Hey there, racquetballs, how’s it goin’? It’s about .500 for the Cubbies so far. Not so good, but something that’ll take care of itself, I expect. What’s itchin’ my six like a couple thousand fire ants, though, is how Major League Baseball is lettin’ this whole reincarnation thing run amok before its very eyes. Of course I’m talkin’ about Shohei Ohtani, who OBVIOUSLY is Babe Ruth reincarnated. There’s no other explanation, unless he’s a super hero or somethin’. And what sorta crackpot believes in something that far fetched?!

Reincarnation, on the other hand, is absolutely, totally 100% real. Hey, if it’s good enough for Oprah it’s good enough for me and 80% of the housewives in America, pallie. Besides, how else can you explain Donald Trump (who’s actually the Three Stooges reincarnated) or Harvey Weinstein (Marie Antoinette) or Lester Holt (a deer in the headlights)?

And what is Rob Manfred doin’ about it? Not a damn thing. He’s too busy counting his fingers and toes, which is how he tracks the time between pitches. That’s what he thinks is ruining baseball. To be fair, Womanfred wasn’t part of the game when Barry Bonds was turning himself into the Incredible Hulk, so maybe he’s not tuned into the way ballplayers try to get an edge. But reincarnation is happening on his watch, my friend, and he’s lettin’ Ohtani play unfettered ($5 big word bonus) like he’s just another Japanese import that rolled off the boat from the Honda factory.

Look at the guy’s numbers:

Ohtani has got some serious chopsticks. He’s 2-0 with 18 strikeouts in 13 innings while on the mound, and opponents are hitting just .133 against him. Friggin’ unreal. Maybe it’s the almond shaped eyes and the language thing that’s throwing people. Maybe that’s why it’s hard to grasp how a white guy with a beer gut could be a Japanese guy built like a ramen noodle. But what makes him Babe Ruth in an Angels uniform are the rest of the numbers. Ohtani’s slash line is an other worldly .368/.400/.842/1.242. To which I say, Hi-ya Babe. What’s the afterlife like and can you tell me how Shoeless Joe Jackson is doin’?

The only other guy that ever played the game of baseball like that was Babe Ruth. He could do it on the mound AND at the plate. And what … there’s been like a hundred million major league ballplayers since then. So if reincarnation isn’t the answer to the Ohtani voodoo, how come there haven’t been any other two-way phenoms this side of the sushi bar? Plus, Ohtani picked the Angels. That’s right, ghost busters. After lookin’ at a bunch of teams, including the Cubs, he picks a team named for the spirits of dead people. Coincidence? I think not, my friend. Ohtani is the Babe. I’d bet my kimono on it.

Why somethin’ has got to be done:

Are you kiddin’ me? So the Angels have brought Babe Ruth back. Who’s next … Lou Gehrig? Cy Young? Jackie Robinson? I’m not sure if someone could bring Ted Williams back cuz his frozen head was disconnected from the hittin’ and throwin’ parts. But if players like Ty Cobb and Mickey Mantle and Roberto Clemente and Jimmy Fox, not to mention Josh Gibson and Yogi, are reincarnated and playin’ again as someone else, that’s not quite a level cemetery. Know what I’m sayin’?

So how about it, Manfred? Time to pull your head outta your stop watch and take on reincarnation. Baseball is a game of numbers and Shohei Ohtani already had his chance to put his up when he was playin’ for the Sox and Yanks as Babe Ruth.

Of course I could be wrong. But I’m not.

Joe

PS. If reincarnation is left to run rampant, I say we bring Ernie outta retirement.