2016 Cubs

WHAT — ME WORRY?

· 2016 Cubs, Joe Sez · , ,

CUBS-HAVE-NOTHING-TO-WORRY-ABOUT

Holy crap! The Cubs lay a couple of goose eggs on Wednesday and you’d think the friggin’ sky was falling. Hey, Cubs fans, what the hell is wrong with you people?! Did you really think we were gonna go the entire season without losing 2 in a row? Is that realistic? I can understand that maybe … just maybe … your perspective might be a little off. After all, the Cubs are havin’ their best start in 109 years, we’ve got a run differential as wide as Bartolo Colon’s butt, and we’ve had both our offense and pitching in annihilation mode since we broke camp. It’s easy to get caught up in that, I know, but you gotta stop the Varuca Salt impersonations when every little thing doesn’t go our way. Grow the hell up.

My advice: Crack open an icy cold Old Style and try to enjoy what’s happened so far. Think about it. With just a Donald Trump-sized handful of exceptions, the Cubs have basically sucked for over a hundred years. This year? We’re good. I mean for real, we’re good. For the first 5 weeks of the season the Cubs have been the main topic of conversation on just about every sports program known to man. Why? Partly because when the Cubs win with monotonous regularity it’s pretty unusual. Partly because we’re really kicking the crap outta just about everybody, and then rubbin’ their noses in what we kicked out of ’em. We’re so good, in fact, that ESPN’s resident pinhead, Stephen A. Smith (middle name always initialed due to obscenity reasons) felt compelled to attribute Arrieta’s performance to PEDs. He just had to pin that kind of exceptional play on something … anything but the fact that we’re actually good. Too monstrous of a concept for the feeble minded.

If I’m Maddon, I’m takin’ a trip to the mound to settle you down. Try to remember that for a team that’s been defined by our ability to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, we’re doin’ pretty damn good. We lost a couple in a row … to a crappy team. Don’t jump off the Sears Tower just yet, pal. Take a deep breath, do some of that zen yoga meditation crap or somethin’ and have a little faith, baby. Did we fold when Schwarber went down? No. Have we found ways to win some close ones? Yes. Have we mostly treated opposing pitching staffs like a baby treats a diaper? Absolutely. So let’s have a little more Alfred E. Newman and a little less Chicken Little.

In the words of Nuke LaLoosh, “You win some, you lose some. Sometimes it rains.” It’s a long season, my friend. You gotta trust it.

Joe

IS THERE A NUMBER BIG ENOUGH FOR ARRIETA?

· 2016 Cubs, Joe Sez, News · , , ,

ARRIETAS-CONTRACT

I don’t know what it is … maybe I’m just a product of the 60s, when ballplayers were loyal to their teams (even if it was because the owners were as much slave owners as they were team owners). Still, when I read that Jake Arrieta — who’s havin’ by FAR the two best years of his career — is willing to walk away if the Cubs don’t offer him a minimum of $200 million and 7 years, I just wanna slap his greedy little Wall Street face.

I get it. Arrieta won the trophy last year, and he’s looking like Cy Young himself this year, while Strasburg — an inferior pitcher, if you go by the numbers — just penned a seven-year extension with the Nats for Jesus money. Plus, if you throw in the deals Price and Scherzer got (both 7-year stints for more than $200 million) then mix all that information together in the context bowl, then yeah, it sounds like Arrieta is worth what he and that bottom-feeder Boras are gonna be asking for. However, it’s totally friggin’ unreasonable in a world where garbage men are gettin’ 60-some grand a year to wade through Chicago’s trash, no matter what it’s doin’ outside. And what really rubs me raw is when I hear some of these guys, who drive Bentleys outta their 10 car garages to the ballpark, talk about how much they care about the fans. Quite frankly it insults my intelligence. Limited though it may be, I got enough gray matter up there to tell when a guy who plays a game for a living is dropping his kids off at the pool … and I’m the pool.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m grateful for everything Jake has brought to the Cubs. I admire his work ethic and his focus. And there’s no getting around the impact he’s had on this team and its win/loss record. To be fair, he also said he’d like to stay in Chicago. I appreciate that, I do. It’s the way he said it that chaps my backside. “I made it clear I like Chicago.” Arrieta said. “I think everyone knows that. If I had it my way, I’d stay here.” To which I have to ask one question: “Well, Jake, who the friggin’ hell do you think is making the decision?!” That whole “if I had it my way” line of thinking is the most condescending kinda bull shit there is. No one points a gun to a player’s head and forces ’em to put their John Hancock on the starvation wage that $130 million for 5 years would be. The player makes the decision. Period. Even if a shark like Boras — who makes his living off of the backs of people with talent — wants more.

