Joe Sez

TRY NOT TO SUCK. THAT MEANS YOU, CARDINALS.

· Joe Sez, News · , , ,

MADDON-TRY-NOT-TO-SUCK-SHIRT

I find it mildly ironic that the candy-assed St Louis Cardinal organization has banned Joe Maddon’s “Try Not to Suck” t-shirts from their ball park. Cardinals spokesman Ron Watermon said the word “sucks” is on a list of curse words forbidden to appear on clothing in … get this … “Busch” Stadium.

That’s right. “Busch.”

I think you know where I could take that, my friend, but I’m not as petty as Mr Watermon or whoever came up with their list. The word “suck” happens to be part of everyday language in America. It’s part of the jargon. So, Mr Watermon, while you’re un-wadding your delicate little panties, you should know that it doesn’t take on any meaning beyond “you’re no good at something” unless you have a sewer for a mind, or you also define what’s being sucked.

Hey, Watermon … I got a definition for ya.

I’d like to point out that Joe’s t-shirt 1) benefits a charity and 2) was nothing more than a motivational line uttered by Maddon when he called up Baez last year. That’s it. No filth, no crass, no micro-aggression thrown in the direction of the friggin’ Cardinals. I thought baseball men were supposed to be tough and gritty. Apparently not so much in St Louis. Oh, and before I drop the subject of what’s offensive and what isn’t, I think we should ask what’s worse: a t-shirt that says “Try Not to Suck” that raises money for Respect 90, Maddon’s charity that supports athletics for inner-city Chicago kids, or Busch Stadium, named for a company that produces just under half of all the beer sold in the United States. Now I could extrapolate some numbers on that for drunk drivers, alcoholism, obesity, lost productivity and generally asinine behavior, but that would take years and cost hundreds of lives. I think you get my point.

Did I mention that Budweiser tastes like crap? It does.

So, while Jason Heyward is pelted with racial slurs by the classy fans in Busch Stadium (asinine behavior, as previously mentioned, possibly induced by the swill that is Budweiser), the precious little ballerinas in the Cards’ front office are making sure no one is offended by a harmless blue t-shirt. (Also comes in red, and green; the color of envy, which is what the friggin’ Cardinals are feeling this year for the Cubbies.) Pathetic.

Joe

GAME 13: 5 RUNS FOR THE CUBS, 9 ZEROS FOR THE CARDS.

· 2016 Cubs, Joe Sez · ,

Need I say more?

Joe

AT&T SUCKS. IT’S A STUPID NAME FOR A BALL PARK, TOO.

· Joe Sez · ,

AT&T BALL PARK

Hey there, ring tones. I had to go to San Francisco the other day, which was pretty much a series of kidney stone moments for me, only with extra large, economy-size beach balls instead of those little tiny rock doo-dads. It was a lot like being in Road Warrior, if you know what I mean. I’ll spare you the play-by-play, except for the biggest get-me-the-hell-outta-here moment, which was me trying to talk to a live human at AT&T. Not the ball park, the phone company.

I bring this up for one reason: to help put the frustrations of being a Cubs fan into perspective. It looks a whole lot different for the Cubs this year, I grant you that. But let’s just say something weird happens, like the even numbered year thing the Giants got going, or Obama does one of his executive orders mandating the White Sox as World Series champs. (Technically, I guess that wouldn’t be considered weird for the guy.) So the curse continues, right? Well I’ll tell you one thing, pal, that damn curse is nothing compared to working your way through that friggin’ pain-in-the-ass AT&T computer voice thingy.

I’d rather be forced to hold hands with A-Rod, and watch a 24-hour loop of the Bartman play, and do it wearing a Cardinals jersey while sittin’ next to that obnoxious San Diego Chicken (last name always omitted for obscenity reasons) than trying to get a pulse on the line at AT&T. And isn’t that their friggin’ business?! Hey, AT&T! You’re a phone company! You’re supposed to answer the damn phone! I had to do it twice, too. TWICE! Cuz the first time, when I was finally told I was being connected to a live person, I got cut off. But not before the 5 minutes of ‘dead’ sound where you think you got cut off but you stay on the line just in case that’s how their phones sound when you’re on hold. So I waited. Stupidly. This is AT&T’s way of not having to deal with you. They’re trying to frustrate you so you’ll go away. At least the Cubs have never done it on purpose. I don’t think. Maybe Soriano and Marmol when they were around. But the rest of the guys? No way.

