2016 Cubs

WILL JAKE ARRIETA EVER LOSE AGAIN?

· 2016 Cubs, Joe Sez ·

HOWDY-DOODY-JAKE-ARRIETA-LOSE

Is the sky blue? Is the Pope Catholic? Does Howdy Doody have wooden balls? Yesterday against the Cards, the right arm of Jake Arrieta wasn’t quite as bazooka-like as it has been for the 22 starts that immediately preceded it, but it had enough boom shaka-laka to get the win; his 23rd in a row, tying the Major League record and sparking the stupid question, will Jake Arrieta ever lose again? Actually, there are no stupid questions, just stupid people asking questions … which makes it difficult to distinguish them from White Sox fans.

The obvious answer, though, is that, yes, Arrieta is gonna lose again. Oh … I suppose he could get run over by the team bus before his next start, in which case then, yeah, he’ll never lose again, but 1) I think he’d rather lose again and 2) winning streaks are overrated. The problem with streaks is that after a while they start to get inside your head; you begin thinkin’ about not losing — not breakin’ the streak — instead of focusing on winning. And there’s a difference, pal. The fact that that question was even asked is proof that there’s something to my theory. Of course, it was asked by a member of the media, and there’s really no way to gauge just how far down the moron scale those can be. If you wanna keep a winning streak in perpetual motion, you gotta ask different questions. Do you think Jake will throw another no-no this season? How many times will he strike out the side tonight? Which will be the bigger story in October, the Cubs winning the Series or Arrieta going undefeated? If your mind is in the right place, you’re a lot more likely to get what you want. (That’s what the missus tells me, but it’s difficult to square that during baseball season.)

Anyway, winning streaks aren’t important. I’m probably more superstitious than the next guy, and am known to exhibit all kinds of borderline psychotic behavior to keep them going. But I’d much rather the Cubs win 85 games, make it to the playoffs by the skin of their teeth, then win their last game, than see them win 30 in a row. Think about it; if you get through the season with a hundred W’s, but never more than 3 in succession, you’re gonna get a shot at the hardware. Arrieta’s streak is nice, for sure, but there’s a 100% chance it won’t last. Even if it does, it has about as much influence on the fate of the Cubs as Donald Trump’s hair spray.

When Jake loses, the thing to ask won’t be, “Will this ruin his season?” or “You think this will get in his head?” Rather, we should all wonder if his next winning streak will be longer than the first. That, and whether the Pope shits in the woods.

Joe

TOMMY LA STELLA? OFF WITH HIS HEAD? SERIOUSLY?

· 2016 Cubs, Joe Sez, Uncategorized · , , ,

ROBINSON-AND-LA-STELLA

Hey, if there’s anyone out there willing to drag the Cubs through the mud when they deserve it, it’s me, my friend. Sometimes, fingers need to be pointed (or in the case of the Mets, flipped) and, now and then the Cubs deserve to be on the receiving end. Why? Cuz In my mind, it serves no one’s purpose to “Hillary Clinton” things whenever the Cubs start conducting business on a private server. When they do that, I call ’em on it. But HOLY FRIGGIN’ CRAP! … What the hell is up with you guys wantin’ to string Tommy La Stella up by his Draymond Green target area?! Especially Jesse Rogers, who follows the Cubs for ESPN. I mean, it’s easy for us yay-hoos to mouth off from the cheap seats, but a pro callin’ a kid out cuz he fertilizes the infield grass a couple of times seems a bit harsh.

Maybe I’d feel different if we’d lost. Probably. I’m pretty good at blamin’ a loss on a guy’s brain fart. In fact every time I hear the name, Bartman, I still break into a sweat, and it’s a good 45 minutes until the facial tic goes away. So I get it. La Stella has had better days. But it’s not like anyone is whinin’ about our pen (which does finally have some bulls in it this year, but today, and a fair number of other days this season, they’ve looked more like veil calves). What about their roll in today’s near collapse? My point is, it’s a friggin’ team … and no single guy is gonna win or lose a game all on his own, although that’s what it looks like sometimes. It really doesn’t help La Stella to settle down when he gets skewered in the Twittersphere cuz of one bad day at 3rd.

Besides, anyone who is a true baseball fan — and I don’t give a crap how young you are — knows the name, Brooks Robinson. If you don’t, you’re not a fan. Maybe you’re somewhat interested in the game. Maybe you like pin stripes. Maybe you were dropped on your head as a kid … I don’t know … but you’re not a real baseball fan unless you know the name Brooks Robinson and what it stands for; perfection. Without question, the best third baseman to ever step inside the chalk. Period. (You Phillies fans who are at this moment callin’ me names cuz you think Mike Schmidt was better … go get your shine box.) Brooksy had no equal. Never will. He was called “the human vacuum cleaner” and “Mr Impossible.” And his glove — that golden extension of his left arm — was like a black hole; a singularity with a gravitational pull so strong not even light could escape his grasp. It was a place where doubles down the line met a swift and early death. As a hitter, you stood a better chance of havin’ a threesome with Miss July and August than hittin’ a ball past Robinson.

