Monthly Archives: April 2016


· 2016 Cubs, Joe Sez · ,


What is this, football season already?! Kinda sounds like it when you’re playin’ Cincinnati.

To clarify, so far this season, Chicago has outscored Cincinnati 46-7. Ouch! If this was September you might think I was talkin’ about the Bears and Bengals (except for the fact that baseball kick’s football’s ass, and I’d rather get a colonoscopy from Dr Jack Hammer than talk about football). Nope. It’s the Cubs and Reds, pal, and in football parlance we’re barely into the 2nd quarter with these guys.

At the current pace, the Cubs are gonna run up 156 runs over the course of our 17 meetings with Cinci this year. I know a lot of you are thinkin’ that we can’t sustain that pace. But I say, if the Warriors could damn near run the table this year, then why not the Cubs? Yeah, they have Stephen Curry … But we got Arrieta, Lackey, Bryant, Rizzo … hell, I could sooooo go on. And look at their history; a very Cubs-like futility on a basketball court. Plus, we’ve got the law of averages on our side; we’re due. Past due. Way, way, way past due.

And as far as football goes, they have cheerleaders, we don’t. That’s the one thing I have to tip the Joe lid to, and is the second thing I think (Hey, Womanfred, are you listening?!) the Commissioner could do to improve the game. The first thing would be to get rid of that sissy Designated Hitter crutch. Have you seen Arrieta hit?! Case closed, pal.



· 2016 Cubs, Joe Sez, News · , , ,


As noisy as the Cubs bats were tonight — and it was like a friggin’ Linkin Park concert on steroids — they couldn’t quite drown out the silence of Cincinnati’s, who failed to produce a single base hit (not a little squib, not a dying quail, nothin’) against the super-hero arm of Jake Arrieta. You’ve heard of the zone? Well, wherever the hell that is, Jake’s smack dab in the dead center of it.

To be honest, I felt a little sorry for Cincinnati tonight. I mean, not sorry enough to feel bad; sorry in a way that I wanted to spare them the embarrassment of stepping into the batters box against this guy right now. Plus, it was just a colossal waste of time. It woulda been easier for everyone if, instead of stepping into the batters box, they just penciled in a strike out, or weak ground ball or pop out in the score book and then headed back out on the field. (Probably would have made Rob Manfred, MLB’s official time-keeper, happy.)

Likewise, instead of pitching to the Cubs tonight, it woulda been easier if Finnegan had just turned around and thrown the ball into the gap, or over the fence or something. 16 runs on 18 hits. In tennis that would be called “abuse of ball.” Love it.

I feel like I oughta be drooling over the offensive production more, and normally I would. But holy crap!, Arrieta has 2 no-no’s in his last 11 regular season starts. And … AND … the Reds haven’t been no-hit in the regular season since 1971, which I’d guess is long before most of you were born. That’s 7,110 games.

And tomorrow, we get to play these guys again.



· 2016 Cubs, Joe Sez · , , ,


Off to Cincinnati today for 4 days of fun with the Red Stockings. This is a club — not unlike the Cubs — with a long, colorful past; one full of intrigue, deception, and moronic moves that rival anything the Cubs have been able to pull off during the longest championship drought in professional sports history. Still, the average guy on the street can’t tell you much about the Reds. Yeah, everybody knows about Pete Rose, but Reds knowledge basically starts and ends with his whining buttocks gettin’ broomed from the game, with some Big Red Machine thrown in for good measure. On the other hand, the same guy who flunks Reds 101 can recite in painful detail incidents like Bartman, and the black cat, and the billy goat, and Lee Elia’s meltdown, and tradin’ Greg Maddux, and a bunch of other things that have helped define the Cubs as the door mat of the National League over the past century.

So, to brighten my day, and maybe make you feel like we’re on an even playing field — historically speaking — I thought we’d have a little Red Stockings history lesson.

1) A charter member of the National League, Cincinnati was booted after only 4 years. When I found that out it made me warm and tingly all over. Until I found out why. They were selling beer in the stands! That was a deal-breaker for the league president so out the door they went. Can you imagine that happening today?! I mean, for a lot of people, beer is what makes baseball fun to watch.

