Monthly Archives: May 2016


· 2016 Cubs, Joe Sez · ,


Tonight, I figured I’d be celebrating our series against the Brew Crew in the time-honored Joe Schlombowski cheap seats way; by pouring a frosty cold Miller straight into the crapper every time we score. Then — since Joe’s Bleachers is the environmentally responsible center of the universe  — flushin’ that nasty-tastin’, gut-bombin’ swill and sending it sloshing back to the brewery, where they can bottle it right back up for sale. Maybe even at Miller Park. (I flush twice, cuz it’s a helluva long way to the Miller Brewing Company.)

Unfortunately we happen to be down by 4 at the moment … which sucks. We haven’t pushed a single run across the plate, either … which also sucks. And Anderson’s got a no-hitter through 6. More sucking. Even worse (for me, anyway) … there’s an entire case of Miller contaminating my man-fridge. I was figuring on our usual 6, 7, maybe 9 runs a game. Not today. Haven’t flushed a single drop down the oval office yet, and if the Cubbies don’t get busy pretty soon, my Old Style is gonna get infused with the stink emanating from those clear bottles. C’mon, Cubs!

Enjoy the rest of the game.



· Joe Sez, News · , , ,

Know what I love about baseball, Cubcakes? The Code, that’s what. That good old free market system of behavioral correction that finally got Joey Bautista cold cocked on Sunday by the Rangers’ Rougned Odor. And I mean friggin’ hammered, sport fans. Shellacked like a shit house toilet seat. Odor answered that age-old question, “You wouldn’t hit a man with glasses, would you?” by drilling Joey Bats in the jaw so hard his extra pair of Oakleys fell out of his locker. Hey, Brycie, still think the game is boring? Still love how Bautista “expressed himself” with a bat flip against the Rangers in last year’s ALDS? Well, Vegas, eventually that comes with a price, as your Blue Jay buddy found out when Odor rattled his nuts like a handful of dice in a Yahtzee cup.

It appears, my Cubs-loving friends, that expression is a two-way street patrolled by The Code. Hey, I don’t care if you like the Rangers or the Blue Jays or even that corrupt gang of World Series sellouts from the south side of town, act like an asshole in in this game and you’ll get set straighter than a ten-peckered billy goat. Eventually.

Robbie Womanfred’s sissy, college-boy slide rule didn’t keep Joey Bats from sliding hard and late into Odor at second. Maybe Joey’s trying to break up the double play, maybe he’s answering back to getting plunked in the back earlier in the inning. Don’t know, don’t care. There are three things Smokin’ Joe Schlombowski does know, however: 1) Chanel-wearing ESPN babes wouldn’t have wrinkles in their undies if Joey Bautista hadn’t “expressed himself” last fall; 2) Rougned Odor landed the cleanest shot to a jaw I’ve ever seen outside the ring at Johnny Coulon’s Gym on East 63rd; and 3) with all due respect to the Rangers’ second sacker, I’m sure glad my last name’s Schlombowski.



· 2016 Cubs, Joe Sez · ,


I’ll say this about Gerrit Cole; he’s in good company, although it has absolutely nothing to do with his arm. After beating the Cubs last night, thereby barely and finally scratching out a victory — the first in 6 tries against Chicago this season — Cole says, “I don’t really think they’re the best team in baseball.”

Really? I think maybe this Pirate is suffering from scurvy or something.

Before I get to the “good company” part, let’s just mow the facts into the infield grass where even the Lump of Cole oughta be able to read them from his 12 inch perch (assuming he can read). 1) The Cubs, at 27-9, are, in fact, currently the best team in baseball. Period. 2) The Cubs have a +109 run differential. Also, the best in baseball. In fact, it’s higher than the next two teams (Red Sox +58 and Cardinals +46) combined. 3) The Cubs have the highest power ranking, the lowest team ERA, and opposing teams (like the Pirates) have a batting average against us just two points over the Mendoza line. I’ll mention here that the Cubs have also outscored the Pirates 38-13 in their six head-to-head games this season. Seems like Cole oughta keep his nose outta the rosin bag.

