· 2013 Cubs, Joe Sez, News ·


Roger Ebert, perhaps the best movie critic EVER, died today. A moment of silence, please.


I was thinking that there are some parallels between watching movies for a living (like Mr Ebert did) and being a die hard Cubs fan (like you and me). I mean when you’re being paid to critique movies, you pretty much gotta see the credits roll in every piece of crap Hollywood dishes. And I mean crap with a capital K, pal. How ’bout Hansel and Gretel, or Oz the Great and Powerful? And lemme tell ya, if anyone knew the difference between a good movie and a turd, it was Ebert. How he could sit through stuff like that, I’ll never know. And maybe he couldn’t. There’s a rumor going around that he died from complications resulting from watching A Good Day to Die Hard, perhaps the worst 97 minutes excreted by Hollywood in the last 10 years. And I’m a Bruce Willis fan, for Crissakes!

I’m just saying that having to watch movies all the time, when most of them suck, is a whole lot like watching Cubs baseball games, when most of THEM suck, too. I mean how different is it? You pay waaaaaaay too much to get in, you munch on stuff that’s not good for you (but is deeeeeelicious), and you already know how it’s gonna end within the first 20 minutes.

I figure Mr Ebert loved the movies more than just about anything. Ditto, me and the Cubs. That’s why, no matter how bad the performances are (yeah, Marmol, I’m talking about YOU!) I just can’t get up and leave before the last out.

Anyway, you know how Hollywood is always making movies about baseball? Well, I’m thinking the Cubs could learn something from that … maybe make a few baseball games like the movies:

1. The Surprise Ending: Imagine Marmol taking the mound in the 9th and actually closing the game out without sending us all home with mild coronaries. Shocker.

2. Best Actor: The Cubs portray a Major League baseball team, instead of that t-ball crap they’ve been serving up during the longest running losing streak in sports.

3. Special Effects: Epstein works some of that magic he used in Boston on the Cubs. Not sure what he’s waiting for, but now would be as good a time as any, Theo.

4. The Thriller: One in which we actually WIN.

It would be good to note here that, as far as genres go, we don’t need any more Comedy, Horror, Adventure, or Crime. Same goes for Drama (we had waaaaaaay too much of that when Zambrano was here) and Disaster (Milton Bradley ring a bell)?

What we could use would be a little more Action. Maybe some Fantasy. Ideally, a two-thumbs-up Epic that ends in the Cubs winning the Series. Preferably over the White Sox. In a sweep. With the smallest margin of victory somewhere in the teens.

Anyway, thank you Roger Ebert for showing us how to stick it out for The Bad News Cubs. Say “hello” to Harry.


Written by Joe Schlombowski · · 2013 Cubs, Joe Sez, News ·