2) They went bankrupt right after that: A theme that’s hung around Cincinnati like the mold growing in the corners of the clubhouse, and has reared its bigoted, cheating head in the forms of the morally bankrupt Marge Schott and Pete Rose.

3) Nobody wanted them after that, so the Bankrupt Machine formed a new league by sending a deceptive telegram to some of the other owners who’d previously been invited to a meeting for this very purpose, but had declined. The telegram to each stated that he was the only jaggoff who didn’t attend that first square dance, and that the other owners were enthusiastic about the new venture. The lie worked, and the American Association was officially formed with the new Reds a charter member. This adds fraud to bankruptcy. Nice.

4) Only 9 years later, the Reds bolted the American Association to rejoin the National League. Not a big deal, right? Wrong. The reason the National League was happy to have them back (along with the Brooklyn Bridegrooms — perhaps the stupidest name in the history of sports) was in part due to the formation of the Player’s League. This new league was an early failed attempt to break the reserve clause in baseball and, as such, threatened the status quo. So, the Reds made a decision that helped maintain the slave-like conditions of professional baseball for another 85 years. Thanks. Nice move.

5) The mediocre Reds didn’t do much for most of the next 30 years, but in 1919 the won the National League pennant, then won the world championship in eight games over the Chicago White Sox. Of course, that was the Black Sox White Sox, which totally calls into question whether the Reds would have won that Series had it not been thrown. Not likely. (Side note: This is one of the main reasons to despise the Sox by the way.) Anyway, it was a tainted victory.

6) By 1931, the Great Depression was in full swing and the Reds were bankrupt. Again.

7) When Crosley bought the team, things finally started to turn around for the Reds. Hey, maybe they could go for awhile without going bankrupt again. Yep, and they won the pennant in ’39. While they werebusy patting themselves on the back, though, they had their asses handed to them by the Yankees. They did repeat as NL Champs the next year and narrowly got by Detroit for the Series Championship.

8) Nothing much good happened after that for some time. And, in fact, fearing their traditional club nickname would associate them with Communism, the Reds officially changed it to the “Cincinnati Redlegs” in 1953. I guess I can understand that thinking, given the times and all, but if Horneytown, North Carolina, Hookersville, West Virginia and Hell, Michigan can go through life without worryin’ what people think, why couldn’t the Reds?

9) On par with the Cubs trading Maddux after his first Cy Young award, was the trade that is largely regarded as the most lopsided in baseball history. In 1965, Cincinnati sent former Most Valuable Player Frank Robinson to the Baltimore Orioles for pitchers Milt Pappas and Jack Baldschun, and outfielder Dick Simpson. Robinson went on to win the 1966 MVP and triple crown in the American league, and lead Baltimore to its first ever World Series title in a sweep of the Dodgers. That pretty much killed the Reds until the rise of the “Big Red Machine.”

10) Sparky Anderson was pretty much the architect of that movement. And I totally admit, the Reds of the 70s were friggin’ great. And the ’75 Series against the Red Sox was monstrous. But … the best part was Carlton Fisk’s yard shot off the foul pole in game 6. It didn’t win the Championship, but it’s gotta be one of the greatest moments in sports history, and it happened at the expense of the Reds.

11) Along in there you have the human freight train, Pete Rose, betting on his own ball games and getting banned from the sport for life, and Marge Schott — the chain-smoking, bigoted, St. Bernard-towing owner with such an unfiltered mouth that she was forced to give up her team by Major League Baseball. Quite a classy pair.

12) More recently, I think Junior (Griffey) was a bright spot, along with Lou and Dusty as managers, cuz they also both managed in Chicago. In fact, under Lou in 1999, the Reds lead the league wire-to-wire and swept the heavily favored A’s in the Series. As a result, though, it was perhaps the most boring World Series ever.

13) I think we’ll end here, on lucky 13, where I’d like to draw your attention to the fact that the Reds finished with the second worst record in the league last year. A feat they topped by also trading flame-throwing Aroldis Chapman to the New York Yankees.