The fact that this is even up for discussion at this point in the 2016 season, thus possibly causing an unneeded distraction, is beyond me. It’s like we already won the World Series or something, when we haven’t even been in the damn thing since the year we dropped the bomb on Japan. Wouldn’t it be better to focus on checking that item off the list first, before everyone gets their panties in a wad over the assumption that Arrieta will march through the season (80% of which has yet to be played) in the manner he’s established thus far? There’s plenty of time to contemplate the $20 beer prices and tickets so expensive you gotta have a co-signer to buy, likely required to keep the likes of Arrieta from feeling under-appreciated. If we could just concentrate on winning the division instead of being confrontational within the organization, I think that would be a better use of everyone’s time. And us poor SOBs who are scrimping and scratching to save enough to go to a game or two — you know, those fans everyone always says they care so much about — we’d appreciate it.

Joe

WHAT HAPPENS IF THE CUBS WIN THE WORLD SERIES?

· 2016 Cubs, Joe Sez · ,

If the Cubs win the Series, Chicago is gonna be pretty much as depicted in this TV spot. Only it’ll be real.

Until this year, asking that question was an indication that 1) it was 1945, 2) you were referring to your kid’s Little League team, 3) you were completely friggin’ nuts, or 4) it was before the bottom of the 8th, October 14th 2003. It’s not a question one would really ask — even on those occasions when it’s been warranted — cuz there was always a feeling way deep down inside, down where brats get processed and weird sounds emminate, that the Cubs would figure out a way to F it up. And they never failed to live up to that expectation.

If hope springs eternal, Cubs fans have perfected the art of it. We even created “wait until next year” in an attempt to throw down a gauntlet; a warning that the following season would be different. But that’s always been false hope, intended primarily to take the sting out of our yearly belly flop into the Sea of Ineptitude.

Still, we hope. And we have good reason to. When Harvard got here, and brought all that new-fangled baseball science with him from Boston, we expected something to happen. Of course, we expected something to happen when Lou was here, too, when the Tribune Company dropped $300 million on payroll, but it didn’t. Lou was like the embodiment of 100 years of pissed off Cubs fans; kicking dirt and screaming at umpires. Even though we loved that (and the umps always deserved it) that wasn’t  gonna get us to the Series. Fun to watch, but ultimately about as effective as Carlos Marmol. Epstein, on the other hand, took a crap ball club, won a couple of rings, and then brought his Ivy League ass to Chicago, arrogantly thinkin’ he could do the same thing here. Full disclosure; I wasn’t convinced until after July last year. But now … now I worship at the altar of that arrogant Ivy League ass. Maddon has had a lot to do with it, too, but Harvard was the one who brought him and all this talent here. So, hey, credit where credit is due, my friend.

Which brings me back to the original question: What happens if the Cubs win the Series? Well, first I’ll have to change my underwear. After that, I can imagine walkin’ out onto the stoop where my big Polish nose will be greeted by a preponderance ($10 word!) of barbecued billy goat in the air — a foul perfume, and yet as sweet as honey. I expect there will be a fair number of morons settin’ things on fire, as if burning cars says anything other than how stupid you are. And I think Ricketts, Harvard, Maddon and the entire team may live the rest of their natural lives without ever … EVER payin’ for another beer.

It could happen. It could happen this year, if our bull pen doesn’t start serving up meatballs, like they did last night. Even without Schwarber, we got a shot. And if we WIN? Well … Like SI said, it’s the last great American sports story yet to be told. The Red Sox have already done their thing — three times, in fact. (Greedy bastards.) We’ve had the Miracle on Ice, Bo Knows, and Don Larsen’s perfect game in the ’56 Series. And who the hell can forget Nipplegate; the “wardrobe malfunction” (yeah, sure it was) at the Superbowl?! Really, the only thing left is us winning the last game of the playoffs.

That could change Chicago forever. People might actually start expecting the Cubs to win on a regular basis, not just once every century or so. Those may be uncharted waters, pal, but I’ll take ’em over that lukewarm kiddie pool we’ve been swimmin’ in for a hundred years, any day.

