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THERE’S NOTHIN’ LIKE WAKING UP IN LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY LAND TO REALLY PISS YOU OFF.

· 2018 Cubs, Joe Sez · , , , , ,

Now that’s more like it, canon balls! Dunno what happened to the Cubs yesterday, but I figure it had something to do with wakin’ up in Milwaukee — somethin’ that coulda turned even Mother Theresa into a snarling rotweiller. Anyway, their pitching and hitting — not to mention their heads — each came poppin’ out to where the sun shines with a distinct THWIP! It’s about friggin’ time.

In the poetic words of Kid Rock…

Ooh, I’m back (back), the fog is lifted,
The earth has shifted, and raise the gifted.
You knew I’d be back, so pack your bone,
And hit the road Jack, cause daddy’s home.

Who’s your friggin’ daddy now, Ryan Braun?!

Yesterday, daddy made his presence known in the form of Jon Lester, who wasted no time showin’ Braun, Laverne, Shirley and the rest of the Brew Crew who the friggin’ boss is. When Braun got on in the first, you could see right away he was chattin’ up the demons between Lester’s ears. But when he started tap dancing around the bases like Gene Kelly, you could see the veins in Jon Boy’s neck pop out. They looked more like tree trunks. So when Braun took off for third, Lester gave him the Stormy Daniels treatment. No, not that treatment. The one where you get pants’d and then swatted with a magazine like Donald J. Trump. Admittedly, Lester’s throw was more of a bounce pass than a pick off, but in the wide, wide world of Jon Lester, it was a friggin’ Picasso, baby. Braun was left standing there with nothin’ but his toothpick in his hands. Loved it.

From that point on Lester was in steam roller mode. He surrendered just three measly hits and a walk though six, giving the Cubs an 8-nothin’ shutout over a team that the last few years has been givin’ me the same kinda rash as the Cards. And when that flares up, there’s nothing quite like the soothing relief one gets from the Cubs’ red hot bats. Sounds counter-intuitive, I know — puttin’ somethin’ hot on a rash — but it works every time, my friend. There are those times when — like the first five games of this year’s campaign — that the only red hot thing I can get my hands on is the missus. That works, too. Boy does that ever work. Kinda makes me wish for slump sometimes.

Then there’s Javi Baez.

Holy friggin’ craptiods! Unlike who’s-yer-daddy Braun, Javi doesn’t tap dance around the bases. He’s much more like the Tazmanian Devil. To score from first on a grounder to the pitcher — which Baez did in the second — requires a level 9 wizard’s license or somethin’. That and some really crappy fielding. Next to Lester nabbing Braun, it was the best play of the game. Number 3, I’d say was a tie between JaHey goin’ yard — somethin’ I think we’d all like to see a little more of — and Bryant slappin’ out his 500th hit.

In all, using the Brewers for toilet paper gives me a world of satisfaction. So would using them as a doormat, which I hope happens today.

I leave you with a little more Kid Rock.

The black cat is back, in original form.
The legible, credible, inevitable storm.
Way past the norm’, still misbehavin’.
Finger in the air and the flag still wavin’.

And that flag he’s referring to? In this case it’s the W, baby. Go Cubs.

Joe

PATTIN’ YOURSELF ON THE BACK FOR GETTIN’ OUTTA TRAFFIC IS LAME. THE IDEA IS TO AVOID IT IN THE FIRST PLACE.

· 2018 Cubs, Joe Sez · , ,

Hey there, rice cakes. Question: Does anyone ever — and I mean EVER — get home all happy-like after bein’ stuck in traffic for 2 hours? The correct answer is “No, they do not, Joe.”

Same goes for baseball, which is why I don’t wanna hear Tyler Chatwood singin’ in the shower after that outing the other day.

“I was good at getting out of traffic,” Chatwood said. “I created a lot of that. I thought my stuff was really good today. I just need to trust it and try not to be too fine too early. I can build off this for the next time.” NEXT time? What about THIS time?! If he keeps servin’ up “this times” like that there won’t be a friggin’ next time. For any of us. No worries about being “too fine too early”, either. He didn’t come within six lightyears of “fine.”