Ennnn-eeeeee-waaaaaay … Like I said, the guy’s in good company. Famous, even. I mean outta all the stupid public statements ever made (not including Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Brian Williams or various Miss America contestants) I rank Cole’s at least at the whip cream level … maybe even the cherry on top. Why? Because hind sight is 20/20, my friend. That means I can sorta forgive some of these other guys for the things they said. But the Cole Choo Choo? … He had the numbers staring him in the kisser, AND was personally shelled by the Cubs a couple weeks ago, but he went ahead and spiked his tongue anyway. Morons don’t get any slack from me. Anyway, here’s my list:

“The Beatles have no future in show business.” | A Decca Records executive to Brian Epstein, the band’s manager, following an audition in 1962. “We don’t like your boys’ sound.” he continued. “Groups are out. Four-piece groups with guitars, particularly, are finished.” Can you imagine what that cost Decca? Even more than Boras is gonna be wringing outta the Nats in the Harper deal.

“Hell freezes over. The Cubs will win the World Series.” | Sports Illustrated has never picked a winner, and in the 2000’s their editors seemed especially determined to meld their curse with Chicago’s, with this 2004 prediction — the first of two covers predicting the end of the Cubs’ century-long championship drought. Thanks a lot, butt heads.

“The horse is here to stay, but the automobile is only a novelty; a fad.” | The president of the Michigan Savings Bank, in 1903, advising Henry Ford’s lawyer not to invest in the Ford Motor Company. This guy liked horses, but you wouldn’t have wanted him makin’ your Trifecta picks.

“Children just aren’t interested in witches and wizards anymore.” | Anonymous publishing executive writing to J.K Rowling in 1996. Based on this prediction, I’d say certain publishing executives were pretty interested in the want ads in 1997.

“There’s no chance that the iPhone is going to get any significant market share. No chance.” | Microsoft CEO, Steve Ballmer, in 2007. Hello, you have reached the voice mail for Steve Ballmer. I cannot take your call right now because I’m having my head examined.

“It’s gonna happen. Kosake Fukudome can end the Cubs’ 100 year wait.” | In 2008, having blown a prediction for a Cubs World Series championship 4 years earlier, Sports Illustrated did it again, based largely on a rushed overreaction to one good month by Kosake Fukudome. The good news is that they picked us to lose this year’s Series, which means we’re not only good enough to make it, we’re a lock to win it. Thank you, SI.

“Stock prices have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.” | Economist Irving Fisher in October 1929, three days before the stock market crash that triggered the Great Depression. This guy’s career was ruined over this. Now, I don’t want to wish that on Mr Cole, but I think a 5-20 season would be about the right amount of karma to dish.

“Television won’t last because people will soon get tired of staring at a plywood box every night.” | Darryl Zanuck, 20th Century Fox movie producer, in 1946. Zanuck made some pretty good movies, huge, in fact. None of them were about baseball, though. Enough said.

So, somewhere in there, I would insert Cole Train’s statement about the Cubs. Close to the top. Capitalized. Red letters. Underlined. Why? Cuz not only was it stupid, it was uttered by the same dip stick that allowed six runs (five earned) on six hits and four walks before he was yanked in the 5th the last time he took the hill against us. He’s also the loser of last year’s one-game wild-card playoff — where he was equally overpowering — generously surrendering four runs, also in five innings (thank you, Mr Cole) including a couple of yard shots to Schwarber and Fowler. Can’t wait ’til we face this alzeimer’s case again.



· Joe Sez, News · , ,


Okay, cubcakes. So a couple of days ago the Commish dealt your reigning National League MVP a one-game suspension and an “undisclosed” fine for his post-game MF-ing of home plate umpire Brian Knight on Monday. To that I say, WHAT A FRIGGIN’ D-BAG! No, I’m not talking about Robbie Womanfred (for once). And please don’t get me started on umpires — hasn’t been a good one since Dutch Rennert forced me to stuff napkins in my ears to soften the blow my eardrums took each time he called a strike. I’m talking about the pretty boy from Vegas who thinks baseball is “tired” and in need of more players who express themselves.

Express yourself? Really? What … the metrosexual haircut and shaved chest ain’t enough, Brycie?