So as you can imagine, I can’t stand AT&T, or stuff they put their name on … or teams that play in stuff they put their name on. Anyway, since the Giants play half their games at AT&T Park, I’m hoping this incompetence thing that AT&T has going for it makes like the Zika virus and infects the whole team. Except for Posey. Gotta cut a guy with that name some slack. Besides … it ain’t over until we say it’s over, pal. I mean, was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?!

Joe

RULE 1.07: A REMINDER.

· Ballpark Food, Joe Sez · ,

 

Dirty Harry Callahan was from San Francisco, not Chicago, which means that he was probably rooting for the wrong team. I cut him a wide birth on that one, though, cuz in those days the Giants had Juan Marichal, Gaylord Perry, Bobby Bonds and both Willies (Mays and McCovey). Sheesh … I mean how could you not root for that lineup? Anyway, Callahan may have been from that fogged-in, hippie-infested (it was the 70s, pal), crime-ridden city, but knew EXACTLY how to eat a hot dog: No friggin’ catchup!

I bring this up because some of you — and you know who you are — obviously were not paying attention to the Cheap Seats dining rules I posted a couple of days ago. Hey … you can do what you want, pal, but if Charlie Trotter was still around and saw you smothering an encased meat product with catchup, he send you to the moon, Alice.

Joe

THE CUBS ARE 8-1. WHERE IS ESPN?

· 2016 Cubs, Joe Sez · ,

NO-ESPN-MAG-APRIL-2016

Let me start by saying that I love ESPN. I’ve been an addict since way back, back, back, back, back when Chris Berman could still see his toes. Since before ESPN 2 and ESPN 3 and Deportes. Since before Michael Wilbon and Tony Kornheiser started yelling at each other, and before Keith Olbermann became such a ginormous a-hole. My first words were “DaDaDa. DaDaDa.”

However…

I was pickin’ up an ice cold sixer of Old Style today, and while scanning the mags at the check out line (Hey, did you know the bitter marriage between Barack Obama and his wife Michelle continues to fall apart in the wake of the president’s womanizing?) when ESPN The Magazine’s cover grabbed my disbelieving eyeballs like a Fabricio Werdum guillotine.

There’s football on the cover! FOOTBALL!

I got a Prince Fielder sized problem with that, pal. First, there is the obvious fact that baseball kicks football’s ass. Second, it ain’t football season. It’s baseball season and hockey season and basketball season, but not football season. Third, and by far the one that’s stuck the furthest into the nether regions of my craw (whatever that is), is that the one team in sports history — not just baseball, but all sports — that has had the biggest, longest, ugliest, most painful dry spell known to man — the friggin’ Chicago Cubs — are on an 8-1 tear; one of the best starts in franchise history. They’re averaging over seven runs a game. Yeah, you read that right. And…AND…according to the Elias Sports Bureau, only two teams in the modern era have had a better run differential than the Cubs through nine games — the 1905 Giants and 1999 Indians. Both were plus-44. The Cubs are plus-43 through nine. And this doesn’t warrant an ESPN The Magazine cover? Really?

I realize it’s a long season, and we’re only heading into the third week. A lot can happen, I know. But it’s been a lot of nothing happening for over a hundred years, for the Cubs. So how is it that when the perennial door mat of the National League comes outta the gate like the friggin’ Tasmanian Devil, we get no nod from ESPN? You call that journalism? I call it pinheadism, my friend. I don’t give a crap that the NFL draft is around the corner. It happens every stinkin’ year. Like clock work. The Cubs going 8-1 outta the first 9? That hasn’t happened since Neil Armstrong made footprints on the moon. You wanna see a giant leap for mankind? Wait and see what happens if my Cubbies win the Series, my friend.

Hey, ESPN The Magazine…Bite me.

Joe