Joe

GAME 31; LIKE PASSING A KIDNEY STONE.

· 2016 Cubs, Joe Sez · , ,

KIDNEY-STONE-BULL-PEN

Tonight’s game against the Friars was like a trip down memory lane, only this lane was more like a dark alley smack dab in the middle of Fallujah. I don’t know why, but the bull pen decided it would be a hoot to reenact one of its performances from 2012. Now, I would try to do the duck thing and just let this roll off my back, but I’ve been a Cubs fan way too long for that. I remember trading Maddux, I remember Bartman pretending to play left field, I remember getting broomed in the first round of the playoffs after winning 97 in the regular season. So nothin’ is rolling off my weary, old, hairy back, my friend.

You have to take this stuff seriously. Especially if you’re Maddon. In fact, I’d like to see him channel a little Lee Elia … and like right friggin’ now. I mean, Joe had an awesome first season, right? Better than anyone, including management, expected. So I’m not sure he’s 100% dialed in on the historical voo doo that swirls around the club like the winds in Wrigley. If Joe doesn’t bring a little Old Testament, wrath-of-God kinda whoopass down on the bull pen for that performance tonight, and just laughs it off, that’ll just invite complacency. You get enough of that and pretty soon there’ll be no joy in Mudville, pal.

And I don’t think this is an alarmist position. Yeah, the Cubs are just the 4th team to win at least 25 of their first 31 games in the last 70 seasons. No question that’s awesome. And those other 3 teams … they all won the World Series. I’m sure Vegas likes those kinds of statistics. But Wrigley is not Vegas, bat racks, cuz as our bull pen proved tonight, what happens in Wrigley definitely does not stay in Wrigley. Warren served up a moon shot that NASA woulda been proud of. And, what made it worse was the colossal turd Grimm laid on the mound beforehand, makin’ the dinger all that much worse. That’s text book Chicago Cubs bull pen crap which, thankfully, we haven’t seen much of this season. I don’t think Maddon oughta allow a single moment of that go by without using all of the kings english, and at a pretty high decibel level. Don’t get me wrong … we’re damn good this year, and I think it’s gonna continue. My problem is that in spite of that — in spite of the amazing start and our carpet-bombing offense and our cannon-armed pitching staff — a measly 20% of the season is in the rear view mirror, pallie. A lot can happen on the road to the post season. Even during the post season. Hell, ask the 2004 Yankees.

Did we win tonight? Yeah. Was it fun to watch? Until the 8th when the pen decided to remind me what it’s like to pass a kidney stone. I’ve already done that twice. Enough already.

Joe

GET THE DUSTPAN. THE CUBS ARE IN TOWN.

· 2016 Cubs, Joe Sez ·

CUBS-SWEEP-AGAIN

The Cubs and Padres have been postponed, so let’s talk about brooms.

This sweep thing the Cubs have going is getting monotonous. First it was the Reds, then the Brew Crew, followed by the Pirates. And yesterday it was the Nats — the mighty Bryce Harper Nationals. Each and every one of ’em broomed by the Cubs. Yeah, yeah … there were a couple of rain outs in there. Still, I’m thinkin’ Ricketts oughta consider hiring a witch to fly over Wrigley and skywrite “Surrender (team name here)” during the last game of a home stand. It’d make for an awesome promotion, and would be fantastic optics for Hillary Clinton. Hold your water there, snowflake. Before you Hillary lovers get all micro-aggressioned and try to have me water-boarded, I’ll also point out, while we’re skippin’ down the yellow brick road, that the other candidate is in desperate need of a brain. There … Is everyone sufficiently triggered?

I digress.

The ‘sweep’ thing sounds a little cocky, I know. Especially since it’s so early. We’re also Schwarberless, Montero is injured, and Bryant and Heyward are not 100%. Still, there’s definitely something in the water this year; some kinda special sauce or magic dust … or spinach maybe. Something that’s turned the Cubs into the baseball version of the Avengers. By the way, spinach flavored water? … Bleeeaaaaaacccckkkkk! Whatever it is, though, this has been one of the best 5 week stretches of my 55 years. There was that incredible thing with the missus and that medication snafu, but other than that, this is tops.

Anyway, enjoy it. I am.

Joe