Joe Sez

THE BIBLE, STAR WARS, AC/DC AND THE CUBS. NOT NECESSARILY IN THAT ORDER.

· 2016 Cubs, Joe Sez ·

BEST-STARTS

I’m a really superstitious guy. I don’t walk under ladders, if I see a black cat I turn and go the other way, and I never ever change my underwear in the middle of a winning streak. (Already been a little crispy a few times this year.) Because of this, I normally wouldn’t want to tempt the curse of the goat by talkin’ about the start the Cubs have pounded out this season. But I’ve sat back in the Barcalounger as long as I can, pal, so — Schwarberless and all — I gotta point out the obvious fact that the Cubs are the friggin’ class of the sport of baseball this year. (Which is the real Sport of Kings, not horse racing, like most people think.)

And although we got a taste of our own medicine yesterday by lettin’ Cincinnati lay a little of the old Red Machine on us, today we hung another 9-spot on ’em, taking the last game of the series, makin’ it 6 outta 7 against them so far. That means our 14-5 record is the best of any team in baseball. Thee best. The top. The Mona Lisa, baby. It’s also one of the best starts in the long, agonizing and painful history of the Cubs. Anyway, it got me wondering what other kinda great starts there have been — ones that are worthy of being on the list with the 2016 Chicago Cubs. Alright, here’s what I got:

Best start to a book:

My first instinct is to go with, “In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep.” If you’re not familiar with that one, you must be a White Sox fan.

Up for consideration would also be, “Call me Ishmael.” When Melville wrote Moby-Dick baseball hadn’t been invented yet, but that 3-word opening is both quick and memorable; exactly like any game Arrieta throws. Spooky.

Then there’s Dickens. A Tale of Two Cities opens with, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.” If that isn’t the most accurate distillation of what it’s like to be a Cubs fan, I don’t know what is. my friend.

Best start to a movie:

“A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away …” I don’t think you can top that for a non-baseball movie.

But really, what’s better than Annie Savoy’s monologue in Bull Durham? “I believe in the church of baseball. I’ve tried all the major religions and most of the minor ones. I’ve worshipped Buddha, Allah, Brahma, Vishnu, Shiva, trees, mushrooms, and Isadora Duncan. I know things. For instance, there’s one hundred and eight beads in a Catholic rosary and there’s one hundred and eight stitches in a baseball. When I learned that, I gave Jesus a chance.” Seriously … it’s spiritual and it’s about baseball. Perfect.

I gotta throw in “Casino Royale”, too. Not the bozo one from 1967; the one with Daniel Craig and that human loli-pop, Eva Green. That opening … where we see how Bond gets his license to kill, is awesome. But they easily coulda just shot 5 minutes of Eva Green sittin’ in a gunny sack and it woulda been hands down the best opening of any movie. Ever. Period. Woulda melted a lot of projectors, though.

Best start to a song:

This is a tough one because there are so many songs with killer openings. My count is 24, but I trimmed the roster to my best 5 starters for this. As much as I worship at the altar of Eddy Van Halen, I gotta put AC/DC on top of the sheet music with Back in Black. That’s the musical version of DiMaggio’s 56 game hitting streak; ain’t nobody gonna top it.

After that I put Eruption, then Beautiful Girls, both by Van Halen. I consider them 1 song, with the former being the long intro into the latter.

Guns ‘n’ Roses’ live version of Welcome to the Jungle is totally electrifying, and it would contend with Back in Black if my rules allowed the music video as part of the deal. But, in my mind, that would be like havin’ a Designated Hitter, and you know how I feel about that. So … 3rd place.

Led Zeppelin had 4 songs in my top 24. I’d guess most people would go straight to Stairway to Heaven as Zeppelin’s No. 1 but, to me, the killer opening belongs to Good Times Bad Times. It gets added votes, too, because of the fact that the title is the perfect description of what it’s been like to be a Cubs fan. Can’t say that about Stairway to Heaven, but I expect I’ll be able to after the World Series this year.

