Monthly Archives: March 2016

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME BASEBALL?!

· 2016 Cubs, Joe Sez, Spring Training ·

CUBS-SPRING-TRAINING

Hey there, dust covers. Unless you’ve been vacationing on Jupiter, you know that it’s Spring Training time in Mesa. (Everywhere else, too, but Mesa is the only place that matters.) So, while the Cubbies are doing wind sprints, practicing pick-offs, and are still tied for first, I thought it would only be fair that you and me got into ‘fan shape’. And I’m not talking about wait-until-next-year shape. I’m talkin’ about in-your-face, trash-talkin’, we’re-not-gonna-take-this-gettin’-broomed-in-the-playoffs-crap-anymore shape. WARNING: Do not drive or operate heavy machinery for 12 hours afterwards.

Alright, Step 1) Pour yourself a nice, frosty adult beverage — Old Style if you got it — and put that La-Z-Boy in full recline, my friend. This step is actually common to many important activities, and happens to be one of my favorite parts of gettin’ in fan shape, because I get to make those faux farting noises that accompany even the slightest butt adjustment against my chair’s fine corinthian leather. Always entertaining.

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WELCOME TO THE CHEAP SEATS, PAL!

· Joe Sez · ,

 

Hey there, hardhats. Welcome to the Joe Sez blog; a place where I get to say whatever the hell I want. You got a problem with something I said? Well get it off your chest, pallie. I welcome that fluff you call chin music. You agree with me? I only got one thing to say to that: Great minds think alike, my friend.

You wanna weigh in on instant replay, or the idiotic trip-to-the-mound clock (This is baseball not football, Manfred), or that sissy Designated Hitter abomination, or if there are corn dogs should there be corn brats (no) … then you’ve come to the right place. Just keep it reasonably clean so the Little Leaguers’ moms don’t have a friggin’ cow. Or sue my ass.

Joe

STUPID SHOULD HURT.

· Joe Sez · , ,

Nearly every time Donald Trump opens his word-salad mouth, he should get a sharp pain in whatever region of his brain still works.

Is this guy for real? You’d think he would have more important things on his mind than the Cubs, right? Stuff like Hillary Clinton, David Duke, his hair, the size of his hands … you know … presidential stuff. But noooooooo. In addition to all the other grenades the Donald has been tossing in every direction imaginable, he’s now threatening the Ricketts family for makin’ a donation to a super-PAC that would rather see someone … ANYONE else … be president. And really, do we want a POTUS that doesn’t understand the fundamental meaning of the First Amendment? What a pinhead.

Joe

A LESSON IN RESPECT FOR BRYCE HARPER.

· Joe Sez, News · ,

GOOSE-GOSSAGE

Wow. If I didn’t know that I’m waaaaaaaaaaaay better looking than Goose “f–king” Gossage, I’d think this was ME spewing all the venom in this article. Or maybe Donald Trump.

Honestly (and is there any other way to be?) I’ve gotta agree with the Goose on some of this stuff. Baseball is turning into some sort of namby-pamby, cotton candy sucking stage for guys who act like hitting a home run (read: doing their job) is the same as curing cancer. I can’t imagine what my boss would do if I stood back and admired every package of hot links I loaded on a palette. Well, actually, I can. He’d fire my bat-flipping ass. Anyway, Goose is right; MLB is trying to morph baseball into football (or an equally wimpy facsimile thereof). I mean we’ve got a clock, we’ve got new rules for sliding at 2nd … Won’t be long before runners get to advance one base cuz “Hey, I don’t like the way that pitcher looked at me!” Friggin’ pathetic.

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THE FULL JOE’S BLEACHERS WEBSITE: COMING SOON TO A DEVICE NEAR YOU.

· News ·

JOE SCHLOMBOWSKI AS TRUMP

Hey there, filibusters, Joe Schlombowski, here. In my best Donald Trump voice, I want to tell you that the new Joe’s Bleachers website is gonna be great. It’s gonna be fantastic. It’s gonna be really, really great. Believe me. No one will have a website like Joe’s Bleachers and everybody is going to love it. It’s gonna be one of a kind and totally unique. I mean it’s going to be amazing.

