Hey there, rice cakes. Question: Does anyone ever — and I mean EVER — get home all happy-like after bein’ stuck in traffic for 2 hours? The correct answer is “No, they do not, Joe.”

Same goes for baseball, which is why I don’t wanna hear Tyler Chatwood singin’ in the shower after that outing the other day.

“I was good at getting out of traffic,” Chatwood said. “I created a lot of that. I thought my stuff was really good today. I just need to trust it and try not to be too fine too early. I can build off this for the next time.” NEXT time? What about THIS time?! If he keeps servin’ up “this times” like that there won’t be a friggin’ next time. For any of us. No worries about being “too fine too early”, either. He didn’t come within six lightyears of “fine.”

And unless you’re the kinda nimrod who stands in the middle of a sprawling Mumbai garbage dump and says, “Hey, I really like this fragrance. I wish I had aftershave that was half as sweet,” then no way you’d characterize Chatwood’s stuff as “really good.” He served up 43 balls along with his 49 strikes. A near 50/50 split. About what Stevie Wonder might do … with his eyes closed.

Yo, Tyler, when you give up 6 walks, that’s not the kinda stuff you “need to trust.” What you need to do is look at yourself in the mirror and ask, “Is that the sorta pitching that warrants a 3 year, $38,000,000 pay day?” Again, “no” is the answer, Chatstick. And while you’re in the bathroom for questioning, you also oughta ask that guy lookin’ back at you why he sucked so badly. And he’d better have an answer before your next start.

If I F’d up like that at my job and thought I should keep on doin’ the same thing — that I should “trust” it — my sorry ass would be out on the street in about 4-1/2 seconds. I wouldn’t get a chance to “build off” it for next time.

Now I’ll say this for Chatwood: In spite of the six walks, he was super stingy with the hits, giving up just a solitary run to the Reds. So we shoulda won. No question. With the lineup we got, we oughta be able to hand out 30 or 40 runs in every game and still win. So, to me, Chatwood doesn’t get saddled with that loss, the offense does. With 58 strikeouts in five games — a new league record, by the way — it’s the Cubs bats that can’t be trusted. They’re 7-for-51 with runners in scoring position, so far — a whopping .137 average. That’s not somethin’ you can build on, my friend. That’s somethin’ you oughta scrape off the friggin’ lot.

Until the bats wake up, though, we can’t be gettin’ into a lotta traffic jams. In my relatively non-humble opinion, it would be better to take an alternate route. And, as a pitcher, Chatstick oughta not be pattin’ himself on the back, no matter what. Twistin’ his arm up like that is a good way to end up on the disabled list.

Of course I could be wrong. But I’m not.

Joe