You gotta put School by Supertramp in there somewhere. A classic, at number 5. And, again, the title reminds me of exactly where we’ve been taken the rest of baseball this year.

I’m leaving off The Doors, Buddy Guy, The Stones, Cream, Elton John, Pink Floyd, The Pretenders, Stevie Ray Vaughan, The Who, Steely Dan, The Romantics, ZZ Top and Rare Earth. But everybody’s gotta trim the roster eventually.

Best start to a chess match:

I know as much about chess as the Atlanta Braves know about baseball, but experts will tell you that the Ruy Lopez, or Yugoslav Attack, or Sicilian defense (whatever any of those are) are some of the best. Me? I gotta go with the Stonewall Attack. Of course I picked it cuz I like the way it sounds, which is kinda like pickin’ a ball club cuz the shortstop is cute (a girl thing). But, like I said, I don’t know jack about chess.

Anyway, that’s what I got; a bunch of amazing starts that are worthy of being mentioned along with the 2016 Cubs. And for any of you who think I just jinxed us, you can bite me.

Joe

CHICAGO 46, CINCINNATI 7.

· 2016 Cubs, Joe Sez · ,

CHICAGO-46-CINCINATTI-7

What is this, football season already?! Kinda sounds like it when you’re playin’ Cincinnati.

To clarify, so far this season, Chicago has outscored Cincinnati 46-7. Ouch! If this was September you might think I was talkin’ about the Bears and Bengals (except for the fact that baseball kick’s football’s ass, and I’d rather get a colonoscopy from Dr Jack Hammer than talk about football). Nope. It’s the Cubs and Reds, pal, and in football parlance we’re barely into the 2nd quarter with these guys.

At the current pace, the Cubs are gonna run up 156 runs over the course of our 17 meetings with Cinci this year. I know a lot of you are thinkin’ that we can’t sustain that pace. But I say, if the Warriors could damn near run the table this year, then why not the Cubs? Yeah, they have Stephen Curry … But we got Arrieta, Lackey, Bryant, Rizzo … hell, I could sooooo go on. And look at their history; a very Cubs-like futility on a basketball court. Plus, we’ve got the law of averages on our side; we’re due. Past due. Way, way, way past due.

And as far as football goes, they have cheerleaders, we don’t. That’s the one thing I have to tip the Joe lid to, and is the second thing I think (Hey, Womanfred, are you listening?!) the Commissioner could do to improve the game. The first thing would be to get rid of that sissy Designated Hitter crutch. Have you seen Arrieta hit?! Case closed, pal.

Joe

HEY CINCINNATI, DID YOU GET A WHIFF OF THAT CHEESE? WAS IT SWISS, JACK OR ARRIETA?

· 2016 Cubs, Joe Sez, News · , , ,

ARRIETA-NO-HITTER-APRIL-2016

As noisy as the Cubs bats were tonight — and it was like a friggin’ Linkin Park concert on steroids — they couldn’t quite drown out the silence of Cincinnati’s, who failed to produce a single base hit (not a little squib, not a dying quail, nothin’) against the super-hero arm of Jake Arrieta. You’ve heard of the zone? Well, wherever the hell that is, Jake’s smack dab in the dead center of it.

To be honest, I felt a little sorry for Cincinnati tonight. I mean, not sorry enough to feel bad; sorry in a way that I wanted to spare them the embarrassment of stepping into the batters box against this guy right now. Plus, it was just a colossal waste of time. It woulda been easier for everyone if, instead of stepping into the batters box, they just penciled in a strike out, or weak ground ball or pop out in the score book and then headed back out on the field. (Probably would have made Rob Manfred, MLB’s official time-keeper, happy.)

Likewise, instead of pitching to the Cubs tonight, it woulda been easier if Finnegan had just turned around and thrown the ball into the gap, or over the fence or something. 16 runs on 18 hits. In tennis that would be called “abuse of ball.” Love it.

