Joe Sez

IS THE BULL PEN HALF FULL OR HALF EMPTY?

· 2016 Cubs, Joe Sez · , ,

CUBS-BULL-PEN-HALF-FULL

Well, cheese doodles, tonight was either a bona fide come-from-behind, never-say-die, skin-of-the-teeth victory, or a brutally honest look at our bull pen. Depends on how you wanna look at it, but since I have an almost mythical knack for finding the cloud wherever there’s a silver lining, I feel the need to point out the obvious flaw in what seems like a World Series team; our bull pen. Watchin’ them tonight was like eyeballin’ a petri dish coated with some disgusting stuff you can’t pronounce swarming around in random ways you can’t predict. And whatever that stuff is, you don’t want to touch it, and you sure as hell don’t want it wearin’ a Cubs uniform.

All I can say is thank you, God, for Joe Maddon. This was like some sort of baseball experiment tonight, where the Cubs were in a Phase II trial to figure just how comatose they could be and still win. Maddon, though, was the mad scientist, mixing things up in crazy ways, and putting parts where they don’t belong until he effectively willed a win out of what appeared to be a collection of inanimate objects. Seriously … how can the Cubs make like friggin’ Ironman for the first 5+ weeks of the season and then turn into Boy George against one of the worst teams in the league? Boggles the mind.

As good as we’ve been (and we’ve been damn good) and as masterful as Dr Maddon is (like a Casey Stengel version of Einstein … or vice versa) tonight’s showing against the Brewers illustrated with the clarity of a Miller High Life bottle that our bull pen is definitely the weak link in the Cubbies chain reaction. They walked 6 guys. SIX! I thought bull pen guys were supposed to throw strikes. That’s why they get brought in in the first place … cuz the previous guy couldn’t throw strikes. I mean if we wanted to keep walkin’ guys we’d just leave the first guy in, who was doin’ a fine job with that already, Right? Even Wood, who got the win by gettin’ out of a spectacular hole he dug for us, and gettin’ walked himself with the bags loaded, probably woulda had a different outcome if it hadn’t been for some of Maddon’s chess moves.

On the other hand, the Cubbies did come away with a win tonight, even if the bull pen was channeling Mitch Williams most of the time. Question is, what kinda pen do they wanna be? The kind that’s directly responsible for an increase in Chicagoland cardiac deaths, or the kind that inspires the sale of (name of Cubs reliever here) jerseys? We’re gonna find out. No question about that.

Joe

IT’S ABOUT TIME FOR A BARTOLO COLON-OSCOPY.

· Joe Sez, News · ,

BARTOLO-COLON-OSCOPY

If you wanna go by what the New York Post says — and in this instance, why the hell not? — it’s time we got to the bottom (literally) of Bartolo Colon, so we can find out what else the guy might be hiding (besides another woman and a couple of kids). Who knows? Maybe Jimmy Hoffa is in there?

Colon is slated to be on the hill tonight against the Nats. But seein’ as how his two-timing backside was hauled into court Monday by Alexandra Santos, who claims the $7 million-sausage-in-a-uniform is a deadbeat dad, who friggin’ knows? I mean if it were me, there’s no way I could concentrate, but then I have a conscience — something that would keep me outta this kinda pickle in the first place. Colon, on the other hand, plays for the Mets. That and the fact that he’s been HIDING the pickle with someone other than Mrs Colon — and he’s able to sleep at night anyway — mean that a conscience doesn’t come standard on the Bartolo model. (Although 3 or 4 spare tires do.)

Can’t say I’m surprised. He’s a Met (whatever the hell that is) and as a result obviously can’t be trusted. If the Post’s article is true … well … Bartolo’s got some splainin’ to do. Although, I’m not sure Rosanna, his better half — or in Bartolo’s case probably just 15% — really gives a crap. She said she knew all about his other kids. Which means she knows about Ms Santos, too. Not sure why all that’s ok with her, but I’d guess it has something to do with the bank account Big Sexy keeps fully stocked. They sound like they’re made for each other.

