News

CUBS FILE FOR CHAPTER 11. IT’S ABOUT TIME.

· 2010 Cubs, Joe Sez, News · ,

So, the Cubs filed for Chapter 11. Kinda poetic, don’t ya think? But it’s like Dr. Seuss poetic, not Robert Frost or Robert Service or Shakespeare poetic. Although, this season was a comedy of errors. (Uh, for you White Sox fans … that was one of Shakespeare’s plays.)

Anyway, it just seems fitting that the most pathetic baseball team in the history of history is declaring bankruptcy. I know, I know, it’s just a technicality that will let the Ricketts family take over the club. It’s not like they’re breakin’ up the team and selling off the jock straps. Although, I think I can get maybe two or three hundred thousand people who would agree that may not be such a bad idea.

One thing’s for sure, the Monopoly Guy has got to go. In fact, he oughta go directly to jail without passing Go, and without collecting $7,000,000. That’s right, sports fans, Wiltin’ Milton took home a seven with six zeros after it. And you know what we got for that? A .257 average, a whopping 12 dingers, and the attitude of an abused rottweiler. And who does he blame this on? Us; the fans; Chicago; the best fans and the best city in the world.

Hey, Mr Anger Management, why don’t you just bite me! You ain’t good enough to wear a Cubs uniform. Hell, you ain’t good enough to wear a McDonald’s uniform! (Those guys have to make change, which means they gotta count higher than 2.) I never heard of somebody being sent home early, but if it was cuz you were hurting the team, like Hendry said, you can count your lucky stars that it didn’t happen sooner, pal. (That is, if there are less than three of them.) I mean it’s not like your bat and glove did us any favors. In fact I’ve seen nicer swings in Cabrini-Green! And I don’t give a crispy crap what the Player’s Association says, I think you gotta know how to count to three if you’re gonna play ball at the Major League level. Of course, you weren’t really playing, you were just out there blaming the grass for being green. So I’m sure you’ll sucker some team into giving you a job next season. We’ll know who it is when the truck full of egg shells pulls up to their locker room. Take a hike, pallie.

Sorry. That last paragraph was intended just for the Milt Shake. I gotta go brat-itate, now. That’s where I sit in a dark room and think about eating 3 or 4 brats with the works. Always calms me down.

Ok, I’m back. You should see the calm on my face. I look like I’ve been hypnotized by Kreskin. Anyway, part of me thinks Hendry oughta be on the Monopoly Guy’s bus for making that deal in the first place. Gotta hand it to him, though, for sending the bum home early. It’s like the Major League version of having to stand in the corner during class. Thumbs up on that one, Jimbo.

So what I think is that the Cubs should take this opportunity and sorta Chapter 11 the roster; do a little restructuring, especially with the Ricketts taking over. You know, clean slate and all. To me, that means a closer that does fine at Wrigley, but couldn’t close an umbrella on the road … oughta hit the road. In my most fluent Fukudomese, I say sayonara, Gregg. I’d say sayonara Soriano too, but we’re stuck with that friggin’ contract. Actually, I say it all the time just cuz I like the way it rolls off the tongue.

I could go on, but what’s the point? It’s not like what I think matters a hoot. But, my fellow bleacher bums, you might as well be prepared to make the new drought number “102,” cuz unless a handful of over-paid, under-performing Cubs are replaced (yeah, right after hell freezes) or they somehow turn themselves into Albert Pujols over the winter (sure, and monkeys are gonna fly outta my butt) I don’t think the word ‘postseason’ will be used in the same sentence as ‘the Cubs’ in 2010.

Of course, I could be wrong. But I’m not.

Joe

A-JUICER. JUST $275 MILLION.

· Joe Sez, News · , , ,

A-ROD-JUICER

Lemme get this straight. A-Rod juiced because he had the burden of carrying around a $252 million contract on his shoulders???? Awwww, poor widdle baby. I’ll tell you what this pin cushion needed: a large, economy-size dose of Vito Corleone slapping him in the face and telling him to man-up.

Every friggin’ time I hear one of these pussies whining about the pressures of the money they’re making — to plaaaaay a sport, by the way, for a cruel and unusual 6 months a year — I wonder if they’d like to step into the well-worn shoes of some single mother who cleans hotel rooms for a living. You know, someone who doesn’t have two nickels to rub together for anything more extravagant than an extra helping of Top Ramen. THAT person knows what money pressure is, my friend, not a guy with a car collection.

