Hey there, turn signals, Joe Schlombowski here; a little bruised and banged up emotionally from yesterday’s opener with the Mets. I had been lookin’ forward to this series all season long, and not being able to just get to it and settle the score was makin’ be break out. It was like being a snarling rottweiller on a 5 foot leash with a juicy slab of porterhouse steak dangling 6 feet away. I fully expected Joe and the boys to rip them to shreds, and the way the game started, it was lookin’ pretty much like I was right. Bryant, once again, was channeling himself. (Normally I would say he was channeling Babe Ruth or Reggie Jackson, but I think Bryant bein’ Bryant is about as explosive as you can get right now. Oh … and for any of you San Francisco fans wonderin’ why I didn’t mention Barry Bonds? Bite me. He’s a cheat, everybody knows he’s a cheat, and on top of that he’s a jaggoff.) Anyway, Mr Bryant got us off to a really nice start, thank you very much.

So did Lackey. The guy was on cruise control until his arm started farting in the 5th. Weird. Happened in the 5th in his last outing, too. Still, I was a little surprised Joe yanked him when he did. Yeah, sure … Cespedes launched one of his pitches into a geosynchronous orbit around Neptune, but that was pretty much it. Me personally? I think Joe pulled out the hook a skosh too soon. It’s easy for me to say that, cuz … you know … that hindsight thing is in play. But holy monkey droppings, did all 4 wheels come off the wagon then, or what?!

Now if I was politically correct, I’d say Peralta was less than stellar. But I’m not. He sucked. He walks pinch-hitter Alejandro De Aza, then dishes an RBI single to Brandon Nimmo. If there’s one thing that drives me to drinkin’ — never mind … everything drives me to drinkin’. But I have a hard time with relief guys who come in and start walkin’ hitters. That’s the polar opposite of relief, my friend. I mean when pitchers are yanked it’s usually cuz they’re havin’ a hard time. Relievers are brought in to do what the guy before ’em couldn’t, not the same damn thing. That’s why it makes no sense to me to have guys in that roll that hold the friggin’ flood gates open with ball 4. Sure, everybody is gonna give up some hits, but any reliever that’s got an arm full of walks oughta be workin’ at 7-11, not pitchin’ for the Cubs.

So, the first two wheels are off, and up comes Neil Walker. He hits a bouncer to second. No prob, right? Right. Baez charges, and with his momentum carryin’ him toward third, he logically fires to Bryant to nab the guy at the corner. Woulda been perfect except his throw makes like a 747 and flies all the way to the fence. Two more runs to score. Two more wheels are layin’ by the side of the dugout, and basically the whole game is up on blocks.

Hey, mistakes happen. That’s baseball. But 1) Why the hell do they have to happen against the friggin’ Mets? And 2) When they DO happen, where the hell are the bats the Cubs were usin’ in April; the ones that woulda slapped a few more Cubs hits, along with some Mets’ egos for even thinkin’ they could beat us again? For a minute there in the 9th, it looked pretty good; two in scoring position with no outs. Nice. But then Jeurys Familia unloaded that 98 mph closer crap on us. Is that even legal? Isn’t there some sorta speed limit cut fastballs? Anyway, game over.

Tonight will be different. As a Cubs fan I gotta believe that. Of course if it isn’t … and let’s say (and this ain’t easy for me) that we lose every game to the Mets during the regular season. I’ll take that if it means we spank the crap outta whoever we play in the post season. And really … isn’t that what we’re all wishing for anyway?

Joe