I feel like I oughta be drooling over the offensive production more, and normally I would. But holy crap!, Arrieta has 2 no-no’s in his last 11 regular season starts. And … AND … the Reds haven’t been no-hit in the regular season since 1971, which I’d guess is long before most of you were born. That’s 7,110 games.

And tomorrow, we get to play these guys again.

Joe

REDS VS. CUBS: 4 DAYS IN APRIL.

· 2016 Cubs, Joe Sez · , , ,

1888-CINCINNATI-REDS

Off to Cincinnati today for 4 days of fun with the Red Stockings. This is a club — not unlike the Cubs — with a long, colorful past; one full of intrigue, deception, and moronic moves that rival anything the Cubs have been able to pull off during the longest championship drought in professional sports history. Still, the average guy on the street can’t tell you much about the Reds. Yeah, everybody knows about Pete Rose, but Reds knowledge basically starts and ends with his whining buttocks gettin’ broomed from the game, with some Big Red Machine thrown in for good measure. On the other hand, the same guy who flunks Reds 101 can recite in painful detail incidents like Bartman, and the black cat, and the billy goat, and Lee Elia’s meltdown, and tradin’ Greg Maddux, and a bunch of other things that have helped define the Cubs as the door mat of the National League over the past century.

So, to brighten my day, and maybe make you feel like we’re on an even playing field — historically speaking — I thought we’d have a little Red Stockings history lesson.

1) A charter member of the National League, Cincinnati was booted after only 4 years. When I found that out it made me warm and tingly all over. Until I found out why. They were selling beer in the stands! That was a deal-breaker for the league president so out the door they went. Can you imagine that happening today?! I mean, for a lot of people, beer is what makes baseball fun to watch.

2) They went bankrupt right after that: A theme that’s hung around Cincinnati like the mold growing in the corners of the clubhouse, and has reared its bigoted, cheating head in the forms of the morally bankrupt Marge Schott and Pete Rose.

3) Nobody wanted them after that, so the Bankrupt Machine formed a new league by sending a deceptive telegram to some of the other owners who’d previously been invited to a meeting for this very purpose, but had declined. The telegram to each stated that he was the only jaggoff who didn’t attend that first square dance, and that the other owners were enthusiastic about the new venture. The lie worked, and the American Association was officially formed with the new Reds a charter member. This adds fraud to bankruptcy. Nice.

4) Only 9 years later, the Reds bolted the American Association to rejoin the National League. Not a big deal, right? Wrong. The reason the National League was happy to have them back (along with the Brooklyn Bridegrooms — perhaps the stupidest name in the history of sports) was in part due to the formation of the Player’s League. This new league was an early failed attempt to break the reserve clause in baseball and, as such, threatened the status quo. So, the Reds made a decision that helped maintain the slave-like conditions of professional baseball for another 85 years. Thanks. Nice move.

5) The mediocre Reds didn’t do much for most of the next 30 years, but in 1919 the won the National League pennant, then won the world championship in eight games over the Chicago White Sox. Of course, that was the Black Sox White Sox, which totally calls into question whether the Reds would have won that Series had it not been thrown. Not likely. (Side note: This is one of the main reasons to despise the Sox by the way.) Anyway, it was a tainted victory.

6) By 1931, the Great Depression was in full swing and the Reds were bankrupt. Again.

7) When Crosley bought the team, things finally started to turn around for the Reds. Hey, maybe they could go for awhile without going bankrupt again. Yep, and they won the pennant in ’39. While they werebusy patting themselves on the back, though, they had their asses handed to them by the Yankees. They did repeat as NL Champs the next year and narrowly got by Detroit for the Series Championship.

8) Nothing much good happened after that for some time. And, in fact, fearing their traditional club nickname would associate them with Communism, the Reds officially changed it to the “Cincinnati Redlegs” in 1953. I guess I can understand that thinking, given the times and all, but if Horneytown, North Carolina, Hookersville, West Virginia and Hell, Michigan can go through life without worryin’ what people think, why couldn’t the Reds?

