I do believe the entire Texas Rangers pitching staff has just seen their careers flash before their eyes. Why?
Muntadhar al-Zaidi — reporter for Baghdadiya Television; right handed; excellent velocity; decent control; deceptive delivery. And he’s a free agent. Well, technically he’s currently an incarcerated agent, but I think you know what I mean, my friend.
Alright, alright. He was throwing shoes, not baseballs. And that is a girly thing to do, I grant you. But hey, the Rangers already pitch like a bunch of junior high cheerleaders, so you can’t really use that against this guy. And just try throwing a shoe compared to a hardball. No way you can control a size 10-1/2 as well as the horse hide, my friend. Plus, there was some serious cheese on those things. At least the first one. I gotta think he took a little off the second one to try and throw Bush’s timing off, but he ducked that one, too. Behind a podium, I might add.
So I figure you put this guy on the mound in Arlington — where guys can’t hide behind large, immovable wooden objects — and the Rangers just improved their team pitching stats by about 20%.
Think about it, Texas.
First of all, you could sign him for something like a couple of showers a week. And it would only take one field trip to Texas before he’d be itching to put his name on the dotted line. One look at those Lonestar state debutants and (schwing!) hello big hair, good bye burka.
Second, he’s totally fearless. Totally. I mean the guy stood up in a room surrounded by gun-toting Secret Service agents and chucked his shoes at the most powerful man on the planet; a guy who could train 400 ICBMs on his little patch of sand and push the magic ‘disappear’ button. Given that, do you think A-Rod stepping into the box with the bases loaded and the game on the line is gonna mean squat to al-Z? I think not, pallie.
Third, he’ll challenge hitters. I mean before he even started his wind up — before he was hardly out of his crappy little folding chair — this guy barks “This is a farewell kiss, dog,” at the President. (I think that’s what he said. My Arabic is a little rusty.) A trash talkin’ Iraqi; you gotta love it. And announcing it was coming is just so totally psycho. You gotta think this bozo is good closer material. Anyway, the only challenge the Ranger staff throws up now is makin’ it through the bottom of the third, so closer or not, this guy deserves a look.
Hey there, ballot boxes. I expect you’d have to be dead to have missed all the stuff flying around about our august, soon-to-be-wearing-an-orange-jumpsuit governor Roddy, and the lovely and oh so eloquent Mrs Roddy. Of course, that’s not sayin’ much, since dead people have been part of Chicago politics forever. I’m just sayin’.
But can we cut the crap already, and drop the use of the word ‘allegedly’ from the Blagojovich story? That’s like sayin’ Bartman didn’t cost us the Series cuz it wasn’t proven in a court of law. It was on tape, pal. Bartman did it. You saw it. I saw it. Friggin’ Hellen Keller woulda seen that. And Blago? His I’ll-make-you-an-offer-you-can’t-refuse back scratching has been preserved in full Dolby digital glory. Along with the supporting, delicate and poetic demonstration of the english language by that *%@# Lady Macbeth — as so perfectly anointed by the Trib.
Honestly, part of me doesn’t blame her, cuz who can talk about the Cubs without dropping a few well-deserved F-bombs? It ain’t easy. I know, personally. But holy friggin’ crap! She’s only a grill and 7 pounds of bling away from being a rapper with that mouth. Hell, she could even teach Lou a few things about how to communicate with umpires.
Anyway, I get all tingly inside knowing that Blagojovich will be making some new friends in the Big House, and that they’ll be giving him the same treatment he’s been giving us. And I don’t think this morning’s meeting with the preacher contingent is gonna do much to save his sorry ass, or otherwise keep if from it’s eventual fate. Supposedly it was all sugar and spice with the Reverend Acree and a couple of other men of the cloth, who requested an audience for the purpose of comforting the governor’s wife and kids. I could be wrong, but I think the Mrs would have been more comforted by meeting with Luca Brazzi, where the discussion was centered on which of the Tribune’s editorial staff was gonna get whacked, and in what order.
The really sad thing is that this is sort of a trend in Illinois. I mean, when this dirt bag moves into cell block 8, he’ll be the 4th governor outta the last 8 that’s done time. In other words, it’s easier to end up in prison as governor of this state than if you murder someone in this state. At least it seems like it. I’ll tell you one thing, it’s certainly easier than it is for the Cubs to make the Series. Now that, my friend, is sad.
All that said, from now on, whenever I get down on my Northsiders for stinkin’ it up, or for jacking up ticket prices during the playoffs and then layin’ turds on the diamond in return, I’m gonna think about Blago, and toilet mouth, and all the other A-holes since Honest Abe — the last (allegedly) honest politician we had. Cuz compared to those guys, our ballplayers are saints. (Not the White Sox, though. They suck.) But the Cubbies are friggin’ holy water by comparison; hundred year drought and all.