Pretty sad for those kids if Colon is actually their father but he’s not willing to step up and support ’em. But hey, like I said, he’s a Met. Not that this isn’t a serious deal, but the funny side of all this is that the child-support case in question is listed on official papers as “Anonymous v. Anonymous.” Because of that, the only reason you, me and the Post found out that Bartolo wasn’t so anonymous after all, was because he’d represented himself in the custody dispute, thus his name was listed as an attorney. Which means Bartolo is not only an alleged dirt bag, he also has a fool for a client.

Joe Anonymous Schlombowski

IT’S MILLER TIME!

· 2016 Cubs, Joe Sez · ,

CUBS-MILLER-TIME

Tonight, I figured I’d be celebrating our series against the Brew Crew in the time-honored Joe Schlombowski cheap seats way; by pouring a frosty cold Miller straight into the crapper every time we score. Then — since Joe’s Bleachers is the environmentally responsible center of the universe  — flushin’ that nasty-tastin’, gut-bombin’ swill and sending it sloshing back to the brewery, where they can bottle it right back up for sale. Maybe even at Miller Park. (I flush twice, cuz it’s a helluva long way to the Miller Brewing Company.)

Unfortunately we happen to be down by 4 at the moment … which sucks. We haven’t pushed a single run across the plate, either … which also sucks. And Anderson’s got a no-hitter through 6. More sucking. Even worse (for me, anyway) … there’s an entire case of Miller contaminating my man-fridge. I was figuring on our usual 6, 7, maybe 9 runs a game. Not today. Haven’t flushed a single drop down the oval office yet, and if the Cubbies don’t get busy pretty soon, my Old Style is gonna get infused with the stink emanating from those clear bottles. C’mon, Cubs!

Enjoy the rest of the game.

Joe

DOWN GOES FRAZIER … ER, UH … BAUTISTA!

· Joe Sez, News · , , ,

Know what I love about baseball, Cubcakes? The Code, that’s what. That good old free market system of behavioral correction that finally got Joey Bautista cold cocked on Sunday by the Rangers’ Rougned Odor. And I mean friggin’ hammered, sport fans. Shellacked like a shit house toilet seat. Odor answered that age-old question, “You wouldn’t hit a man with glasses, would you?” by drilling Joey Bats in the jaw so hard his extra pair of Oakleys fell out of his locker. Hey, Brycie, still think the game is boring? Still love how Bautista “expressed himself” with a bat flip against the Rangers in last year’s ALDS? Well, Vegas, eventually that comes with a price, as your Blue Jay buddy found out when Odor rattled his nuts like a handful of dice in a Yahtzee cup.

It appears, my Cubs-loving friends, that expression is a two-way street patrolled by The Code. Hey, I don’t care if you like the Rangers or the Blue Jays or even that corrupt gang of World Series sellouts from the south side of town, act like an asshole in in this game and you’ll get set straighter than a ten-peckered billy goat. Eventually.

Robbie Womanfred’s sissy, college-boy slide rule didn’t keep Joey Bats from sliding hard and late into Odor at second. Maybe Joey’s trying to break up the double play, maybe he’s answering back to getting plunked in the back earlier in the inning. Don’t know, don’t care. There are three things Smokin’ Joe Schlombowski does know, however: 1) Chanel-wearing ESPN babes wouldn’t have wrinkles in their undies if Joey Bautista hadn’t “expressed himself” last fall; 2) Rougned Odor landed the cleanest shot to a jaw I’ve ever seen outside the ring at Johnny Coulon’s Gym on East 63rd; and 3) with all due respect to the Rangers’ second sacker, I’m sure glad my last name’s Schlombowski.

Joe

THE BIGGEST ROCK HEAD STATEMENTS OF ALL TIME.

· 2016 Cubs, Joe Sez · ,

GERRIT-COLE

I’ll say this about Gerrit Cole; he’s in good company, although it has absolutely nothing to do with his arm. After beating the Cubs last night, thereby barely and finally scratching out a victory — the first in 6 tries against Chicago this season — Cole says, “I don’t really think they’re the best team in baseball.”

Really? I think maybe this Pirate is suffering from scurvy or something.