But hey, I’ll play along. If A-Rod can’t stand the heat in the $250 million dollar kitchen, I got a very simple solution for him. Yeah, yeah, he doesn’t need it anymore — and regrets having juiced and is all very sorry, blah, blah, blah — cuz he supposedly stopped using when he slipped on the pinstripes. Uh huh. Are you telling me that Yankees fan pressure is less than Rangers fan pressure? That $275 million pressure is easier to take than $250 million pressure? That don’t add up, rocket scientists. I figure the guy has become a human voo doo doll since he’s been in the Bronx, and has probably done more juice than Minute Maid.

Of course, I could be wrong. He could be telling the truth. Yeah, and a monkey is gonna fly outta Jeter’s butt. All I’m sayin’ is that he lied to Tom Hicks (the guy who brought A-Rod to Texas). He lied to Katie Couric, which is like a big “so what,” but I’m trying to establish a pattern here. He fabricated all kinds of crap about the SI reporter, Selena Roberts, the woman that broke this story in the first place. And then you got the Madonna thing, and the stripper thing, and the fact that when a guy hits a weak grounder to the pitcher in a crucial situation in the ALCS and then pathetically tries to slap the ball out of the first baseman’s mitt, he simply can’t be trusted.

But like I said, there is an alternative to steroids for guys like A-Rod who can’t handle all that nasty-wasty pressure. Play for the minimum, fruitcakes. Play for the minimum. Otherwise, shut the hell up about how difficult life is while you’re lounging around one of your 9,000 sq. ft. swimming pools fantasizing about material girls. Or material middle-age women, as the case may be.

Joe

BEFORE AND AFTER.

· Joe Sez, News · , , , , ,

BONDS-BEFORE-AFTER-STEROIDS

News flash: Barry Bonds tested positive for three types of steroids.

No freaking kidding.

Guess what else. It rains in Seattle. Yeah. And if you stick your hand in a fire you get burned. And, can you believe this? … Rod Blagojovich, a Chicago politician, is a crook. Yeah, a shocker. Know what else? If you fall out of a boat, you hit water. (Unless your name is Alfonso Sorriano and it’s the playoffs. Then, no.)

I gotta tell you though, all this hullabaloo over Bonds’ cheatin’ heart is starting to get on my nerves. I know it’s against the law and all, but I could give a crap if he lied to a Grand Jury. It’s not like he shot somebody or ‘accidentally’ forgot to pay $140,000 in taxes. Besides, everybody knows he used, so everybody knows he lied. The Grand Jury knows, baseball knows, Greg Anderson certainly knows, hell, even you latte-drinkin’ Giants fans who defend the guy know. I mean you gotta be living on another planet to look at the guy and think he’s clean. Arguing about it is like arguing over who won the game three days after the last out was recorded. The guy did it — look at him — so who gives a crap if he didn’t man-up in front of the Grand Jury?

Now, you wanna argue about something? Let’s talk records. Like the ones Bonds and McGwire misappropriated while at the same time acting like they had so much respect for the guys that set them. How do you honor Hank Aaron, what he went through, and his contribution to the game — and sports in general — when you cheat to break his career home run record? And what are you when you chemically transform your body to belittle the 61 yard shots that Maris hit in 1961? Let’s see … “ass hole” comes to mind.

The way I see it, the only way to know how good, say, A-Rod really is compared to guys like Ruth and Mantle would be to wind the clock back to before Madonna; before Kabbalah; before the $250 million contract; all the way back to the Mariners, and then make him smoke and drink and stay out all night, all season long. And for his whole career. Take a look at his numbers then, pallie. Hey, the guy is gifted, I’ll give you that. But on a level playing field, I think we’d be comparing him to Mickey Hatcher, not Mickey Mantle.

Anyway, as far as Bonds goes, it makes no sense to me to Al Capone the guy and try to hang him for lying to a Grand Jury. The real offense is the desecration of the records; records that were earned through talent and hard work, and in the face of adversity. I say, put the books back where they were before these guys started cooking them in the steroid kitchen. And then, open up a new wing in Cooperstown for Sammy and Barry and Clemens and the like that draws attention to what it is that they really brought to baseball; disgrace.

Joe

TWO REALLY BIG BALLS. NO STRIKES.

· Joe Sez, News · , , ,

IRAQI-SHOE-THROWER

I do believe the entire Texas Rangers pitching staff has just seen their careers flash before their eyes. Why?

Muntadhar al-Zaidi — reporter for Baghdadiya Television; right handed; excellent velocity; decent control; deceptive delivery. And he’s a free agent. Well, technically he’s currently an incarcerated agent, but I think you know what I mean, my friend.