And unless you’re the kinda nimrod who stands in the middle of a sprawling Mumbai garbage dump and says, “Hey, I really like this fragrance. I wish I had aftershave that was half as sweet,” then no way you’d characterize Chatwood’s stuff as “really good.” He served up 43 balls along with his 49 strikes. A near 50/50 split. About what Stevie Wonder might do … with his eyes closed.

Yo, Tyler, when you give up 6 walks, that’s not the kinda stuff you “need to trust.” What you need to do is look at yourself in the mirror and ask, “Is that the sorta pitching that warrants a 3 year, $38,000,000 pay day?” Again, “no” is the answer, Chatstick. And while you’re in the bathroom for questioning, you also oughta ask that guy lookin’ back at you why he sucked so badly. And he’d better have an answer before your next start.

If I F’d up like that at my job and thought I should keep on doin’ the same thing — that I should “trust” it — my sorry ass would be out on the street in about 4-1/2 seconds. I wouldn’t get a chance to “build off” it for next time.

Now I’ll say this for Chatwood: In spite of the six walks, he was super stingy with the hits, giving up just a solitary run to the Reds. So we shoulda won. No question. With the lineup we got, we oughta be able to hand out 30 or 40 runs in every game and still win. So, to me, Chatwood doesn’t get saddled with that loss, the offense does. With 58 strikeouts in five games — a new league record, by the way — it’s the Cubs bats that can’t be trusted. They’re 7-for-51 with runners in scoring position, so far — a whopping .137 average. That’s not somethin’ you can build on, my friend. That’s somethin’ you oughta scrape off the friggin’ lot.

Until the bats wake up, though, we can’t be gettin’ into a lotta traffic jams. In my relatively non-humble opinion, it would be better to take an alternate route. And, as a pitcher, Chatstick oughta not be pattin’ himself on the back, no matter what. Twistin’ his arm up like that is a good way to end up on the disabled list.

Of course I could be wrong. But I’m not.

Joe

WHAT A THREE-TOED SLOTH, THE GEOLOGIC TIME SCALE AND THE 2018 CHICAGO CUBS HAVE IN COMMON.

· 2018 Cubs, Joe Sez · , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Hey there, rubber bands. Ever heard of the geologic time scale (GTS)? Yeah, me neither. It’s a system used by rock hounds to describe the timing and relationships of stuff that’s occurred during Earth’s history, which happens so slowly it’s really the only way to do it. An eon, for example — the largest division of this time scale — spans hundreds to thousands of millions of years, which is one helluva long time, pallie. So until now, there have only been two major eons: the Precambrian and the Phanerozoic.

However, based on the Cubs immeasurably slow start this season, I’m guessin’ the National Academy of Science may have to introduce a third major division in the GTS — the Northsidian eon — as the only feasible way to track the April the Chicago Cubs are puttin’ together.

Have there been worse Aprils? Of course. In 1988, Baltimore went 0-21 before splitting their last four games to finish 2-23 in April. I remember that. They coulda easily just cleared out the clubhouse and started settin’ up tee times. I mean the season was done; burnt to a crisp before May Day, which I’m sure was a pretty common phrase in Baltimore that spring. And let’s not forget the Cubbies, who started seasons at 6-19 in 1962, 1966 and 1997. So, yeah, there have been some total crap Aprils since the beginning of baseball time, and five games in, no one should worry.

So why the need for a new eon now?

Cuz context matters, my friend. Leadin’ up to opening day, any conversation about the Cubs was peppered with assumptions of dominance. Sportswriters were practically wettin’ themselves over the strength of the revamped pitching staff and a line up so fearsome that some opponents might rather forfeit games instead of subjecting themselves to a lopsided Cubs beatdown.

Instead, we’ve come outta the gate like a three-toed sloth — an animal that tops out at 10 feet per minute. And we’ve done it against the Fish and the Reds, two teams that might have trouble qualifyin’ for this summer’s Northwest Little League Regional. It’s embarrassing, my friend. Our pitching has been about as hot as the last ice age, and our bats have demonstrated all the firepower of a fossilized salamander.

Take a look at the numbers in the first 5 games:

We’re hittin’ .204 with 58 strikeouts. Un-friggin-believable.

44 of those Ks were brought to you, for the most part, by the high-butter fat cream of the lineup: Happ (10, and he’s supposed to be a leadoff hitter), Contreras (8, not a surprise given he swings at everything within 3 city blocks of the plate), Rizzo (6), and Bryant, Schwarber and Heyward (each with 5).

