News

A LESSON IN RESPECT FOR BRYCE HARPER.

· Joe Sez, News · ,

GOOSE-GOSSAGE

Wow. If I didn’t know that I’m waaaaaaaaaaaay better looking than Goose “f–king” Gossage, I’d think this was ME spewing all the venom in this article. Or maybe Donald Trump.

Honestly (and is there any other way to be?) I’ve gotta agree with the Goose on some of this stuff. Baseball is turning into some sort of namby-pamby, cotton candy sucking stage for guys who act like hitting a home run (read: doing their job) is the same as curing cancer. I can’t imagine what my boss would do if I stood back and admired every package of hot links I loaded on a palette. Well, actually, I can. He’d fire my bat-flipping ass. Anyway, Goose is right; MLB is trying to morph baseball into football (or an equally wimpy facsimile thereof). I mean we’ve got a clock, we’ve got new rules for sliding at 2nd … Won’t be long before runners get to advance one base cuz “Hey, I don’t like the way that pitcher looked at me!” Friggin’ pathetic.

That’s not what’s chapping my backside, though. What’s rubbing me like the matted fur on a mangy dog is Bryce Harper’s take on “the excitement of the young guys who are coming into the game.” Harper tries to make the point that baseball used to be boring (wrong!) but guys like Matt Harvey, Manny Machado, Joc Pederson, McCutchen and Puig are bring ‘flair’ to the game. Ok, first of all, two of those guys are Mets. That’s a problem already. (To channel the Goose for a moment here, what is a f–king Met, anyway?) Second, is there a single Cubs player on Harper’s list? Does he mention Bryant or Fowler? How about Rizzo? What about Jorge Solar? And what the F about Kyle “My Real Name Is Babe Ruth” Schwarber?! I mean seriously?!

This just goes to show that, in general, morons should just keep their mouths shut and, in this particular case, play ball for the Nationals.

Joe

THE FULL JOE’S BLEACHERS WEBSITE: COMING SOON TO A DEVICE NEAR YOU.

· News ·

JOE SCHLOMBOWSKI AS TRUMP

Hey there, filibusters, Joe Schlombowski, here. In my best Donald Trump voice, I want to tell you that the new Joe’s Bleachers website is gonna be great. It’s gonna be fantastic. It’s gonna be really, really great. Believe me. No one will have a website like Joe’s Bleachers and everybody is going to love it. It’s gonna be one of a kind and totally unique. I mean it’s going to be amazing.

Only the blog is up and running now, but the rest of the site is under construction. I’ve hired the best digital people in America, the best money can buy, and believe me no one is even in their league, they’re so good. I’ll let you know when the site is ready, which will be very soon. As soon as we think it’s ready … ready for you and the rest of the American people. And especially Cubs fans, who are the BEST fans in baseball. In ANY sport, they’re the best. Nobody has better fans. And they deserve the best, which is why I’m having my people (who are also the best, by the way) build it for me. It’s going to be great. There won’t be anything like it in Chicago, or even in the world, believe me.

So take a knee, sports pundits, cuz the rest of the site will be ready in almost no time. And when it is — I think by the All Star break … my people are looking into it … but soon — you’re gonna love it. I love it, and believe me I know what I’m talking about.

Joe

ROGER EBERT AND THE BAD NEWS CUBS.

· 2013 Cubs, Joe Sez, News ·

ROGER-EBERT-DIES

Roger Ebert, perhaps the best movie critic EVER, died today. A moment of silence, please.

Thanks.

I was thinking that there are some parallels between watching movies for a living (like Mr Ebert did) and being a die hard Cubs fan (like you and me). I mean when you’re being paid to critique movies, you pretty much gotta see the credits roll in every piece of crap Hollywood dishes. And I mean crap with a capital K, pal. How ’bout Hansel and Gretel, or Oz the Great and Powerful? And lemme tell ya, if anyone knew the difference between a good movie and a turd, it was Ebert. How he could sit through stuff like that, I’ll never know. And maybe he couldn’t. There’s a rumor going around that he died from complications resulting from watching A Good Day to Die Hard, perhaps the worst 97 minutes excreted by Hollywood in the last 10 years. And I’m a Bruce Willis fan, for Crissakes!