If there is a God, he played 3rd base for Baltimore.

And you know what? Mr Robinson made 263 errors at the hot corner. I grant you, that was over a 23 year, Hall of Fame career, but that averages out to over 10 a year. In fact he booted 21 in a single season once. Still, he was — if you haven’t yet grasped this — the best. So, before all of you “fans” remove every last shred of flesh from Tommy La Stella’s carcass, consider the possibility that his glove could end up as golden as Robinson’s someday. Go ahead and dish it out when someone deserves it, by all means. I’ll be right there with you. But could you try to not be such Yankees fans? Please?

Joe

IS THE BULL PEN HALF FULL OR HALF EMPTY?

· 2016 Cubs, Joe Sez · , ,

CUBS-BULL-PEN-HALF-FULL

Well, cheese doodles, tonight was either a bona fide come-from-behind, never-say-die, skin-of-the-teeth victory, or a brutally honest look at our bull pen. Depends on how you wanna look at it, but since I have an almost mythical knack for finding the cloud wherever there’s a silver lining, I feel the need to point out the obvious flaw in what seems like a World Series team; our bull pen. Watchin’ them tonight was like eyeballin’ a petri dish coated with some disgusting stuff you can’t pronounce swarming around in random ways you can’t predict. And whatever that stuff is, you don’t want to touch it, and you sure as hell don’t want it wearin’ a Cubs uniform.

All I can say is thank you, God, for Joe Maddon. This was like some sort of baseball experiment tonight, where the Cubs were in a Phase II trial to figure just how comatose they could be and still win. Maddon, though, was the mad scientist, mixing things up in crazy ways, and putting parts where they don’t belong until he effectively willed a win out of what appeared to be a collection of inanimate objects. Seriously … how can the Cubs make like friggin’ Ironman for the first 5+ weeks of the season and then turn into Boy George against one of the worst teams in the league? Boggles the mind.

As good as we’ve been (and we’ve been damn good) and as masterful as Dr Maddon is (like a Casey Stengel version of Einstein … or vice versa) tonight’s showing against the Brewers illustrated with the clarity of a Miller High Life bottle that our bull pen is definitely the weak link in the Cubbies chain reaction. They walked 6 guys. SIX! I thought bull pen guys were supposed to throw strikes. That’s why they get brought in in the first place … cuz the previous guy couldn’t throw strikes. I mean if we wanted to keep walkin’ guys we’d just leave the first guy in, who was doin’ a fine job with that already, Right? Even Wood, who got the win by gettin’ out of a spectacular hole he dug for us, and gettin’ walked himself with the bags loaded, probably woulda had a different outcome if it hadn’t been for some of Maddon’s chess moves.

On the other hand, the Cubbies did come away with a win tonight, even if the bull pen was channeling Mitch Williams most of the time. Question is, what kinda pen do they wanna be? The kind that’s directly responsible for an increase in Chicagoland cardiac deaths, or the kind that inspires the sale of (name of Cubs reliever here) jerseys? We’re gonna find out. No question about that.

Joe

IT’S MILLER TIME!

· 2016 Cubs, Joe Sez · ,

CUBS-MILLER-TIME

Tonight, I figured I’d be celebrating our series against the Brew Crew in the time-honored Joe Schlombowski cheap seats way; by pouring a frosty cold Miller straight into the crapper every time we score. Then — since Joe’s Bleachers is the environmentally responsible center of the universe  — flushin’ that nasty-tastin’, gut-bombin’ swill and sending it sloshing back to the brewery, where they can bottle it right back up for sale. Maybe even at Miller Park. (I flush twice, cuz it’s a helluva long way to the Miller Brewing Company.)

Unfortunately we happen to be down by 4 at the moment … which sucks. We haven’t pushed a single run across the plate, either … which also sucks. And Anderson’s got a no-hitter through 6. More sucking. Even worse (for me, anyway) … there’s an entire case of Miller contaminating my man-fridge. I was figuring on our usual 6, 7, maybe 9 runs a game. Not today. Haven’t flushed a single drop down the oval office yet, and if the Cubbies don’t get busy pretty soon, my Old Style is gonna get infused with the stink emanating from those clear bottles. C’mon, Cubs!

Enjoy the rest of the game.