Although we’ve had 64 base runners, we’ve scored just 19 times and only managed to swipe a single base.

Did I mention Happ, our leadoff “hitter” has struck out 10 times? 10 FRIGGIN’ TIMES!

In game 2 against the Fish, we had a whole regulation 9 inning game, plus 8 extra ones, to get the slippery bastards in the boat. But did we? No! We let ’em off the hook, that’s what we did.

And we’ve been shut out twice already, including yesterday’s weak two-hit effort we put up … AGAINST THE FRIGGIN’ REDS!

What I’m hopin’ is that this pinched-loaf of a start is nothin’ more than the calm before the storm; the geological nap before baseball’s La Garita. And if it turns out that way, it would be nice if the 1,000 cubic miles of ash we leave in our wake includes a high concentration of St Louis Cardinals, Chicago White Sox, New York Mets and Clayton Kershaw.

Joe

STROP IS LIKE A BOX OF CHOCOLATES: YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU’RE GONNA GET.

· 2018 Cubs, Joe Sez · , , , , ,

Hey there, swizzle sticks. I hate to be judgmental with 159 games left to play, but if I wasn’t, you might not recognize me. Plus, after splittin’ with the Fish today instead of frying ’em up and feeding ’em to some feral cats, I’m not exactly feeling like the Easter Bunny. So, with the season’s umbilical cord still attached, I think it’s time somebody (me, for instance) asked a really obvious question: What the hell is Pedro Strop still doin’ on the Cubs?

To me, that’s like askin’ where astrophysical neutrinos come from, cuz the answer is the same: Nobody knows.

Bringin’ Strop into a game is a total crap shoot, and more often than not, without the “shoot” part. And yesterday was no exception, pallie. Yeah, the guy escapes with the win. Party on, Garth. But that was cuz of Bryant’s base-clearing double in extras, and the setting of the table before it, not cuz Strop came in and exerted his willful authority over the Fish. Hardly. We wouldn’t have even been in extras if Strop hadn’t given up a game-tying hit in the 8th.

Full disclosure: Darvish did his part, too, givin’ up all the hard work our bats did before he was yanked in the 4th (which was waaaaaaay too late, in my opinion. He wasn’t sharp, and anyone payin’ attention to his pitch location could see that he was havin’ a ton of trouble stayin’ in the Miami zip code. Maddon shoulda yanked him sooner.

But the jury is still out on Darvish. Strop, on the other hand, is in his 6th season with Chicago, and has pretty much painted a full color self portrait for us already. Has he had flashes of brilliance? Absolutely. Is he single-handedly responsible for narrowing the coronary arteries of every Cubs fan alive? Also absolutely. Strop is a high trans-fat diet in pin stripes. And that’s what drives me up the ivy covered wall, pal — the fact that he’s so friggin’ unpredictable.

I think his stuff can be pretty darn nasty at times. But he routinely has a serious problem findin’ the strike zone. And when he does, it’s often the part where the hitter happens to have put his bat.

Strop’s WHIP in 2017 was the worst he’s had since joining the Cubs in 2013. Not a good trend. Still, he’s thrown 272.2 innings over that period and racked up 320 strike outs. By itself that’s pretty awesome. But he’s also given up 173 hits, 107 walks, thrown 29 wild pitches and plunked 19 batters along the way. Not exactly Greg Maddux. What makes it worse is those things often seem to come at the most inopportune moments for the Cubs, which compounds their effect.

I gotta hope Theo sees somethin’ in Strop that us mortals can’t, and that he expects it to come out in its full glory this season. Of course, I also hope that Scarlett Johansson is hawkin’ sausages in my section in her full glory for the home opener. Maybe just some Jimmy Choo’s. I’m not sure hope will be enough in either instance.

Joe

PS. (Which in this case stands for Pedro Strop) put your friggin’ hat on straight.

YOU WANNA SPEED UP THE GAME, MANFRED? TRY ENFORCING THE RULES YOU ALREADY GOT.