Alright, alright. He was throwing shoes, not baseballs. And that is a girly thing to do, I grant you. But hey, the Rangers already pitch like a bunch of junior high cheerleaders, so you can’t really use that against this guy. And just try throwing a shoe compared to a hardball. No way you can control a size 10-1/2 as well as the horse hide, my friend. Plus, there was some serious cheese on those things. At least the first one. I gotta think he took a little off the second one to try and throw Bush’s timing off, but he ducked that one, too. Behind a podium, I might add.

So I figure you put this guy on the mound in Arlington — where guys can’t hide behind large, immovable wooden objects — and the Rangers just improved their team pitching stats by about 20%.

Think about it, Texas.

First of all, you could sign him for something like a couple of showers a week. And it would only take one field trip to Texas before he’d be itching to put his name on the dotted line. One look at those Lonestar state debutants and (schwing!) hello big hair, good bye burka.

Second, he’s totally fearless. Totally. I mean the guy stood up in a room surrounded by gun-toting Secret Service agents and chucked his shoes at the most powerful man on the planet; a guy who could train 400 ICBMs on his little patch of sand and push the magic ‘disappear’ button. Given that, do you think A-Rod stepping into the box with the bases loaded and the game on the line is gonna mean squat to al-Z? I think not, pallie.

Third, he’ll challenge hitters. I mean before he even started his wind up — before he was hardly out of his crappy little folding chair — this guy barks “This is a farewell kiss, dog,” at the President. (I think that’s what he said. My Arabic is a little rusty.) A trash talkin’ Iraqi; you gotta love it. And announcing it was coming is just so totally psycho. You gotta think this bozo is good closer material. Anyway, the only challenge the Ranger staff throws up now is makin’ it through the bottom of the third, so closer or not, this guy deserves a look.

Joe

I DIDN’T DO IT. NOBODY SAW ME DO IT. YOU CAN’T PROVE ANYTHING.

· Joe Sez, News · ,

ROD-BLAGOJOVICH

Hey there, ballot boxes. I expect you’d have to be dead to have missed all the stuff flying around about our august, soon-to-be-wearing-an-orange-jumpsuit governor Roddy, and the lovely and oh so eloquent Mrs Roddy. Of course, that’s not sayin’ much, since dead people have been part of Chicago politics forever. I’m just sayin’.

But can we cut the crap already, and drop the use of the word ‘allegedly’ from the Blagojovich story? That’s like sayin’ Bartman didn’t cost us the Series cuz it wasn’t proven in a court of law. It was on tape, pal. Bartman did it. You saw it. I saw it. Friggin’ Hellen Keller woulda seen that. And Blago? His I’ll-make-you-an-offer-you-can’t-refuse back scratching has been preserved in full Dolby digital glory. Along with the supporting, delicate and poetic demonstration of the english language by that *%@# Lady Macbeth — as so perfectly anointed by the Trib.

Honestly, part of me doesn’t blame her, cuz who can talk about the Cubs without dropping a few well-deserved F-bombs? It ain’t easy. I know, personally. But holy friggin’ crap! She’s only a grill and 7 pounds of bling away from being a rapper with that mouth. Hell, she could even teach Lou a few things about how to communicate with umpires.

Anyway, I get all tingly inside knowing that Blagojovich will be making some new friends in the Big House, and that they’ll be giving him the same treatment he’s been giving us. And I don’t think this morning’s meeting with the preacher contingent is gonna do much to save his sorry ass, or otherwise keep if from it’s eventual fate. Supposedly it was all sugar and spice with the Reverend Acree and a couple of other men of the cloth, who requested an audience for the purpose of comforting the governor’s wife and kids. I could be wrong, but I think the Mrs would have been more comforted by meeting with Luca Brazzi, where the discussion was centered on which of the Tribune’s editorial staff was gonna get whacked, and in what order.

The really sad thing is that this is sort of a trend in Illinois. I mean, when this dirt bag moves into cell block 8, he’ll be the 4th governor outta the last 8 that’s done time. In other words, it’s easier to end up in prison as governor of this state than if you murder someone in this state. At least it seems like it. I’ll tell you one thing, it’s certainly easier than it is for the Cubs to make the Series. Now that, my friend, is sad.

All that said, from now on, whenever I get down on my Northsiders for stinkin’ it up, or for jacking up ticket prices during the playoffs and then layin’ turds on the diamond in return, I’m gonna think about Blago, and toilet mouth, and all the other A-holes since Honest Abe — the last (allegedly) honest politician we had. Cuz compared to those guys, our ballplayers are saints. (Not the White Sox, though. They suck.) But the Cubbies are friggin’ holy water by comparison; hundred year drought and all.

Joe