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PUTIN AND MANFRED: DICTATORS SEPARATED AT BIRTH.

· Baseball Rules, Joe Sez, News · , , , , ,

Not unlike Russia’s Vlad Putin, who pretty much put the “dic” in “dictator”, here in the US-of-A we got ourselves Rob Manfred, who’s doing a bang up job of puttin’ the “dic” in “dictatorial.” In fact I think he’s tryin’ to slip a high hard one into to the sacred and holy game of baseball. One thing is for sure: these two guys are snipped outta the same blood stained cloth, my friend. It’s basically, stand back or take your friggin’ chances.

If you wanna get a feel for how high Manfred’s “Putin factor” is, cast your eyeballs on the statement (below) he made about the new pace-of-play rules he’s ramming down the throats of Major League Baseball. It’s right outta the Kremlin; autocratic totalitarianism veiled in diplomacy, but with spaces between the lines you could parallel park a mobile ICBM launcher in.

“I am pleased that we were able to reach an understanding with the Players Association to take concrete steps to address pace of play with the cooperation of the players,” Manfred said. “My strong preference is to continue to have ongoing dialogue with players on this topic to find mutually acceptable solutions.”

What does that mean in English?

It means that Manfred, in true Omega House fashion, would prefer it if ball players just winced out a “Thank you sir. May I have another?” with each of his Neidermeyer rules, delivered with a sting in the name of speedin’ up a game that’s never ever ever never been based on time. Baseball has a seventh inning stretch, for Chrissakes. It’s a game that unfolds, my friend. It ebbs and meanders. Occasionally it explodes, other times it languishes. Except for trades, though, it doesn’t have a deadline. No clock. No timekeeper. No buzzer. Time doesn’t run out on baseball, no matter how much Manfred and the Snap Chat, instant-gratification, short-attention-span millennials that call themselves “fans” would like it to.

As a result, Lord Manfred is in the midst of makin’ up rules to make baseball more like football — an inferior sport in every way, with the notable exception of cheerleaders. It started with Rule 7.13 and Rule 6.01, both of which take away the freedom of a runner to break up a close play. The reason for these rules, they say, is to protect players. This is a sport, mind you, where guys are throwin’ what basically is a rock about 97 miles an hour within inches of your location. And sometimes they can get a little Wild Thing on you. Follow Manfred’s “protection” logic and it’ll only be a matter of time before hard balls are outlawed and he places an 80 mph speed limit on fastballs. It’s kinda like the NFL and their sissy penalty for tripping. You got 300 lb guys tryin’ to rip each other’s heads off, but you also got a penalty for tripping? What?!

Tictoc, tictoc.

Hell bent on turnin’ baseball into a 30 second commercial, Manfred will see some of his clock management dictates implemented this season. There’s gonna be a timer for pitching changes, for example. Brilliant. What’s that gonna save…a few seconds for each one? It’s not the time it takes to change pitchers that’s too long, it’s how many friggin’ pitching changes are made in one game. If you got a couple of Mike Scioscia’s in the dugouts, you might not get home before your carriage turns back into a pumpkin.

But that’s not the clock that matters. Womanfred also wants to hamstring the drama between pitcher and hitter by instituting a 20-second countdown timer between pitches, and a between-batter clock, so hitters can’t screw with a pitcher’s rhythm. These are time honored traditions that are part of the game, not somethin’ you send to baseball Siberia on a personal whim. The good news is the trouser snake didn’t get either one. Not yet, anyway.

Manfreds misguided mandates.

What he did get was a win on mound visits, now limited to six non-pitching-change pow-wows per nine-inning game, with one added visit permitted (gee-wiz, thank you, your worship) in each extra inning. And I’m not just talkin’ managers and coaches trottin’ out to the bump, either. It means any player (including the catcher) leavin’ his position to chat with the pitcher counts as a visit.

It’s also considered a mound visit if the pitcher leaves the mound to confer with another player. Question: How the hell can it be a mound visit if it ain’t on the mound?! That’s like sayin’ a ball landing in foul territory is fair. Of course as long as you have CB Bucknor out there, that’s always a possibility. But I’m just sayin’.

There will be free trips to moundville to check on an injury, or after a new hitter is announced, or if there’s confusion between pitchers and catchers over signs. (I predict about 30-40% more confusion this season.)

Thankfully, the MLBPA ain’t exactly skippin’ to My Lou with Womanfred on this crap. In fact the Union hasn’t formally consented to anything. They’re goin’ along … for now. But as Player Association Chief, Tony Clark, put it, the players “remain concerned about rule changes that could alter the outcome of games and the fabric of the game itself.” Of course he might as well have been speaking Russian as far as the Commish is concerned.

I’ll point out here that Womanfred has the right to institute rules changes without an agreement from the Union with one year notice. Which means, next year, you can count on havin’ the pitch clock, two strikes and you’re out, games shortened to seven innings, and the death penalty for giving up more than three walks per nine innings.

The pièce de résistance.

The proof that Manfred and Putin are evil twins comes into sharp focus when you take a look at this year’s new extra innings rule in Minor League Baseball, which is really the rule testing ground for Major League Baseball. They already have the pitch clock, for instance.

This season, extra innings throughout the minor leagues will start with a runner at second base. CAN YOU FRIGGIN’ BELIEVE THAT?! That’s the kinda crap you did for your younger brothers when you played whiffle ball — a game whose ball looks exactly like Manfred’s brain. And just to make this pinheaded rule more convoluted, the runner who starts an extra inning at second will be counted as reaching on an error for purposes of determining earned runs, but no errors will be charged. How the F does that wash? The guy technically reaches second on a two base error, but nobody is charged with one?

How ’bout Manfred? Now THERE’S a guy that should be charged with an error. A fatal one. One that boots his communist ass back to Moscow where he and his long lost brother can reunite and lay plans to get that bozo in the White House re-elected. Or maybe shorten the Indy 500 to the Indy 200. Or perhaps mandate shorter winters, 20 hour days, and partial amputations for anyone over 5’6″.

Joe

PS. I leave you with a quote from the great philosopher, Stormy Daniels: Shorter may be easier to take, but it isn’t necessarily more fun.”