Hey there, turf toes. Happy little Friday. (Uh … that mean’s Thursday, White Sox fans.)
Anybody see Tim Tebow’s debut as a Met yesterday? Two words: strike six. One can only hope that the rest of the Mets — all goose-bumped from showerin’ with a Heisman Trophy winner — start swingin’ just like him. Hey, I totally get that hittin’ a wicked-nasty Rick Porcello sinker is harder than a choir boy at a porn festival. And I freely admit that the only difference between Tebow at the plate and ME at the plate is about 5 inches and 47 lbs of solid muscle. But I mean, c’mon … Puttin’ Joey Chestnut in a suit and tie doesn’t qualify him to teach classes on the finer points of culinary etiquette.
Now I like Tebow. As a football player. In that capacity, I thought he got the shaft by the press — a bunch of yay-hoos who couldn’t hit water if they fell out of a boat, by the way, and who attacked the hell outta him for wearin’ his faith on his football uniform sleeve. Especially that colossal trouser snake, Bill Maher. Of course you never hear anyone breath a friggin’ syllable about players of color, in any sport, for expressing their thanks to the Almighty after takin’ someone deep, or for praising the G-man after winnin’ the Super Bowl. But Tebow? They did everything but actually nail him to a cross, my friend.
I give a lot of credit to the guy for standing up to that pinheaded crap and chasin’ his other dream. I mean I’m guessing baseball is some kinda dream. Although, so far, it’s a pretty bad one. Still, workin’ hard enough to get a shot is commendable. But at some point, I think we’re gonna have another Michael Jordan come-to-Jesus revelation, and Timmy is gonna realize that hittin’ a running back would be lot easier than hittin’ a baseball.
And if that doesn’t happen, even the geniuses running the Mets may eventually bring their heads back out in the sunshine. Of course, I could be wrong. But I’m not.
The other day, I made a wise crack about the play the White Sox made at first base which, I admit, was pretty awesome. Mark Buehrle chases down a ball up the line and, on a dead run, scoops it to Konerko between his legs to nail Eric Hosmer at first. Highlight reel stuff.
Nonetheless, seeing as how it’s against my religion to say anything nice about the White Sox, I went to their Facebook page and posted the following comment: “BFD. When your right fielder pegs a guy at third with that kinda throw, then pop off. The class of Chicago plays at Clark & Addison my friend.” Figured I’d see if anybody on the South Side had any detectible brain activity. That, and the fact that I absolutely LOVE poking Sox fans cuz they’re so easily agitated. Not sure why that is, but rumor has it it’s the cheap material in those Victoria’s Secret panties they like to wear for good luck.
Anyway, 10 minutes later it’s like December 7th 1941 and my name is Pearl Harbor. It was a major barrage, with the recurring theme of our 108 year drought. (Lot’s of imagination on the South Side of Chicago; about the same as a box of rocks.) I had to just laugh cuz these guys will go all the way to the bottom of the rabbit hole if you play along. So what did I do? Head first, baby! It seemed like my duty to remind them that they root for the one, single, solitary team in the unabridged history of baseball to throw the World Series. I mean, you can root for anyone, right? Why pick a team that put that giant crap stain on the game? That’s like choosing to root for the Nazi’s.
Well, you can imagine how that went over. “Wow, nice jab at us Sox fans. We weren’t around in 1919.” And “What have you won? Oh … that’s right, nothing.” Again, the kind of responses you’d expect from a girly scout. Pathetic … like when they tore down Comiskey Park.
So, to set the record straight for Sox fans (and please do remind them of this fact) the Chicago Cubs have 2 World Series championships; 1907 and 1908. After we win it this year we’ll have 3. That happens to be the same number — as lame as it is — that the White Sox have. But hey, let’s take this year off the table and just consider the 5 wins between us. The White Sox have won 2.7% of the 111 World Series championships that have been played. The Cubs? 1.8%. Wow, that’s such a HUGE friggin’ difference. Hell, no wonder Sox fans have that superior attitude. Sheesh. Oh … and we’ve also been to the damn thing twice as often as they have.
Two more words: Robin Ventura. Whenever I get that mosquito feeling — that irritating, high-pitched buzzing of Sox fans trying to suck my blood — I bring out the fly swatter; White Sox manager, Robin Ventura. I like to think about the time he was head-locked by a guy twice his age and pummeled like a rag doll for trying to act tough. Tip of the Joe lid for that, Nolan Ryan.