I’d say we look pretty friggin’ good compared to the Reds, history and all. And I say after the next 4 games we’ll be lookin’ even better.



· Joe Sez, News ·


Normally I would just let this slide past me, since it seems to be a relatively frequent occurrence these days … kinda like how I don’t pay attention to whatever idiotic thing just came outta The Donald. But one of these teams was the Cubs, so I gotta put in my 2 cents. And that’s this:

The utter stupidity of some Little League coaches (and some Little League parents, for that matter) never ceases to make me wanna secede from the human race. I’ve been around baseball since I was in diapers, so I’ve seen my share of this kinda thing. Like I said, it’s not that uncommon. What’s uncanny, though, is that every damn time — at least it seems like it — the eunuchs involved are the sorta loud-mouthed know-it-alls that have as much useful knowledge about baseball as I do about string theory and particle physics. I money-back guarantee you that’s the case here.

What I DO know, is that when morons like this decide to swing their dicks at each other they’re making a big mistake, if for no other reason than the decision itself means they have no dicks. What’s worse (for everyone except their wives or girlfriends … obvioiusly) is what their actions are teaching the kids — the ball players who are there just trying to learn the game and have some fun. What do they learn from this? The pick off play? The double steal? The drag bunt? No, no and no. Do they think “Wow, Mr So-en-so is just like Lou used to be. He must be a like a really great coach.” No, they don’t. They wonder why the hell these two MMA wannabes are ruining their game. And the sons — there are always sons — of these honyocks (look it up) are living in a nightmare. Not only are they so royally embarrassed that they wanna run and hide in the clubhouse (except there isn’t one in Little League), they also have to live with these guys, and their expectations, and their lack of control. I’m sure it makes for a happy childhood.

I’d like to see these colossal a-holes suffer the wrath that Bartman got; to not be able to show their faces in public; to be scorned by all who know them, and everyone else for that matter. And I sure as hell don’t think they should be coaching anyone. Least of all young, impressionable kids. #banemfromthegame



· Joe Sez, News · , , ,


I find it mildly ironic that the candy-assed St Louis Cardinal organization has banned Joe Maddon’s “Try Not to Suck” t-shirts from their ball park. Cardinals spokesman Ron Watermon said the word “sucks” is on a list of curse words forbidden to appear on clothing in … get this … “Busch” Stadium.

That’s right. “Busch.”

I think you know where I could take that, my friend, but I’m not as petty as Mr Watermon or whoever came up with their list. The word “suck” happens to be part of everyday language in America. It’s part of the jargon. So, Mr Watermon, while you’re un-wadding your delicate little panties, you should know that it doesn’t take on any meaning beyond “you’re no good at something” unless you have a sewer for a mind, or you also define what’s being sucked.

Hey, Watermon … I got a definition for ya.

I’d like to point out that Joe’s t-shirt 1) benefits a charity and 2) was nothing more than a motivational line uttered by Maddon when he called up Baez last year. That’s it. No filth, no crass, no micro-aggression thrown in the direction of the friggin’ Cardinals. I thought baseball men were supposed to be tough and gritty. Apparently not so much in St Louis. Oh, and before I drop the subject of what’s offensive and what isn’t, I think we should ask what’s worse: a t-shirt that says “Try Not to Suck” that raises money for Respect 90, Maddon’s charity that supports athletics for inner-city Chicago kids, or Busch Stadium, named for a company that produces just under half of all the beer sold in the United States. Now I could extrapolate some numbers on that for drunk drivers, alcoholism, obesity, lost productivity and generally asinine behavior, but that would take years and cost hundreds of lives. I think you get my point.

Did I mention that Budweiser tastes like crap? It does.

So, while Jason Heyward is pelted with racial slurs by the classy fans in Busch Stadium (asinine behavior, as previously mentioned, possibly induced by the swill that is Budweiser), the precious little ballerinas in the Cards’ front office are making sure no one is offended by a harmless blue t-shirt. (Also comes in red, and green; the color of envy, which is what the friggin’ Cardinals are feeling this year for the Cubbies.) Pathetic.