Joe Sez

FOR THE CUBS, SPRING HOPE IS ETERNAL.

· 2013 Cubs, Joe Sez, Spring Training · ,

ODDS-TO-WIN-WORLD-SERIES

The Cubs ended their spring in Ho Ho Kam in a way that reminds us that they are, in fact, the Chicago Cubs. They ended up a couple of games below .500 and blew an 8th inning lead in the spring finale, losing to the Mariners 6-4. Another typical March; in like a lamb, out like a lamb. I hope they can locate some lion from April forward. But I also hope for Hugh Hefner to turn over the keys to the mansion, and everything female in it.

Las Vegas currently has us at 75/1 to win the Series this year. I know that sounds hopeless, but they’ve also got 6 teams listed with worse odds than that, including the Astros at 300/1. I mean, compared to that … we’re a friggin’ lock.

Bottom line is this; we’re currently tied for first. Spring hope is eternal, my friend.

Joe

MILTON BRADLEY THINKS CUBS FANS ARE RACIST.

· 2010 Cubs, Joe Sez · ,

MILTON-BRADLEY

Before I begin, I gotta say that anybody who disrespects someone because of the color of their skin is a friggin’ a-hole. There’s simply no excuse for that. There are causes; most notably Pea Brain Syndrome, but that can be corrected if someone wants. So … no excuses. If that’s you, please find another team besides the Cubs to root for.

Ok, so anybody hear what Milton Bradley said about Chicago Cubs baseball fans yesterday? Anybody kicked in the stomach, spit on or sucker punched yesterday? Kinda the same thing.

Now, I don’t want any of you to think that I give a rat’s ass about what Milton Bradley says about Cubs fans. But I just gotta respond to someone who takes a cheap shot at us, even if the source is a light-hitting, grossly over-paid, whining, sulking, pain-in-the-ass like the Monopoly guy. (He was called something else by Lou, but I’ll just leave that one alone.)

Anyway, Bradley — a guy that’s so beloved that he’d been on 8 different Major League ball clubs in 11 years — intimated that if you booed him on the field, you are a racist. Oh sure, yeah, that’s right. Bradley got booed because of the color of his skin. Not the fact that he sucked in the field, or that he sucked at the plate, or that he sucked as a teammate. And lest we forget … his blockhead toss of the ball in the stands with only two outs, his not infrequent nuclear temper tantrums, and an attitude so bad that he was asked by management to pack up and go home before the end of the season.

Mr Happy went on to say that “unless you’re Superman — you’re Andre Dawson, you’re Ernie Banks, you’re in the Hall of Fame — then it’s going to be tough” for African-Americans to play in Chicago. Gimme a friggin’ break. We love everybody. Show me a team that’s sucked as much as we have in the last 100 years but still fills the stands with Jobe-like loyalty, and I’ll show you the Red Sox. And we’re exactly like the Red Sox, only more so. You don’t have to walk on water to be loved in Chicago. All you gotta do is try, respect the game, and appreciate the fans that are lining your pockets with gold.

Bradley, on the other hand, says that things were so bad for him in Chicago that he “felt like a prisoner in [his] own home”, he “ordered in every day” and “never went anywhere.” Too bad that isn’t quite true, cuz if he’d really not gone anywhere, he wouldn’t have come to the damn ballpark either, and we would have been spared his season of discontent. Actually, it was only one of them, but it was the one we got to see up close and personal.

So, to the Mariners, I say good luck with that trade you made with us. You think it’s cold and gray in Seattle? You ain’t seen nothing yet. And to Cubs management, I ask if there’s any way we can have our brief relationship with Milton Bradley annulled, like a bad marriage that shouldn’t have happened in the first place. It would be good to have him stricken from the Cubs record, so as not to leave a permanent stain on the right field grass.

Joe

MARK MCGWIRE COMES CLEAN? WE’RE GONNA NEED A LOT MORE SOAP.

· Joe Sez, News · , ,

MARK-MCGWIRE-COSTAS-INTERVIEW

I got one friggin’ question for Mark McGwire … if performance-enhancing drugs don’t enhance your performance, bat rack, then why are they called ‘performance-enhancing drugs’?

I’d say the guy is smokin’ crack, but crack probably doesn’t have an any effect on him.

Whoever or whatever is controlling Big Mac — perhaps aliens, or maybe a wizard or Barry Bonds — has convinced him that he, Mark McGwire, is the only human on the planet that is immune to the effects of anabolic steroids. His physiology is different than the rest of us. He is a species of one.

Apparently this major piece of beefcake doesn’t think steroids had one iota of influence on his home run production; says the good Lord gave him the strength to be a home run hitter. Too friggin’ bad he didn’t give him enough strength to tell the truth. I’ll tell you what, pallie … you wanna see an enhanced performance? Watch the Costas interview. McGwire could get a guest shot on Inside the Actor’s Studio based on that. He’s got the quivering lip. He’s got the cracking voice. For a minute there I thought I was watching Vivien Leigh in Gone With the Wind. Criminy. Get me a tissue, Tito.

So I guess, according to the special sauce inside Big Mac’s head, the Olympic Committee ought to rescind their ban on performance-enhancing drugs. Right?

Joe

STAND BY YOUR MAN? NOT IF HE PLAYS RIGHT FIELD FOR THE CUBS.

· 2010 Cubs, Joe Sez · ,

You know, all this hubbub about Tiger Woods using his driver on every hole in sight got me thinking about Milton Bradley. Not cuz he can’t keep his putter in his own bag, though. I mean, Milton’s no prize, but as far as I know he doesn’t try to score unless he’s in uniform. He’s not too good at it, but you know what I’m sayin’, right?

Anyway, I’m thinking Elin Woods isn’t gonna do the ‘stand by your man’ thing. She’d look like an idiot. Same goes for the Cubs and the Monopoly guy. I’ll tell you this, my friend; if Stand by your Man had been penned by the twangy Joe Schlombowski rather than that country vixen, Tammy Wynette, it woulda gone a whole lot different…

(Alright, you gotta hear the tune in your head, now.)

Sometimes it’s hard to be a Cubs fan
When you got an A-hole out in right
You’ll have bad times
And he’ll have mad times
Doing things that you don’t understand

I could go on, but you get the point. And speaking of things I don’t understand, I heard Billy Williams ain’t ready to broom Bradley yet. And that just boggles the mind, doesn’t it? How can B-Dub even have the first second of that thought enter his head without calling his doctor?! I mean really.

Joe

GIANTS SHOULD HIRE CHEECH AND CHONG.

· Joe Sez, News · , ,

TIM-LINCECUM-STONER

Hey there snowballs, Joe Schlombowski here, with another “general manager” off season tip.

So, I’m thinking the Giants oughta sign Cheech & Chong. I mean, if an itty-bitty bag of weed can turn Lincecum into a Nolan Ryan/Louis Tiant hybrid … imagine, just imagine what those two could do. Friggin’ lights out, that’s what.

Besides, I think half the San Francisco population has a prescription for medical marijuana, so it’s a natural fit. And think of the cross promotion possibilities with fast food joints. You could have Munchies Night, or Jack in the Bong Night … stuff like that. I’m tellin’ you that ballpark would be packed. Nobody would care about the outcome, but it would be packed.

Anyway, that’s my tip for you, Brian Sabean.

You’re welcome, pal.

Joe