· Baseball Rules, Joe Sez · , , , , , , ,

Hey there, speed bags. Yesterday, this season’s eventual World Series champion Chicago Cubs went down to the Marlins, 2-1, in a 17 inning marathon. Seein’ as how that mattress stain, Rob Manfred, has a major chubby over folding up a baseball game nice and neat-like so it fits into his pocket watch, I thought this an opportune time to throw out my own ideas for speedin’ up the game. I figure it’s gonna happen anyway, right? Fighting off Manfred-types is a full time job, and usually a losing battle. They’re everywhere, like [NAME OF LYING POLITICIAN, HERE] or [NAME OF ARROGANT HOLLYWOOD TYPE, HERE] who think they know what’s best for you, me and the rest of humanity, no matter what the subject. And they’re not the least bit shy about tryin’ to force their opinions — or if it’s Harvey Weinstein, his hairy, sweaty, lard-jiggling body — on anyone with a pulse.

In Manfred’s case — in spite of the internet rumors floatin’ around about him and the San Diego Chicken — I’m pretty sure it’s just baseball he’s systematically tryin’ to ruin. And by “just baseball”, I don’t mean to make it sound unimportant, cuz it is, my friend. How important? Well … if there was a moon-size asteroid headin’ towards Earth at a bazillion miles an hour, and we had a choice between figuring out how to avoid the destruction of all life on Earth, or savin’ baseball from the menstruation-like mood swings of Rob Manfred — I’d save baseball. No question. I mean, without baseball (which includes encased meat products, Old Style and curly fries) life’s not worth livin’ anyway. Simple choice.

So, without further adieu (or any adieu at all, for that matter) here are my speed up the game rule suggestions for Mr Womanfred:

Chuck instant replay for a coin flip. (Savings: Between 2 and 5 minutes per review.)

If there’s one thing baseball has done to slow down ball games more than anything (besides giving David Price and Daisuke Matsuzaka major league contracts) it’s allowin’ umpires to review certain plays using instant replay. Lemme tell ya, there’s nothin’ instant about it, pal. As soon as a manager points to the headset technician, you might as well grab your favorite reading material and go drop the kids off at the pool, cuz absolutely nothin’ is happening in the ballgame for at least 5 minutes. Seems like there are a handful of these in every game, too. Problem is, I only got so many kids that need swimmin’ lessons in any given 3 hour period, which makes for a lot of watchin’ umpires standing around.

You gotta ask yourself one question, though: Is the added review time worth gettin’ the calls right? Yes, is the answer. It’s worth it. As someone who’d rather have his left nut removed with a rusty hacksaw than have an umpire screw up a call, I’m willin’ to wait it out. (Boy, am I ever willin’ to wait that out.) But unlike the Commish, I don’t think there’s something wrong with the length of a ballgame.

Consider this: From 2014 thru 2017, there were 5,359 challenges issued in major league games, with the original call being upheld 50.96% of the time. Thursday — opening day 2018 — was right on track with that, too. Six challenges were issued — three upheld and three overturned. Basically blue is right only half of the time on close calls. Not good enough for me.

Now you could just do away with instant replay, which I don’t wanna, but you’d definitely save time. Or … you could replace instant replay with a coin flip. The home plate umpire flips a coin and the call is made by the manager issuing the challenge. The law of averages says it’ll work out about the same as having no replay at all — 50/50. But the arbitrary nature of it, which makes no sense at all, means its exactly like all the other changes Manfred has force-fed Major League Baseball, that also make no sense.

The Major League mercy rule. (Savings: Between 42 and 53 minutes.)

I’m sure half of Manfred’s itch to speed up the game has to do with him wantin’ to get home before his favorite nail salon closes. Here’s an idea … At the conclusion of the 7th inning, a team shall be declared the winner of the game if it has already accumulated a lead of three runs or more. If the differential favors the home team, this determination will be made after the conclusion of the visiting team’s turn at bat.

There you go, Lord Manfred. The first step toward seven inning games, which I know is what you really want.

The three foul ball rule. (Savings: About 1 minute per foul ball saved.)

This would be an addendum to Rule 5.09, “Making an Out.” To the long list (15 in all) of stipulations defining when a batter is out, Manfred could add the following:

A batter is out when, with two strikes, he accumulates three foul balls:
(a) In addition to any that resulted in either or both of the first two strikes;
(b) None of which is legally caught by a fielder;
(c) None of which are foul tips caught by the catcher.