Joe

THE BIGGEST ROCK HEAD STATEMENTS OF ALL TIME.

· 2016 Cubs, Joe Sez · ,

GERRIT-COLE

I’ll say this about Gerrit Cole; he’s in good company, although it has absolutely nothing to do with his arm. After beating the Cubs last night, thereby barely and finally scratching out a victory — the first in 6 tries against Chicago this season — Cole says, “I don’t really think they’re the best team in baseball.”

Really? I think maybe this Pirate is suffering from scurvy or something.

Before I get to the “good company” part, let’s just mow the facts into the infield grass where even the Lump of Cole oughta be able to read them from his 12 inch perch (assuming he can read). 1) The Cubs, at 27-9, are, in fact, currently the best team in baseball. Period. 2) The Cubs have a +109 run differential. Also, the best in baseball. In fact, it’s higher than the next two teams (Red Sox +58 and Cardinals +46) combined. 3) The Cubs have the highest power ranking, the lowest team ERA, and opposing teams (like the Pirates) have a batting average against us just two points over the Mendoza line. I’ll mention here that the Cubs have also outscored the Pirates 38-13 in their six head-to-head games this season. Seems like Cole oughta keep his nose outta the rosin bag.

Ennnn-eeeeee-waaaaaay … Like I said, the guy’s in good company. Famous, even. I mean outta all the stupid public statements ever made (not including Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Brian Williams or various Miss America contestants) I rank Cole’s at least at the whip cream level … maybe even the cherry on top. Why? Because hind sight is 20/20, my friend. That means I can sorta forgive some of these other guys for the things they said. But the Cole Choo Choo? … He had the numbers staring him in the kisser, AND was personally shelled by the Cubs a couple weeks ago, but he went ahead and spiked his tongue anyway. Morons don’t get any slack from me. Anyway, here’s my list:

“The Beatles have no future in show business.” | A Decca Records executive to Brian Epstein, the band’s manager, following an audition in 1962. “We don’t like your boys’ sound.” he continued. “Groups are out. Four-piece groups with guitars, particularly, are finished.” Can you imagine what that cost Decca? Even more than Boras is gonna be wringing outta the Nats in the Harper deal.

“Hell freezes over. The Cubs will win the World Series.” | Sports Illustrated has never picked a winner, and in the 2000’s their editors seemed especially determined to meld their curse with Chicago’s, with this 2004 prediction — the first of two covers predicting the end of the Cubs’ century-long championship drought. Thanks a lot, butt heads.

“The horse is here to stay, but the automobile is only a novelty; a fad.” | The president of the Michigan Savings Bank, in 1903, advising Henry Ford’s lawyer not to invest in the Ford Motor Company. This guy liked horses, but you wouldn’t have wanted him makin’ your Trifecta picks.

“Children just aren’t interested in witches and wizards anymore.” | Anonymous publishing executive writing to J.K Rowling in 1996. Based on this prediction, I’d say certain publishing executives were pretty interested in the want ads in 1997.

“There’s no chance that the iPhone is going to get any significant market share. No chance.” | Microsoft CEO, Steve Ballmer, in 2007. Hello, you have reached the voice mail for Steve Ballmer. I cannot take your call right now because I’m having my head examined.

“It’s gonna happen. Kosake Fukudome can end the Cubs’ 100 year wait.” | In 2008, having blown a prediction for a Cubs World Series championship 4 years earlier, Sports Illustrated did it again, based largely on a rushed overreaction to one good month by Kosake Fukudome. The good news is that they picked us to lose this year’s Series, which means we’re not only good enough to make it, we’re a lock to win it. Thank you, SI.

“Stock prices have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.” | Economist Irving Fisher in October 1929, three days before the stock market crash that triggered the Great Depression. This guy’s career was ruined over this. Now, I don’t want to wish that on Mr Cole, but I think a 5-20 season would be about the right amount of karma to dish.

“Television won’t last because people will soon get tired of staring at a plywood box every night.” | Darryl Zanuck, 20th Century Fox movie producer, in 1946. Zanuck made some pretty good movies, huge, in fact. None of them were about baseball, though. Enough said.

So, somewhere in there, I would insert Cole Train’s statement about the Cubs. Close to the top. Capitalized. Red letters. Underlined. Why? Cuz not only was it stupid, it was uttered by the same dip stick that allowed six runs (five earned) on six hits and four walks before he was yanked in the 5th the last time he took the hill against us. He’s also the loser of last year’s one-game wild-card playoff — where he was equally overpowering — generously surrendering four runs, also in five innings (thank you, Mr Cole) including a couple of yard shots to Schwarber and Fowler. Can’t wait ’til we face this alzeimer’s case again.

Joe