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NAMES IN A BLENDER; THE 2018 CHICAGO CUBS OPENING DAY EDITION.

· 2018 Cubs, Joe Sez · , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Hey there, garment bags. I’ll tell ya, yesterday woulda been a lot better as another snow day instead of Opening Day. It was about as exciting as watchin’ the yule log video on Christmas morning. About as warm, too. Pirates fans were definitely lovin’ it, though, and none that I saw showed any ill effects from eatin’ yellow snow the day before. I guess if you do it enough you build up a tolerance or somethin’.

Anyway, after a pretty good start, includin’ the first of Javi’s two moon shots, things went total Frankenstein-ugly in the third, and got worse from there. I don’t know about you, but in game situations like this, my mind tend to wander, always ending up in its predictable corners; 1) What’s for dinner and 2) Scarlett Johansson … er, uh … I mean the missus. I actually do mean that, too. The missus is hotter than a crate of barbequed Carolina Reaper peppers smothered in Blair’s Ultra Death Sauce. Besides, Johansson has answered exactly zero of the 4,617 letters I’ve written her.

Point is, I was lookin’ for somethin’ to do during the game, cuz the Cubs sure as hell weren’t doin’ much. So I played a little game I call Names-In-A-Blender to pass the time. I have what’s known as an elastic set of rules for this game so it can be adapted for actors, politicians, Olympic athletes, nightly news reporters … you name it. I’ve done it with ballplayers a lot, of course, but sometimes with different guidelines than yesterday. Anyway, it’s a good way to pass the time if you’re not doin’ much cheering and clapping, like at yesterday’s Cubs game.

Here are yesterdays Official Joe Schlombowski Names-In-A-Blender rules: You take the name of any major league ball player, say Trevor Hildenburger, and you combine it with another major league ball player, say Jake Lamb. You put those two together and you get TREVOR LAMB-BURGER. Turns out that’s what the red-hot missus cooked up for dinner last night, too. Great minds.

So let’s play a few rounds.

You put Jhoulys Chacin together with Matt Szczur and you get MATT JHOULYS SZCZUR. Probably as much chance of conquering the world as gettin’ into the Hall.

In honor of Harry Caray, mix Bud Norris with Tommy La Stella. That gives you BUD NO-STELLA. Definitely somethin’ Harry woulda said in some hipster bar.

Stayin’ with the hipster bar theme for a minute, combine Shin-Soo Choo and Yu Darvish. That gives you SHIN-SOO CHOO YU. Have a few Buds OR Stellas and try sayin’ that 3 times fast.

When you mix Sean Doolittle with Alex Wood you get ALEX LITTLE-WOOD. Not somethin’ you want on the back of your uni.

But mash up Evan Longoria and Blake Wood and you get EVAN LONGOR-WOOD. Much better, right ladies?

And for you guys from Boystown, there’s this one: Combine Albert Pujols and Doug Fister and you get DOUG PUJOLS-FISTER. Hey, to each his own, pallie.

Give it a shot sometime. Once you run out of ballplayers, start in on golfers, hockey player, football and soccer. Mix it up with the names of Donald Trump’s former cabinet members, and throw in the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders for good measure. If all else fails, go to your Facebook friends list.

Before you know it, you’ll be back on the El, lookin’ forward to tomorrow’s game.

Joe

TIP FOR PIRATES FANS TOMORROW: DON’T EAT THE YELLOW SNOW.

· 2018 Cubs, Joe Sez · , , , ,

For those who’ve been livin’ on another planet, tomorrow is the 2018 Chicago Cubs home opener. No doubt there will be a handful of Pirates fans who are incapable of suppressing their desire to don that hideous yellow jacket-colored swag and sprinkle themselves throughout the Friendly Confines.

I can think of only two reasons for this:

1) Pirates fans are masochists: They get some kinda perverse pleasure outta pain … like the kind the Cubbies are gonna unload on the Bucks tomorrow.

2) Pirates fans like snow: It’s gonna snow tomorrow. And even if it doesn’t, it’s gonna be wind-off-the-lake frigid — like Hillary Clinton. This is not baseball weather, my friend. At least in Chi-town. But at least we have a totally legit excuse for showin’ up for a ballgame dressed like we just beamed down from K2’s basecamp. It’s the home opener, pal. Nuff said.

