THE BIGGEST ROCK HEAD STATEMENTS OF ALL TIME.
· 2016 Cubs, Joe Sez · Gerrit Cole, Pittsburgh Pirates
I’ll say this about Gerrit Cole; he’s in good company, although it has absolutely nothing to do with his arm. After beating the Cubs last night, thereby barely and finally scratching out a victory — the first in 6 tries against Chicago this season — Cole says, “I don’t really think they’re the best team in baseball.”
Really? I think maybe this Pirate is suffering from scurvy or something.
Before I get to the “good company” part, let’s just mow the facts into the infield grass where even the Lump of Cole oughta be able to read them from his 12 inch perch (assuming he can read). 1) The Cubs, at 27-9, are, in fact, currently the best team in baseball. Period. 2) The Cubs have a +109 run differential. Also, the best in baseball. In fact, it’s higher than the next two teams (Red Sox +58 and Cardinals +46) combined. 3) The Cubs have the highest power ranking, the lowest team ERA, and opposing teams (like the Pirates) have a batting average against us just two points over the Mendoza line. I’ll mention here that the Cubs have also outscored the Pirates 38-13 in their six head-to-head games this season. Seems like Cole oughta keep his nose outta the rosin bag.
Ennnn-eeeeee-waaaaaay … Like I said, the guy’s in good company. Famous, even. I mean outta all the stupid public statements ever made (not including Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Brian Williams or various Miss America contestants) I rank Cole’s at least at the whip cream level … maybe even the cherry on top. Why? Because hind sight is 20/20, my friend. That means I can sorta forgive some of these other guys for the things they said. But the Cole Choo Choo? … He had the numbers staring him in the kisser, AND was personally shelled by the Cubs a couple weeks ago, but he went ahead and spiked his tongue anyway. Morons don’t get any slack from me. Anyway, here’s my list:
“The Beatles have no future in show business.” | A Decca Records executive to Brian Epstein, the band’s manager, following an audition in 1962. “We don’t like your boys’ sound.” he continued. “Groups are out. Four-piece groups with guitars, particularly, are finished.” Can you imagine what that cost Decca? Even more than Boras is gonna be wringing outta the Nats in the Harper deal.
“Hell freezes over. The Cubs will win the World Series.” | Sports Illustrated has never picked a winner, and in the 2000’s their editors seemed especially determined to meld their curse with Chicago’s, with this 2004 prediction — the first of two covers predicting the end of the Cubs’ century-long championship drought. Thanks a lot, butt heads.
“The horse is here to stay, but the automobile is only a novelty; a fad.” | The president of the Michigan Savings Bank, in 1903, advising Henry Ford’s lawyer not to invest in the Ford Motor Company. This guy liked horses, but you wouldn’t have wanted him makin’ your Trifecta picks.
“Children just aren’t interested in witches and wizards anymore.” | Anonymous publishing executive writing to J.K Rowling in 1996. Based on this prediction, I’d say certain publishing executives were pretty interested in the want ads in 1997.
“There’s no chance that the iPhone is going to get any significant market share. No chance.” | Microsoft CEO, Steve Ballmer, in 2007. Hello, you have reached the voice mail for Steve Ballmer. I cannot take your call right now because I’m having my head examined.
“It’s gonna happen. Kosake Fukudome can end the Cubs’ 100 year wait.” | In 2008, having blown a prediction for a Cubs World Series championship 4 years earlier, Sports Illustrated did it again, based largely on a rushed overreaction to one good month by Kosake Fukudome. The good news is that they picked us to lose this year’s Series, which means we’re not only good enough to make it, we’re a lock to win it. Thank you, SI.
“Stock prices have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.” | Economist Irving Fisher in October 1929, three days before the stock market crash that triggered the Great Depression. This guy’s career was ruined over this. Now, I don’t want to wish that on Mr Cole, but I think a 5-20 season would be about the right amount of karma to dish.
“Television won’t last because people will soon get tired of staring at a plywood box every night.” | Darryl Zanuck, 20th Century Fox movie producer, in 1946. Zanuck made some pretty good movies, huge, in fact. None of them were about baseball, though. Enough said.
So, somewhere in there, I would insert Cole Train’s statement about the Cubs. Close to the top. Capitalized. Red letters. Underlined. Why? Cuz not only was it stupid, it was uttered by the same dip stick that allowed six runs (five earned) on six hits and four walks before he was yanked in the 5th the last time he took the hill against us. He’s also the loser of last year’s one-game wild-card playoff — where he was equally overpowering — generously surrendering four runs, also in five innings (thank you, Mr Cole) including a couple of yard shots to Schwarber and Fowler. Can’t wait ’til we face this alzeimer’s case again.
Joe