Only the blog is up and running now, but the rest of the site is under construction. I’ve hired the best digital people in America, the best money can buy, and believe me no one is even in their league, they’re so good. I’ll let you know when the site is ready, which will be very soon. As soon as we think it’s ready … ready for you and the rest of the American people. And especially Cubs fans, who are the BEST fans in baseball. In ANY sport, they’re the best. Nobody has better fans. And they deserve the best, which is why I’m having my people (who are also the best, by the way) build it for me. It’s going to be great. There won’t be anything like it in Chicago, or even in the world, believe me.

So take a knee, sports pundits, cuz the rest of the site will be ready in almost no time. And when it is — I think by the All Star break … my people are looking into it … but soon — you’re gonna love it. I love it, and believe me I know what I’m talking about.

Joe

THE TRUTH (OR NOT) ABOUT THE ’16 CUBS.

· 2016 Cubs, Joe Sez · ,

JOE-MADDON

Now that we’ve got that “Back to the Future II” prediction out of the way, here are a few truths (and not-so-truths), from the Sun-Times perspective, about the ’16 Cubs. I’d like to note that the Sun-Times likens Maddon’s “embracing the target” approach this season to George Custer embracing the target of the Sioux Nation in 1876. I’m canceling my subscription.

Joe

SLIDE RULES BELONG IN PHYSICS CLASSES, NOT AT SECOND BASE.

· Baseball Rules, Joe Sez · ,

SECOND-BASE-SLIDE-RULES

Okay, cotton balls, take a knee.

Is it just me, or has the tendon that connects Rob Manfred’s cranium to his sphincter suddenly grown long enough to wrap around his man grapes?

As if the bonehead 30-second clock wasn’t enough to boil the cholesterol in my blood, the Commish’s office just approved a slide rule at second base. A slide rule at second base? Are you dry humping me? I thought we already had two slide rules at second base: 1) you better slide on a double play, so the shortstop’s throw doesn’t knock your teeth out; and 2) unless you knock the shortstop on his ass trying to break up the double play, don’t bother coming back to the dugout — just leave five hundred big ones on the skipper’s desk and beg his forgiveness at the hotel bar. Maybe he’ll let you play again in … oh, I don’t know … A FRIGGIN’ MONTH!

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DID SOMEBODY CUT THE CHEESE, OR WAS THAT ROB MANFRED WITH HIS 30-SECOND CLOCK?

· Baseball Rules, Joe Sez · , , , ,

ROB-MANFREDs-30-SECOND-CLOCK-STINKS

Tighten up, melon balls.

I got a craw, and there’s something jammed in it pretty tight. Actually, really tight, you know? Like pickles. Sardines. Like a Krakus canned ham. Know what I’m sayin’?

It’s called the Commissioner’s Office and it’s got me feeling a little salty.

Far be it for yours truly to criticize the genius sitting in that particular ivory tower, but didn’t Bud Selig retire? I kinda hoped when he broke wind in his high-back leather chair for the last time he’d be taking his ham-fisted decisions with him. (Can anyone say inter-league play, and a 7-7 tie in the FRIGGIN’ ’02 ALL-STAR GAME?!)

No such luck, pallie. It seems while I was outside grabbing some air after Selig finished crop dusting the room, Rob Manfred stepped in to give us — after, like, nine hundred years of sports perfection — a clock on the field to limit, of all things, the time a coach takes to start and finish a mound visit. I’m sorry, cheese doodles, was that a problem? I got news for Robbie: the only thing wrong with the game is the amount time I spend waiting for the Old Style vendor to reload. Other than that, the game’s fine. Leave it alone.

Let me spell it out for you, sports fans: the commissioner is going to make the game better by speeding it up. And the way he’s going to do that is by starting a 30-second clock when the coach leaves the dugout on his way to the mound? Hey, I’m all for fast games — win or lose inside two-fifteen, I say. Nobody likes their infielders falling asleep, and since they stop pouring beer in the eighth … well, I start to get a little parched. Know what I’m sayin’? But is making a coach run to the mound and back really the answer? Hey, Robbie, you think for two seconds how much time it will take for the paramedics to resuscitate Chris Bosio when he collapses on the infield grass? Hell, Lou could light up a pitcher for thirty seconds before he crossed the foul line. Makes no sense to me.

Want to make the game faster, Robbie? Lose the DH in the sissy league, instant replay, and inter-league play. And for God’s sake stop letting TV dictate when the next pitch is thrown.

Joe