But Pirate fans? It’s gotta be cuz they like snow as much as they like dressin’ like human caution signs in public. Why else subject yourself to an in-person beat down under the influence of a large Canadian low?

Whatever the reason, they’re bound to show. And there’s bound to be yellow snow: 40,000 fans, 100,000+ beers, post game revelry, Wrigleyville. Yeah, there’s gonna be yellow snow. But I, Joe Schlombowski, master of the cheap seats, implore you to offer them the best of the midwesterner’s code — be friendly; share your scarf or somethin’; maybe buy ’em a hot chocolate. And by all means, don’t forget to warn ’em about the yellow snow. (They like yellow. They’re Pirates fans. They’re likely to eat it.)

Joe

PS. You might wanna give ’em a similar warning about urinal cookies.

9 IS A GREAT NUMBER. ESPECIALLY WHEN IT’S A CUBS WINNING STREAK.

· 2016 Cubs, Joe Sez, News · , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

CUBS-9-GAME-WIN-STREAK

Hey there, pool cues. As you know, the Cubbies logged their 9th straight win yesterday. Nine. Three times three. The square root of 81. The number of planets in our solar system. (Yeah, yeah, everybody heard about Pluto gettin’ demoted to “really big ice cube” status, but lemme tell you somethin’: I don’t give a crispy crap what National Geographic says … Pluto is still a planet in the Schlombowski solar system, pal. I think they only said that cuz they were tryin’ to sell magazines. That’s it. Besides, if any celestial body deserved to be nixed, it’s Uranus.) Anyway, like I was sayin’, we posted number 9 yesterday, and that, my friend, is a pretty long streak. It’s not 10, but 10 is cliché. Don’t get me wrong … I like 10. And today, when we get there, I’ll totally disavow any knowledge of 9. But there’s something a little too Alexander Hamiltonish about 10, don’t you think? Furthermore, everybody rides the 10 bandwagon. Hell, I’ll be right up front on it myself! People like 10. Maybe cuz it’s a nice round number. Maybe cuz it represents perfection. Or maybe, just maybe, cuz of Bo Derek. I know that’s a lost reference on anyone under 50, but I’ll tell ya … You wanna talk about heavenly bodies? Bo Derek is one you wanna land on and explore, my friend.

Anyway, as a non-conformist (Sister Mary Elizabeth used to call me a hellion and a rebel, but I know she meant non-conformist) … anyway, as someone who likes to up the down staircase, and because, as I already mentioned, the Cubs are ridin’ a 9 game winning streak, I wanna Sesame Street the number 9.

Why 9 is a good number:

1  Baseball games have 9 innings — more if you go extra innings, fewer if you get rained out. But unless Rob Womanfred institutes 7 inning games to speed things up (a moronic idea of Donald Trumpian proportions), I think we can agree that ballgames are 9 inning affairs.

2  You got 9 guys on each side. Actually there are a lot more than that, but only 9 in the line up at any one time. Unless were talkin’ that sissy DH kinda baseball they play in the American League. That makes it 10 a side. Which is yet another reason why the DH is an abomination whose sole purpose is to give a job to fat guys with no glove. Pathetic. Real baseball has pitchers who hit, so I’m stickin’ with 9.

3  Ted Williams, Roger Maris, Bill Mazeroski, Graig Nettles, Matt Williams, Enos Slaughter, Minnie Minoso, and the straw that stirs the drink — Reggie Jackson — all wore number 9. Yes, Jackson wore it until he went to the dark side. Nettles already had it. Doesn’t really matter, though. You could take everyone off this list except for Ted and the number 9 would still be one of the greatest.

4  The first World Series, in 1903, was a best-of-nine affair arranged between the champions of the older, and I might add, better National League (founded in 1876) and the American League. Of course leave it to the Pirates to blow a Series they were favored to win. The Boston Pilgrims upset Pittsburgh, 5 games to 3.