9) On par with the Cubs trading Maddux after his first Cy Young award, was the trade that is largely regarded as the most lopsided in baseball history. In 1965, Cincinnati sent former Most Valuable Player Frank Robinson to the Baltimore Orioles for pitchers Milt Pappas and Jack Baldschun, and outfielder Dick Simpson. Robinson went on to win the 1966 MVP and triple crown in the American league, and lead Baltimore to its first ever World Series title in a sweep of the Dodgers. That pretty much killed the Reds until the rise of the “Big Red Machine.”

10) Sparky Anderson was pretty much the architect of that movement. And I totally admit, the Reds of the 70s were friggin’ great. And the ’75 Series against the Red Sox was monstrous. But … the best part was Carlton Fisk’s yard shot off the foul pole in game 6. It didn’t win the Championship, but it’s gotta be one of the greatest moments in sports history, and it happened at the expense of the Reds.

11) Along in there you have the human freight train, Pete Rose, betting on his own ball games and getting banned from the sport for life, and Marge Schott — the chain-smoking, bigoted, St. Bernard-towing owner with such an unfiltered mouth that she was forced to give up her team by Major League Baseball. Quite a classy pair.

12) More recently, I think Junior (Griffey) was a bright spot, along with Lou and Dusty as managers, cuz they also both managed in Chicago. In fact, under Lou in 1999, the Reds lead the league wire-to-wire and swept the heavily favored A’s in the Series. As a result, though, it was perhaps the most boring World Series ever.

13) I think we’ll end here, on lucky 13, where I’d like to draw your attention to the fact that the Reds finished with the second worst record in the league last year. A feat they topped by also trading flame-throwing Aroldis Chapman to the New York Yankees.

I’d say we look pretty friggin’ good compared to the Reds, history and all. And I say after the next 4 games we’ll be lookin’ even better.

Joe

HOW NOT TO EXECUTE THE HIT AND RUN.

· Joe Sez, News ·

LITTLE-LEAGUE-COACHES-FIGHTING

Normally I would just let this slide past me, since it seems to be a relatively frequent occurrence these days … kinda like how I don’t pay attention to whatever idiotic thing just came outta The Donald. But one of these teams was the Cubs, so I gotta put in my 2 cents. And that’s this:

The utter stupidity of some Little League coaches (and some Little League parents, for that matter) never ceases to make me wanna secede from the human race. I’ve been around baseball since I was in diapers, so I’ve seen my share of this kinda thing. Like I said, it’s not that uncommon. What’s uncanny, though, is that every damn time — at least it seems like it — the eunuchs involved are the sorta loud-mouthed know-it-alls that have as much useful knowledge about baseball as I do about string theory and particle physics. I money-back guarantee you that’s the case here.

What I DO know, is that when morons like this decide to swing their dicks at each other they’re making a big mistake, if for no other reason than the decision itself means they have no dicks. What’s worse (for everyone except their wives or girlfriends … obvioiusly) is what their actions are teaching the kids — the ball players who are there just trying to learn the game and have some fun. What do they learn from this? The pick off play? The double steal? The drag bunt? No, no and no. Do they think “Wow, Mr So-en-so is just like Lou used to be. He must be a like a really great coach.” No, they don’t. They wonder why the hell these two MMA wannabes are ruining their game. And the sons — there are always sons — of these honyocks (look it up) are living in a nightmare. Not only are they so royally embarrassed that they wanna run and hide in the clubhouse (except there isn’t one in Little League), they also have to live with these guys, and their expectations, and their lack of control. I’m sure it makes for a happy childhood.

I’d like to see these colossal a-holes suffer the wrath that Bartman got; to not be able to show their faces in public; to be scorned by all who know them, and everyone else for that matter. And I sure as hell don’t think they should be coaching anyone. Least of all young, impressionable kids. #banemfromthegame

Joe