WHAT HAPPENS IF THE CUBS WIN THE WORLD SERIES?

· 2016 Cubs, Joe Sez · ,

If the Cubs win the Series, Chicago is gonna be pretty much as depicted in this TV spot. Only it’ll be real.

Until this year, asking that question was an indication that 1) it was 1945, 2) you were referring to your kid’s Little League team, 3) you were completely friggin’ nuts, or 4) it was before the bottom of the 8th, October 14th 2003. It’s not a question one would really ask — even on those occasions when it’s been warranted — cuz there was always a feeling way deep down inside, down where brats get processed and weird sounds emminate, that the Cubs would figure out a way to F it up. And they never failed to live up to that expectation.

If hope springs eternal, Cubs fans have perfected the art of it. We even created “wait until next year” in an attempt to throw down a gauntlet; a warning that the following season would be different. But that’s always been false hope, intended primarily to take the sting out of our yearly belly flop into the Sea of Ineptitude.

Still, we hope. And we have good reason to. When Harvard got here, and brought all that new-fangled baseball science with him from Boston, we expected something to happen. Of course, we expected something to happen when Lou was here, too, when the Tribune Company dropped $300 million on payroll, but it didn’t. Lou was like the embodiment of 100 years of pissed off Cubs fans; kicking dirt and screaming at umpires. Even though we loved that (and the umps always deserved it) that wasn’t  gonna get us to the Series. Fun to watch, but ultimately about as effective as Carlos Marmol. Epstein, on the other hand, took a crap ball club, won a couple of rings, and then brought his Ivy League ass to Chicago, arrogantly thinkin’ he could do the same thing here. Full disclosure; I wasn’t convinced until after July last year. But now … now I worship at the altar of that arrogant Ivy League ass. Maddon has had a lot to do with it, too, but Harvard was the one who brought him and all this talent here. So, hey, credit where credit is due, my friend.

Which brings me back to the original question: What happens if the Cubs win the Series? Well, first I’ll have to change my underwear. After that, I can imagine walkin’ out onto the stoop where my big Polish nose will be greeted by a preponderance ($10 word!) of barbecued billy goat in the air — a foul perfume, and yet as sweet as honey. I expect there will be a fair number of morons settin’ things on fire, as if burning cars says anything other than how stupid you are. And I think Ricketts, Harvard, Maddon and the entire team may live the rest of their natural lives without ever … EVER payin’ for another beer.

It could happen. It could happen this year, if our bull pen doesn’t start serving up meatballs, like they did last night. Even without Schwarber, we got a shot. And if we WIN? Well … Like SI said, it’s the last great American sports story yet to be told. The Red Sox have already done their thing — three times, in fact. (Greedy bastards.) We’ve had the Miracle on Ice, Bo Knows, and Don Larsen’s perfect game in the ’56 Series. And who the hell can forget Nipplegate; the “wardrobe malfunction” (yeah, sure it was) at the Superbowl?! Really, the only thing left is us winning the last game of the playoffs.

That could change Chicago forever. People might actually start expecting the Cubs to win on a regular basis, not just once every century or so. Those may be uncharted waters, pal, but I’ll take ’em over that lukewarm kiddie pool we’ve been swimmin’ in for a hundred years, any day.

Joe

Written by Joe Schlombowski · · 2016 Cubs, Joe Sez · ,
NextGAME 31; LIKE PASSING A KIDNEY STONE.

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