Know what I love about baseball, Cubcakes? The Code, that’s what. That good old free market system of behavioral correction that finally got Joey Bautista cold cocked on Sunday by the Rangers’ Rougned Odor. And I mean friggin’ hammered, sport fans. Shellacked like a shit house toilet seat. Odor answered that age-old question, “You wouldn’t hit a man with glasses, would you?” by drilling Joey Bats in the jaw so hard his extra pair of Oakleys fell out of his locker. Hey, Brycie, still think the game is boring? Still love how Bautista “expressed himself” with a bat flip against the Rangers in last year’s ALDS? Well, Vegas, eventually that comes with a price, as your Blue Jay buddy found out when Odor rattled his nuts like a handful of dice in a Yahtzee cup.
It appears, my Cubs-loving friends, that expression is a two-way street patrolled by The Code. Hey, I don’t care if you like the Rangers or the Blue Jays or even that corrupt gang of World Series sellouts from the south side of town, act like an asshole in in this game and you’ll get set straighter than a ten-peckered billy goat. Eventually.
Robbie Womanfred’s sissy, college-boy slide rule didn’t keep Joey Bats from sliding hard and late into Odor at second. Maybe Joey’s trying to break up the double play, maybe he’s answering back to getting plunked in the back earlier in the inning. Don’t know, don’t care. There are three things Smokin’ Joe Schlombowski does know, however: 1) Chanel-wearing ESPN babes wouldn’t have wrinkles in their undies if Joey Bautista hadn’t “expressed himself” last fall; 2) Rougned Odor landed the cleanest shot to a jaw I’ve ever seen outside the ring at Johnny Coulon’s Gym on East 63rd; and 3) with all due respect to the Rangers’ second sacker, I’m sure glad my last name’s Schlombowski.
I do believe the entire Texas Rangers pitching staff has just seen their careers flash before their eyes. Why?
Muntadhar al-Zaidi — reporter for Baghdadiya Television; right handed; excellent velocity; decent control; deceptive delivery. And he’s a free agent. Well, technically he’s currently an incarcerated agent, but I think you know what I mean, my friend.
Alright, alright. He was throwing shoes, not baseballs. And that is a girly thing to do, I grant you. But hey, the Rangers already pitch like a bunch of junior high cheerleaders, so you can’t really use that against this guy. And just try throwing a shoe compared to a hardball. No way you can control a size 10-1/2 as well as the horse hide, my friend. Plus, there was some serious cheese on those things. At least the first one. I gotta think he took a little off the second one to try and throw Bush’s timing off, but he ducked that one, too. Behind a podium, I might add.
So I figure you put this guy on the mound in Arlington — where guys can’t hide behind large, immovable wooden objects — and the Rangers just improved their team pitching stats by about 20%.
Think about it, Texas.
First of all, you could sign him for something like a couple of showers a week. And it would only take one field trip to Texas before he’d be itching to put his name on the dotted line. One look at those Lonestar state debutants and (schwing!) hello big hair, good bye burka.
Second, he’s totally fearless. Totally. I mean the guy stood up in a room surrounded by gun-toting Secret Service agents and chucked his shoes at the most powerful man on the planet; a guy who could train 400 ICBMs on his little patch of sand and push the magic ‘disappear’ button. Given that, do you think A-Rod stepping into the box with the bases loaded and the game on the line is gonna mean squat to al-Z? I think not, pallie.
Third, he’ll challenge hitters. I mean before he even started his wind up — before he was hardly out of his crappy little folding chair — this guy barks “This is a farewell kiss, dog,” at the President. (I think that’s what he said. My Arabic is a little rusty.) A trash talkin’ Iraqi; you gotta love it. And announcing it was coming is just so totally psycho. You gotta think this bozo is good closer material. Anyway, the only challenge the Ranger staff throws up now is makin’ it through the bottom of the third, so closer or not, this guy deserves a look.