TWO REALLY BIG BALLS. NO STRIKES.
· Joe Sez, News · Baghdadiva, George W. Bush, Muntadhar al-Zaidi, Texas Rangers
I do believe the entire Texas Rangers pitching staff has just seen their careers flash before their eyes. Why?
Muntadhar al-Zaidi — reporter for Baghdadiya Television; right handed; excellent velocity; decent control; deceptive delivery. And he’s a free agent. Well, technically he’s currently an incarcerated agent, but I think you know what I mean, my friend.
Alright, alright. He was throwing shoes, not baseballs. And that is a girly thing to do, I grant you. But hey, the Rangers already pitch like a bunch of junior high cheerleaders, so you can’t really use that against this guy. And just try throwing a shoe compared to a hardball. No way you can control a size 10-1/2 as well as the horse hide, my friend. Plus, there was some serious cheese on those things. At least the first one. I gotta think he took a little off the second one to try and throw Bush’s timing off, but he ducked that one, too. Behind a podium, I might add.
So I figure you put this guy on the mound in Arlington — where guys can’t hide behind large, immovable wooden objects — and the Rangers just improved their team pitching stats by about 20%.
Think about it, Texas.
First of all, you could sign him for something like a couple of showers a week. And it would only take one field trip to Texas before he’d be itching to put his name on the dotted line. One look at those Lonestar state debutants and (schwing!) hello big hair, good bye burka.
Second, he’s totally fearless. Totally. I mean the guy stood up in a room surrounded by gun-toting Secret Service agents and chucked his shoes at the most powerful man on the planet; a guy who could train 400 ICBMs on his little patch of sand and push the magic ‘disappear’ button. Given that, do you think A-Rod stepping into the box with the bases loaded and the game on the line is gonna mean squat to al-Z? I think not, pallie.
Third, he’ll challenge hitters. I mean before he even started his wind up — before he was hardly out of his crappy little folding chair — this guy barks “This is a farewell kiss, dog,” at the President. (I think that’s what he said. My Arabic is a little rusty.) A trash talkin’ Iraqi; you gotta love it. And announcing it was coming is just so totally psycho. You gotta think this bozo is good closer material. Anyway, the only challenge the Ranger staff throws up now is makin’ it through the bottom of the third, so closer or not, this guy deserves a look.
Joe