5  There are usually 9 Justices on the Supreme Court. Not right now cuz Scalia passed, but normally you got 9 so you don’t have stuff endin’ in a tie. Ties suck. I would think that even Bud Selig has learned that lesson by now.

6  There are 9 months in the average human pregnancy. That’s a pretty good 9. I mean we got billions of people on this planet so it’s workin’ pretty well. Yeah, some of ’em are jaggoffs and/or root for the Mets, and probably shoulda baked longer or somethin’. But overall, I’d say that 9 has worked out.

7  Two words: Nine Ball. Rackin’ up the resin at Wrigleyville North with a couple of buddies and a pitcher of Old Style is pretty high in the male bonding line up. Although now that the Cubs have turned into an actual Major League baseball team, and nobody leaves the ballpark ’til the last out is in the books, it’s way tougher to get in. Makes the missus happy, though.

8  It’s been 108 years since the Cubbies won the Series. But I hasten to point out that 108 is evenly divisible by 9. Twelve times, to be exact. And 12 happens to be the number of months in a year. And this year belongs to the friggin’ Chicago Cubs, my friend. You DO see how the dots connect, right? 108 years; 9 fits into 108 twelve times; 12 is the number of months in a year; this year is ours. Sister Mary Elizabeth woulda said that’s Schlombowski logic. Makes perfect sense to me, though.

Why 9 ain’t such a good number:

1  Cats have 9 lives. I have seen a few road kills in my day, though. Kinda hard to imagine the fury bundle of indifference gettin’ up from bein’ Wiley Coyote’d into the asphalt. It’s fair to say I’m not a cat person. Cats treat you like you’re the pet. And they stink. Walk into someone’s house and you know right away if they got a cat or not. Plus, if it weren’t for cats, there’d be no cat ladies — 70 year old former librarians livin’ with 43 felines and wearin’ an ugly print bathrobe 24/7. And, of course, there’s the friggin’ cat curse at Wrigley. My blood pressure goes ballistic just thinkin’ about it. Cats havin’ one life is quite enough. Nine? That’s a friggin’ horror movie.

2  There are 9 squares in tic-tac-toe — perhaps the stupidest game in the history of history. It’s fine for little kids, of course, but once you’re old enough to pick your nose, you figure out that you can’t win it … unless you’re playin’ against a White Sox fan. (Speakin’ of nose pickers …)

3  Niners. As in the San Francisco 49ers. They misappropriated the number 9 by callin’ themselves the Niners. Now, anybody who knows me knows that I don’t really give a crap about football. But if I did, I’d be a Bears fan which oughta explain what I just said about the Niners.

4  Dante’s Divine Comedy describes nine circles of Hell. I never finished it, but why would I? Bein’ a Cubs fan and all, I’ve had my own circles of Hell. Plenty of ’em. Way more than Dante, by the way. Readin’ about 9 more would be like bein’ roommates with Steve Bartman. Who needs that?

5  Nine is considered a lucky number in China. A lotta dynasties used a nine-rank system in their hierarchy, and it’s a number that’s related to tales of dragons and Emperors. Kowloon, a district in Hong Kong, literally translates to “nine dragons.” Why is all this bad? It’s friggin’ China, dude. Does Tiananmen Square ring any bells?

On balance, I’d say 9 is a pretty friggin’ good number. Most especially when its the number of Cubs consecutive wins. And let’s not forget that Javier Baez wears 9, and he’s one of the reasons that the Cubs will be takin’ home the hardware this season. For those of you who think otherwise … I got a 9 for ya. Imagine I’m foldin’ down all my fingers except one. There’s your 9, pallie.

Joe

THE BIGGEST ROCK HEAD STATEMENTS OF ALL TIME.

· 2016 Cubs, Joe Sez · ,

GERRIT-COLE

I’ll say this about Gerrit Cole; he’s in good company, although it has absolutely nothing to do with his arm. After beating the Cubs last night, thereby barely and finally scratching out a victory — the first in 6 tries against Chicago this season — Cole says, “I don’t really think they’re the best team in baseball.”

Really? I think maybe this Pirate is suffering from scurvy or something.