Before I get to the “good company” part, let’s just mow the facts into the infield grass where even the Lump of Cole oughta be able to read them from his 12 inch perch (assuming he can read). 1) The Cubs, at 27-9, are, in fact, currently the best team in baseball. Period. 2) The Cubs have a +109 run differential. Also, the best in baseball. In fact, it’s higher than the next two teams (Red Sox +58 and Cardinals +46) combined. 3) The Cubs have the highest power ranking, the lowest team ERA, and opposing teams (like the Pirates) have a batting average against us just two points over the Mendoza line. I’ll mention here that the Cubs have also outscored the Pirates 38-13 in their six head-to-head games this season. Seems like Cole oughta keep his nose outta the rosin bag.

Ennnn-eeeeee-waaaaaay … Like I said, the guy’s in good company. Famous, even. I mean outta all the stupid public statements ever made (not including Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Brian Williams or various Miss America contestants) I rank Cole’s at least at the whip cream level … maybe even the cherry on top. Why? Because hind sight is 20/20, my friend. That means I can sorta forgive some of these other guys for the things they said. But the Cole Choo Choo? … He had the numbers staring him in the kisser, AND was personally shelled by the Cubs a couple weeks ago, but he went ahead and spiked his tongue anyway. Morons don’t get any slack from me. Anyway, here’s my list:

“The Beatles have no future in show business.” | A Decca Records executive to Brian Epstein, the band’s manager, following an audition in 1962. “We don’t like your boys’ sound.” he continued. “Groups are out. Four-piece groups with guitars, particularly, are finished.” Can you imagine what that cost Decca? Even more than Boras is gonna be wringing outta the Nats in the Harper deal.

“Hell freezes over. The Cubs will win the World Series.” | Sports Illustrated has never picked a winner, and in the 2000’s their editors seemed especially determined to meld their curse with Chicago’s, with this 2004 prediction — the first of two covers predicting the end of the Cubs’ century-long championship drought. Thanks a lot, butt heads.

“The horse is here to stay, but the automobile is only a novelty; a fad.” | The president of the Michigan Savings Bank, in 1903, advising Henry Ford’s lawyer not to invest in the Ford Motor Company. This guy liked horses, but you wouldn’t have wanted him makin’ your Trifecta picks.

“Children just aren’t interested in witches and wizards anymore.” | Anonymous publishing executive writing to J.K Rowling in 1996. Based on this prediction, I’d say certain publishing executives were pretty interested in the want ads in 1997.

“There’s no chance that the iPhone is going to get any significant market share. No chance.” | Microsoft CEO, Steve Ballmer, in 2007. Hello, you have reached the voice mail for Steve Ballmer. I cannot take your call right now because I’m having my head examined.

“It’s gonna happen. Kosake Fukudome can end the Cubs’ 100 year wait.” | In 2008, having blown a prediction for a Cubs World Series championship 4 years earlier, Sports Illustrated did it again, based largely on a rushed overreaction to one good month by Kosake Fukudome. The good news is that they picked us to lose this year’s Series, which means we’re not only good enough to make it, we’re a lock to win it. Thank you, SI.

“Stock prices have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.” | Economist Irving Fisher in October 1929, three days before the stock market crash that triggered the Great Depression. This guy’s career was ruined over this. Now, I don’t want to wish that on Mr Cole, but I think a 5-20 season would be about the right amount of karma to dish.

“Television won’t last because people will soon get tired of staring at a plywood box every night.” | Darryl Zanuck, 20th Century Fox movie producer, in 1946. Zanuck made some pretty good movies, huge, in fact. None of them were about baseball, though. Enough said.

So, somewhere in there, I would insert Cole Train’s statement about the Cubs. Close to the top. Capitalized. Red letters. Underlined. Why? Cuz not only was it stupid, it was uttered by the same dip stick that allowed six runs (five earned) on six hits and four walks before he was yanked in the 5th the last time he took the hill against us. He’s also the loser of last year’s one-game wild-card playoff — where he was equally overpowering — generously surrendering four runs, also in five innings (thank you, Mr Cole) including a couple of yard shots to Schwarber and Fowler. Can’t wait ’til we face this alzeimer’s case again.

Joe