I’m just saying that having to watch movies all the time, when most of them suck, is a whole lot like watching Cubs baseball games, when most of THEM suck, too. I mean how different is it? You pay waaaaaaay too much to get in, you munch on stuff that’s not good for you (but is deeeeeelicious), and you already know how it’s gonna end within the first 20 minutes.

I figure Mr Ebert loved the movies more than just about anything. Ditto, me and the Cubs. That’s why, no matter how bad the performances are (yeah, Marmol, I’m talking about YOU!) I just can’t get up and leave before the last out.

Anyway, you know how Hollywood is always making movies about baseball? Well, I’m thinking the Cubs could learn something from that … maybe make a few baseball games like the movies:

1. The Surprise Ending: Imagine Marmol taking the mound in the 9th and actually closing the game out without sending us all home with mild coronaries. Shocker.

2. Best Actor: The Cubs portray a Major League baseball team, instead of that t-ball crap they’ve been serving up during the longest running losing streak in sports.

3. Special Effects: Epstein works some of that magic he used in Boston on the Cubs. Not sure what he’s waiting for, but now would be as good a time as any, Theo.

4. The Thriller: One in which we actually WIN.

It would be good to note here that, as far as genres go, we don’t need any more Comedy, Horror, Adventure, or Crime. Same goes for Drama (we had waaaaaaay too much of that when Zambrano was here) and Disaster (Milton Bradley ring a bell)?

What we could use would be a little more Action. Maybe some Fantasy. Ideally, a two-thumbs-up Epic that ends in the Cubs winning the Series. Preferably over the White Sox. In a sweep. With the smallest margin of victory somewhere in the teens.

Anyway, thank you Roger Ebert for showing us how to stick it out for The Bad News Cubs. Say “hello” to Harry.

Joe

MARK MCGWIRE COMES CLEAN? WE’RE GONNA NEED A LOT MORE SOAP.

· Joe Sez, News · , ,

MARK-MCGWIRE-COSTAS-INTERVIEW

I got one friggin’ question for Mark McGwire … if performance-enhancing drugs don’t enhance your performance, bat rack, then why are they called ‘performance-enhancing drugs’?

I’d say the guy is smokin’ crack, but crack probably doesn’t have an any effect on him.

Whoever or whatever is controlling Big Mac — perhaps aliens, or maybe a wizard or Barry Bonds — has convinced him that he, Mark McGwire, is the only human on the planet that is immune to the effects of anabolic steroids. His physiology is different than the rest of us. He is a species of one.

Apparently this major piece of beefcake doesn’t think steroids had one iota of influence on his home run production; says the good Lord gave him the strength to be a home run hitter. Too friggin’ bad he didn’t give him enough strength to tell the truth. I’ll tell you what, pallie … you wanna see an enhanced performance? Watch the Costas interview. McGwire could get a guest shot on Inside the Actor’s Studio based on that. He’s got the quivering lip. He’s got the cracking voice. For a minute there I thought I was watching Vivien Leigh in Gone With the Wind. Criminy. Get me a tissue, Tito.

So I guess, according to the special sauce inside Big Mac’s head, the Olympic Committee ought to rescind their ban on performance-enhancing drugs. Right?

Joe

GIANTS SHOULD HIRE CHEECH AND CHONG.

· Joe Sez, News · , ,

TIM-LINCECUM-STONER

Hey there snowballs, Joe Schlombowski here, with another “general manager” off season tip.

So, I’m thinking the Giants oughta sign Cheech & Chong. I mean, if an itty-bitty bag of weed can turn Lincecum into a Nolan Ryan/Louis Tiant hybrid … imagine, just imagine what those two could do. Friggin’ lights out, that’s what.

Besides, I think half the San Francisco population has a prescription for medical marijuana, so it’s a natural fit. And think of the cross promotion possibilities with fast food joints. You could have Munchies Night, or Jack in the Bong Night … stuff like that. I’m tellin’ you that ballpark would be packed. Nobody would care about the outcome, but it would be packed.

Anyway, that’s my tip for you, Brian Sabean.

You’re welcome, pal.

Joe