I’ve been to games — tons of ’em — where guys foul off 8 or 10 pitches in an at bat. It’s like Bobby Fisher and Boris Spassky on a diamond. (No, White Sox fans, they are not in the Hall of Fame.) It’s friggin’ awesome! Especially when it’s a Cubs player doing the fouling off and a guy like Kershaw getting meat-grinder arm. But Manfred’s bird brain doesn’t understand how great that is; it doesn’t see a duel of wills between pitcher and batter; it doesn’t feel any edge-of-the-seat tension. The Manfred brain just counts the extra minutes that are being added to the elapsed time of the game, which in turn sends signals to the glass-shard, acid-coated, beachball-sized burr he’s got lodged in his backside that make it rotate a time or two.

Note: Based on last years numbers, the rules committee is considering adding a 16th sub-item to “Making an Out” in the official MLB rule book, which would read as follows: “If the player’s name is Jose Bautista.”

Pitching change, smitching change. (Savings: About 12 minutes.)

A helluva lot of extra time is introduced into ballgames due to pitching changes. Limiting them would speed the game up a ton. It sounds like a crazy idea — and it is, my friend — cuz it removes a good portion of the strategy available to managers. Of course, that’s what the Designated Hitter rule did, too, and that sissy thing has been around the junior circuit for decades.

But let’s take a look at the numbers. In 2016, for instance, each team used 4.15 pitchers per game. That means, on average, you’re stoppin’ each game 6.3 times to bring in a new arm and give him his eight warm-up tosses. I figure that’s about 18 minutes.

Possible Manfred rule: Limit pitching changes to two per team, including the closer, should the manager decide to use one. An exception would be made for injury, but other than that, just two pitching changes per nine innings.

Enforce the rules you already got. (Savings: 45.75 minutes.)

Plain and simple, baseball doesn’t need more rules. In fact they could stand to repeal a few, most especially that Designated Hitter abomination. And in regard to speedin’ up the game, Manfred only needs to open up his 2018 Major League Rule Book and check out page 35. Rule 5.07(c), “Pitcher Delays”, which reads as follows:

When the bases are unoccupied, (like anytime the Cubs are playin’ the Cards and the Cards are battin’) the pitcher shall deliver the ball to the batter within 12 seconds after he receives the ball. Each time the pitcher delays the game by violating this rule, the umpire shall call “Ball.”

The 12-second timing starts when the pitcher is in possession of the ball and the batter is in the box, alert to the pitcher. The timing stops when the pitcher releases the ball.

The intent of this rule is to avoid unnecessary delays. The umpire shall insist that the catcher return the ball promptly to the pitcher, and that the pitcher take his position on the rubber promptly. Obvious delay by the pitcher should instantly be penalized by the umpire.

Given that whiffle ball head of Manfred’s, it’s possible that rule 5.07(c) went in one hole and out another. There’s a good chance of that. Or maybe his dog ate page 35 of his rule book. Whatever it is, we don’t need a pitch clock and rules defining it. Instead, Womanfred needs to man up and tell that group of narcissist’s called Major League Umpires to do their friggin’ jobs and enforce the rules baseball already has.

And here’s why:

Daisuke Matsuzaka’s pitch pace is the slowest in Major League Baseball, averaging a turtle-like 25.9 seconds between pitches. Mark Buehrle gets the rabbit award with a 16.4 second interval. So even though Buehrle is the lightning bolt of big league pitchers, there’s still a lot of molasses in his gearbox.

Let’s shove the probe up that donkey just a little bit further:

Now take the average between Matsuzaka and Buehrle — 21.15 seconds between pitches — and use that as the average pace for all pitchers. That’s 9.15 seconds over the 12 seconds allotted under Rule 5.07(c). Multiply that figure by the number of pitches in a game — 300 (approximately 150 per side, on average) and you get a total of 2,745 seconds. That’s 45.75 minutes. I think there are some marsupials that have shorter gestation periods than that.

So, Manfred, enforce the friggin’ rules you already got, and keep your sticky fingers off of the perfection of the game.

For anyone who feels I’m unfairly pickin’ on Manfred …

Not so. I’ve picked on every Commissioner baseball has ever had, equally. Besides, they haven’t averaged more than 23 brain cells between them (although that figure would be higher if you took Bud Selig out of the equation). Manfred is just the most recent example of the destructive effects that pathological stupidity can have on the game of baseball. Unfortunately, he won’t be the last.

Joe