A snake. A rat. A cockroach. And anything that one might find growing in the dank corners of a gas station bathroom. These are things that should hold a higher place among men than the one, the only — the ever-lovin’ lulu of dastardly, scum-sucking, hemorrhoid-inducing jack wagons — the traitor. In this case, Dexter Fowler.

That’s right, snowballs, this morning the St. Louis Cardinals (the devil’s agents among the living) announced that they’d inked a deal with our former leadoff hitter to the tune of $82.5 million for 5 years. Chaaaaaaaaaaaa-ching. The guy is gettin’ a gargantuan payday. Does he deserve it? Well, let’s see … Did he cure cancer? Did he stop the climate from changin’? Did he bring me that human ice cream cone, Scarlett Johansson? No, no and, sadly, no. But this is baseball. Nobody deserves what they get paid. If you accept that then, yeah, Fowler should get a few years and more for each one. But that’s not the real story here.

The real headline is ripped from some stupid history book Sister Demarus made me read in 8th grade, and recounted the story of Benedict Arnold — a guy who fought heroically for the Continental Army (that’s our side, pinwheels). At some point, though, he started providin’ the British with American troop locations and, as the commander of West Point, began weakening the fort’s defenses, draining its supplies and craftin’ a surrender plot right underneath George Washington’s nose. Really … how different is Fowler than Arnold? Yeah, sure … they don’t look alike, they live in totally different times, and one was a soldier and the other a centerfielder. On the surface, it doesn’t seem like they were stamped outta the same mold. But they SMELL exactly the same, my friend. And it’s this odoriferous scent of Turn Coat No. 5 that makes Fowler the Benedict Arnold of the Chicago Cubs.

First, I gotta question the decision makin’ power of a guy who snubs a $17.2 million qualifying offer from the current World Series Champion — a team that stands to compete for the same hardware for the next few years. That one thing, all by itself, makes me think the guy had somethin’ in the works — even if it was just in his own mind — while still in the throes of last season. Either that or he needs an intravenous drip of Prevagen.

“I feel like this team has a chance to win a World Series,” Fowler said. “That was a big part in coming [to St Louis], because winning is addictive.” Is that right, Mr Cockroach? What the F do you call winning the World Series? Look, you don’t have to be Einstein to read between those lines, pal. If winning was what mattered to F (yeah, I’m gonna call him F from now on, and you can make your own mind up on what I mean by that) then why jump from the best team in baseball, run by the smartest guy (Theo) and the best field manager (Joe)? What F really means is that makin’ more money than God is addictive. If he’d been tendered an $83 million/5 year offer from the Wenatchee Valley Cherry Bombs girls softball team, he’d be gettin’ his fix in eastern Washington.

Second, and far far worse … we’re talkin’ the Cardinals. Not the Mariners, not the Mets, not the Marlins. The friggin’ Cardinals! The dead-on metaphoricalicious equivalent of the British. They even have the same ugly friggin’ color scheme uniforms, pallie. Coincidence? I think NOT! Goin’ to a team in the same division, not to mention our most hated arch rival since the beginning of baseball time, is a sure sign that Fowler is tryin’ to inflict as much damage to the Cubs as possible. He might as well have marched into Theo’s office and dropped the kids off on his desk.

To St. Louis I say this: Study your history, dirt bags. Benedict Arnold eventually began openly fighting for the British. And though they paid him well, they never really trusted him. I mean, you can’t trust someone that’s so easily willing to betray somebody else. He’s in your house now, lurking in the shadows. Good luck with that. You’re gonna need it when you do battle with the Cubs.

Joe