Before I get to the “good company” part, let’s just mow the facts into the infield grass where even the Lump of Cole oughta be able to read them from his 12 inch perch (assuming he can read). 1) The Cubs, at 27-9, are, in fact, currently the best team in baseball. Period. 2) The Cubs have a +109 run differential. Also, the best in baseball. In fact, it’s higher than the next two teams (Red Sox +58 and Cardinals +46) combined. 3) The Cubs have the highest power ranking, the lowest team ERA, and opposing teams (like the Pirates) have a batting average against us just two points over the Mendoza line. I’ll mention here that the Cubs have also outscored the Pirates 38-13 in their six head-to-head games this season. Seems like Cole oughta keep his nose outta the rosin bag.

Ennnn-eeeeee-waaaaaay … Like I said, the guy’s in good company. Famous, even. I mean outta all the stupid public statements ever made (not including Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Brian Williams or various Miss America contestants) I rank Cole’s at least at the whip cream level … maybe even the cherry on top. Why? Because hind sight is 20/20, my friend. That means I can sorta forgive some of these other guys for the things they said. But the Cole Choo Choo? … He had the numbers staring him in the kisser, AND was personally shelled by the Cubs a couple weeks ago, but he went ahead and spiked his tongue anyway. Morons don’t get any slack from me. Anyway, here’s my list:

“The Beatles have no future in show business.” | A Decca Records executive to Brian Epstein, the band’s manager, following an audition in 1962. “We don’t like your boys’ sound.” he continued. “Groups are out. Four-piece groups with guitars, particularly, are finished.” Can you imagine what that cost Decca? Even more than Boras is gonna be wringing outta the Nats in the Harper deal.

“Hell freezes over. The Cubs will win the World Series.” | Sports Illustrated has never picked a winner, and in the 2000’s their editors seemed especially determined to meld their curse with Chicago’s, with this 2004 prediction — the first of two covers predicting the end of the Cubs’ century-long championship drought. Thanks a lot, butt heads.

“The horse is here to stay, but the automobile is only a novelty; a fad.” | The president of the Michigan Savings Bank, in 1903, advising Henry Ford’s lawyer not to invest in the Ford Motor Company. This guy liked horses, but you wouldn’t have wanted him makin’ your Trifecta picks.

“Children just aren’t interested in witches and wizards anymore.” | Anonymous publishing executive writing to J.K Rowling in 1996. Based on this prediction, I’d say certain publishing executives were pretty interested in the want ads in 1997.

“There’s no chance that the iPhone is going to get any significant market share. No chance.” | Microsoft CEO, Steve Ballmer, in 2007. Hello, you have reached the voice mail for Steve Ballmer. I cannot take your call right now because I’m having my head examined.

“It’s gonna happen. Kosake Fukudome can end the Cubs’ 100 year wait.” | In 2008, having blown a prediction for a Cubs World Series championship 4 years earlier, Sports Illustrated did it again, based largely on a rushed overreaction to one good month by Kosake Fukudome. The good news is that they picked us to lose this year’s Series, which means we’re not only good enough to make it, we’re a lock to win it. Thank you, SI.

“Stock prices have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.” | Economist Irving Fisher in October 1929, three days before the stock market crash that triggered the Great Depression. This guy’s career was ruined over this. Now, I don’t want to wish that on Mr Cole, but I think a 5-20 season would be about the right amount of karma to dish.

“Television won’t last because people will soon get tired of staring at a plywood box every night.” | Darryl Zanuck, 20th Century Fox movie producer, in 1946. Zanuck made some pretty good movies, huge, in fact. None of them were about baseball, though. Enough said.

So, somewhere in there, I would insert Cole Train’s statement about the Cubs. Close to the top. Capitalized. Red letters. Underlined. Why? Cuz not only was it stupid, it was uttered by the same dip stick that allowed six runs (five earned) on six hits and four walks before he was yanked in the 5th the last time he took the hill against us. He’s also the loser of last year’s one-game wild-card playoff — where he was equally overpowering — generously surrendering four runs, also in five innings (thank you, Mr Cole) including a couple of yard shots to Schwarber and Fowler. Can’t wait ’til we face this alzeimer’s case again.

Joe