You know who gets tired of Harper’s expression, besides me and … oh, I don’t know … Jonathon Papelbon? Dusty Baker, that’s who. The Nationals’ skipper doesn’t give a rat’s ass about Harper expressing himself in any other ways besides hittin’ the orb out of the house, and gettin’ his friggin’ batting average above .265; a mark usually reserved for all-pick-no-stick shortstops, not someone on the verge of signing the fattest contract in sports history. Dusty’s old, man! He’s got no patience for a 23-year-old punk who thinks his crap oughta be sold next to Chanel No. 5. He’s not interested in damage control, which Harper’s mouth heaps on him regularly. Dusty just wants to win. To a veteran baseball guy, that’s the best form of expression. It’s just harder to do when your best guy gets tossed with the score tied in the ninth.

Harper, of course, was saved when pinch-hitter, Clint Robinson, swatted a walk-off homer minutes after he was ejected. Was he grateful? No. Did he fully celebrate with his team? Also, no. Brycie expressed himself. Boom! Suspended. What a douchebag.

Maybe you can’t blame a guy for being a douchebag when, as a slightly younger kid, he was paraded around the country chasing showcase after showcase, so that Scott Boras (speaking of douchebags) could fatten his wallet. Brycie thinks he’s the best thing since Old Style in a can cuz he’s been told that his whole life. Well, pallie, 1) Old Style in a bottle is the next best thing to Old Style in a can, and 2) there’s nothin’ like a pissed off manager and a steady diet of cheese between the shoulder blades to modify one’s behavior. It’s the baseball version of B.F. Skinner. (Look it up, head-shrinkers.)

When Brycie does sign his mega-gihugic, national debt-sized contract, I’m bettin’ (perfect for a Vegas guy, right) the team that pays him will have wasted millions on an athlete that ends up sharing a booth with guys like Tiger and A-Rod. What scares me is that the Cubbies will be the highest bidder.



· 2016 Cubs, Joe Sez · , ,


Holy crap! The Cubs lay a couple of goose eggs on Wednesday and you’d think the friggin’ sky was falling. Hey, Cubs fans, what the hell is wrong with you people?! Did you really think we were gonna go the entire season without losing 2 in a row? Is that realistic? I can understand that maybe … just maybe … your perspective might be a little off. After all, the Cubs are havin’ their best start in 109 years, we’ve got a run differential as wide as Bartolo Colon’s butt, and we’ve had both our offense and pitching in annihilation mode since we broke camp. It’s easy to get caught up in that, I know, but you gotta stop the Varuca Salt impersonations when every little thing doesn’t go our way. Grow the hell up.

My advice: Crack open an icy cold Old Style and try to enjoy what’s happened so far. Think about it. With just a Donald Trump-sized handful of exceptions, the Cubs have basically sucked for over a hundred years. This year? We’re good. I mean for real, we’re good. For the first 5 weeks of the season the Cubs have been the main topic of conversation on just about every sports program known to man. Why? Partly because when the Cubs win with monotonous regularity it’s pretty unusual. Partly because we’re really kicking the crap outta just about everybody, and then rubbin’ their noses in what we kicked out of ’em. We’re so good, in fact, that ESPN’s resident pinhead, Stephen A. Smith (middle name always initialed due to obscenity reasons) felt compelled to attribute Arrieta’s performance to PEDs. He just had to pin that kind of exceptional play on something … anything but the fact that we’re actually good. Too monstrous of a concept for the feeble minded.

If I’m Maddon, I’m takin’ a trip to the mound to settle you down. Try to remember that for a team that’s been defined by our ability to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, we’re doin’ pretty damn good. We lost a couple in a row … to a crappy team. Don’t jump off the Sears Tower just yet, pal. Take a deep breath, do some of that zen yoga meditation crap or somethin’ and have a little faith, baby. Did we fold when Schwarber went down? No. Have we found ways to win some close ones? Yes. Have we mostly treated opposing pitching staffs like a baby treats a diaper? Absolutely. So let’s have a little more Alfred E. Newman and a little less Chicken Little.

In the words of Nuke LaLoosh, “You win some, you lose some. Sometimes it rains.” It’s a long season, my friend. You gotta trust it.