THE OFFICIAL JOE SEZ BLOG-O-RAMA

WHERE CUBS FANS RULE, AND SOMETIMES DREAM ABOUT SLIPPING EXLAX INTO THE CARDINALS' GATORADE.

WHY ARE WHITE SOX FANS SO FRIGGIN’ IRRITATING?

· Joe Sez, News · , , ,

The other day, I made a wise crack about the play the White Sox made at first base which, I admit, was pretty awesome. Mark Buehrle chases down a ball up the line and, on a dead run, scoops it to Konerko between his legs to nail Eric Hosmer at first. Highlight reel stuff.

Nonetheless, seeing as how it’s against my religion to say anything nice about the White Sox, I went to their Facebook page and posted the following comment: “BFD. When your right fielder pegs a guy at third with that kinda throw, then pop off. The class of Chicago plays at Clark & Addison my friend.” Figured I’d see if anybody on the South Side had any detectible brain activity. That, and the fact that I absolutely LOVE poking Sox fans cuz they’re so easily agitated. Not sure why that is, but rumor has it it’s the cheap material in those Victoria’s Secret panties they like to wear for good luck.

Anyway, 10 minutes later it’s like December 7th 1941 and my name is Pearl Harbor. It was a major barrage, with the recurring theme of our 108 year drought. (Lot’s of imagination on the South Side of Chicago; about the same as a box of rocks.) I had to just laugh cuz these guys will go all the way to the bottom of the rabbit hole if you play along. So what did I do? Head first, baby! It seemed like my duty to remind them that they root for the one, single, solitary team in the unabridged history of baseball to throw the World Series. I mean, you can root for anyone, right? Why pick a team that put that giant crap stain on the game? That’s like choosing to root for the Nazi’s.

Well, you can imagine how that went over. “Wow, nice jab at us Sox fans. We weren’t around in 1919.” And “What have you won? Oh … that’s right, nothing.” Again, the kind of responses you’d expect from a girly scout. Pathetic … like when they tore down Comiskey Park.

So, to set the record straight for Sox fans (and please do remind them of this fact) the Chicago Cubs have 2 World Series championships; 1907 and 1908. After we win it this year we’ll have 3. That happens to be the same number — as lame as it is — that the White Sox have. But hey, let’s take this year off the table and just consider the 5 wins between us. The White Sox have won 2.7% of the 111 World Series championships that have been played. The Cubs? 1.8%. Wow, that’s such a HUGE friggin’ difference. Hell, no wonder Sox fans have that superior attitude. Sheesh. Oh … and we’ve also been to the damn thing twice as often as they have.

Two more words: Robin Ventura. Whenever I get that mosquito feeling — that irritating, high-pitched buzzing of Sox fans trying to suck my blood — I bring out the fly swatter; White Sox manager, Robin Ventura. I like to think about the time he was head-locked by a guy twice his age and pummeled like a rag doll for trying to act tough. Tip of the Joe lid for that, Nolan Ryan.

Joe

WHO ARE THESE GUYS, AND WHAT DID THEY DO WITH THE REAL CUBS?

· 2016 Cubs, Joe Sez · , , , , , , , ,

MIRROR-MIRROR

There was this great episode of Star Trek called “Mirror, Mirror” where a transporter malfunction swaps Captain Kirk and his crew with their evil counterparts in a parallel universe. Except for the “evil” part, sometimes I wonder if there was some kinda ion storm thingy that threw baseball into a sorta upside-down world, parallel universe where Chicago’s Cubs — the used Charmin of the National League — are now the equivalent of the ’27 Yankees.

I guess that would make Maddon Captain Kirk. I don’t know who Arrieta is. Probably Spock, with that Vulcan nerve pinch of a fastball. Then you got Rizzo, Bryant, Ross, Fowler, Lackey, and so on, as Scotty, Bones, Chekov, Sulu and the rest of the crew of the Star Ship Wrigley … going where no Cubs have gone before. Fascinating.

In “Mirror, Mirror” the crew figured out that something was wrong, and so they spent the whole episode working on getting back to the way things were. Personally, I’m liking this time warp, black hole thing we’re in a helluva lot, and I hope the laws of physics and baseball remain decidedly out of balance until a star date several million light years into the future. I don’t want the old Cubs back. And if everyone thinks these Cubs we’ve got now are evil, or alien, or transported here from Omega IV, so friggin’ be it. Besides, no team in the history of sports is more evil than the Yankees, and I don’t see anyone whining about them. Maybe because they suck this year.

Anyway, with the exception of Lester, who could be an extraterrestrial if you judge him by what he wears off the field, I think these guys are just friggin’ good and that’s why they’re doing the photon torpedo thing to every team that ventures into Cubs orbit. And it wouldn’t break my heart if they could turn this into a 5 year mission, either.

Joe

DEJA VU ALL OVER AGAIN.

· 2016 Cubs, Joe Sez, News · ,

BALL-STUCK-IN-LESTERS-MITT

One of my favorite things about baseball is that no matter how long you’ve been following the sport, somethin’ happens in most games that you’ve never ever seen before. I used to think this applied to everyone but the Cubs, cuz year-in and year-out, you could pretty much count on tomorrow’s game being a carbon copy of today’s game, which was a bona fide duplicate of yesterday’s game; another notch in the loss column. Not any more, pal. Last year we took a major detour from the yellow brick road, and this year … well … this year we fired up the John Deere, set the height to “zero” and have been mowing down anyone and everything in our path. In that regard, I guess we’re still sorta monotonous, but in a really friggin’ good way.

So anyway, yesterday I’m watchin’ us against Pittsburgh, right? It’s early — just in the 2nd — so the wheels haven’t come off the Pirate ship yet, when a grounder gets tapped up the middle. Lester grabs it (nice job). But now he’s gotta throw it to first and, as we all know, that can definitely present some things you’ve never seen before … like the ball ending up in Section 134. But this time, it’s so friggin’ jammed in the webbing of Lester’s glove, he can’t get it loose. Unbelievable. But does he panic? Hell no! He wads the whole thing up — mitt and all — and heaves it to Rizzo for the out. Now I’d never seen that before, but here’s what really blew the foam off my medicine: The same two guys (Rizzo and Lester) did the exact same thing last year — almost to the day — at Wrigley. I don’t know how the hell I missed it. I coulda been playin’ hide the salami with the missus, which is about the only thing that can throw me off my Cubs game. Who could blame me?

I’m not sure what this does to my theory about something new happening in every game. For those of you that saw it last season, it doesn’t hold. But for those of us who missed it due to a land slide or tornado or some other force of nature — oh … it was a force of nature, alright — it was new to us this time around. Anyway, it was such a genius move it was worth a little deja vu all over again. In Yogi we trust.

Joe

PS. You wanna see something you’ve never seen before, and that will make you get down on your knees and pray you never ever have to see again? Take a look at Lester’s post game attire. A fashion “don’t” of galactic proportions, it illustrates the single most amazing achievement in all of sport: A blind man can pitch in the Major Leagues. No wonder the guy can’t throw the ball to first base. He can’t friggin’ see it.

OUTTA THE MOUTHS OF BABES; IN THIS CASE, THE MISSUS.

· 2016 Cubs, Joe Sez · , ,

So, I’m watchin’ the Cubs unload on the Pirates tonight and, at some point, one of the announcers says, “… and the Cubs have a commanding lead.” At which point the lovely Mrs Schlombowski utters, “That’s a phrase we’re gonna hear a lot this year.”

No wonder I love this woman.

You might think this would be expected. No, not the fact that I love my wife. Rather that the missus of a ginormous Cubs fan would be an equally ginormous Cubs fan. Not the case, my friend. The wife puts up with my Cubs obsession the best she can. For example, she only went partially ballistic when I shaved the Cubs logo in my chest hair. She let’s me hang my W flag on our front door. She knows players; Rizzo, Bryant, Arrieta, LaStella. I even get her to a game now and then. And … AND … she wears the Cubbies t-shirts I get her. Let me tell you, my friend … “Cubs” on a t-shirt on the missus … best use of typography I’ve ever seen. Still, to say the missus is a Cubs fan would be like sayin’ Hillary Clinton is a swim suit model. Uh-uh.

My rather long-winded (thus typical Joe Schlombowski) point is this: The missus may not be Chicago’s biggest Cubs fan, but that didn’t keep her from dropping a Socrates-like observation on me tonight. It’s the kinda thing that never occurs to someone conditioned to saying “Wait ’til next year” by the mid-season classic. Anyway, the missus really pine-tars my bat … especially when she’s wearin’ a Cubs t-shirt. Hoo boy, I love that woman.

Joe

WELL, THAT WAS ONE HELL OF AN APRIL.

· 2016 Cubs, Joe Sez, News · ,

CHICAGO-CUBS-INCREDIBLE-APRIL

Hey there, cheese puffs. As I look back on the first month of the season, I think it can best be summed up by channelling a little Harry Caray: HOLY-FRIGGIN-COW! I mean, that was like the Kate Upton of opening months! Sure … maybe there’s a freckle here or a hair slightly outta place there, but pretty much you just wanna sit back and dream about it, and hope you never wake up.

It was the best start we’ve had since 1907. 1907!!! For example, in a measly 84 games ahead of last year’s pace, the Cubs reached 10 games over .500. We outscored our opponents by like 3,000 runs. I exaggerate, but you get the point, right? How about the bats? And the staff! Arrieta was named National League Pitcher of the Month. Duh; 5-0, a 1.00 ERA and a no-hitter (against Cincinnati, which made it all that much sweeter). Go ahead … try and find a weakness, pal. There ain’t one. I’d like to point out that we did nearly all of it Schwarberless. Can you begin to imagine what April woulda been like if Schwarber was healthy? They woulda had to add “Cubs” to the Richter Scale.

If I could point to anything that would benefit from a little of Schwarber’s best Babe Ruth imitation, I’d say it’s Stephen A. Smith. This guys is a wind bag of Bruce Froehming proportions, and proved it beyond any doubt when he accused Arrieta of juicing. (He said he wasn’t ‘accusing’, but then went ahead and put it out there. Call it what you want … that’s a full-on accusation.) What a colossal pin head! If the guy knew anything about Arrieta, his work ethic and the adjustments he’s made to his mechanics — in short, if he’d done ANY research at all before shooting off his pie hole — the thought of juicing would never have crossed his itty-bitty microscopic mind. But that woulda meant actually doing some work, which would take away from running his turbo-charged, noise box. Personally, I don’t think a guy who’s been slammed by his colleagues for sexist comments, and who was suspended by ESPN for essentially saying that some women bring domestic violence on themselves, oughta be throwin’ any stones from his glass house. In fact, how the hell does he have a friggin’ job when Curt Schilling doesn’t? Makes no sense.

So, except for Stephen A. Smith (and, yeah, I think I know what the ‘A’ stands for) trying to piss on our parade, April was about as killer as it gets. Let’s hope May is the same.

Joe